Posted on 05/15/2008 8:01:10 AM PDT by laotzu
On May 2, Chile's Chaiten Volcano released a gigantic cloud of emissions composed of ash, steam, smoke, and various oddball gases whose estimated amount equals to one trillion cow farts, a UN-sponsored climate change study revealed. "In just one day, this volcano set the Kyoto Protocol back 15 years, obliterating the otherwise outstanding success of our multi-billion dollar efforts to curb the release of cow farts into the atmosphere," complained Chairman of Intergovernmental Panel on Cow Farts (IPCF) Rajendra K. Pachauri at an emergency conference at Grand Plaza Hotel in New York yesterday. "Therefore, we demand that this eruption be considered unscientific and thus disqualified from inclusion into climate change models. Need I mention that it wasn't sanctioned by the the United Nations?"
The IPCF, a UN-sponsored organization tasked to evaluate the insoluble problem that threatens to end their careers, is not easily swayed by just one volcano eruption.
"Contrary to what our member states may think," said IPCC Chairman, "the success of our scientific body is measured not by the amount of released cow farts we can report in the end of each year. No, our success as a United Nations agency is measured by decreases in the production of food, decline of industries, lowered living standards, reduced life expectancy, and a complete halt of economic development in the poorest nations."
The IPCF does not carry out research, nor does it monitor cow farts. The main activity of the IPCF is publishing special reports on topics relevant to cow farts, in order to raise awareness about the potentially catastrophic effects of industrial development, self-reliance, and capitalist prosperity on the existence of various intergovernmental panels within the framework of the United Nations.
"It takes more than a volcano to stop our opposition to the threat presented by industrial production and free markets to the ideas of global government and central planning," said Mr. Pachauri. "If we don't act soon, my children may never be able to chair an intergovernmental panel, control the economy, and distribute production quotas. The hardest hit will be Third-World dictatorships that are contributing disproportionately more money to our members and their families. So it isn't just our fight. The stand against economic development and free enterprise has become an urgent global issue - a moral issue if you will - that affects the physical survival of all endangered intergovernmental agencies."
The IPCF conference concluded its work on an optimistic note, resolving that in order to compensate for all past and future volcano eruptions, the UN must push for even stricter limits on all industries and redouble taxes on developed nations.
A separate chapter calls for a special volcano tax on the worst offenders starting with Chile - with a footnote explaining that if the Chileans hadn't disposed of the Marxist regime of Salvatore Allende in 1971, the whole issue could've been avoided because they wouldn't be anywhere near the list of developed nations today.
I do my part. When I pass a group of cows, I roll down the window and say “Stop farting!”
We will have to come up with a cow fart cap and trade program.
If Algore can come up with a scam, so can we.
Now, what will I wear to the Oscars?
It's ok... the bourbon that was mixed in kept it from hurting! :-)
"Although I doubt it would become a popular "Coffee Table" book. Most people dislike farts on their Coffee Tables."
LOL
This is one of the reasons I frequent this forum. The wealth of wit here is immense.
Goats named Bob B. Cue PING
We were having a crawdad boil a couple of weeks ago and somebody in the gang said that the next get-together was going to be a cabrito feast and everyone turned to me with evil grins. But, they know I'm heavily armed. ;-)
It depends....
Are we talking 'pre' or 'post' Rosie Odonnell?
There is not enough land mass on Earth to “sruce up” my personal contribution.
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