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What perspired here? (Dave Barry)
Miami Herald ^ | Dave Barry

Posted on 04/27/2008 8:24:19 AM PDT by nuconvert

BY DAVE BARRY

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 2, 2002.)

It's time for another installation of ''Ask Mister Language Person,'' the penultimate authority on grammatorical issues; the column that puts the ''p-u'' in punctuation; the only language column that was endorsed by both Jane Austen and William Shakespeare just before they died together in a romantic car crash.

Today we regret that we must begin our column with this: TERRORIST THREAT WARNING

We have received some alarming information from very high sources in the federal government.

Q. How high were they?

A. They were wearing their underpants on their heads.

According to these sources, terrorists may be planning an attack on America's linguistic infrastructure. The targets will be critical strategic phrases without which this nation cannot function, including: ''Like''; ''You know''; ''Like you know''; ''Like you know what I mean?''; ''Like you know what I'm saying?''; ''Have a nice day'' and ''Your call is very important to us.'' Keep a sharp ear out, and if you hear anybody using any of these phrases in a suspicious manner, you should immediately notify the Attorney General. Speak directly into the fly of his briefs.

We turn now to answering common language questions, starting with one sent in by an anonymous resident of Washington, D.C., who writes:

Q. I am the chief justice of the United States, and I'm hoping you can settle an argument. I say the correct wording is: ''My mother says to choose the very best one and you are it!'' Whereas my colleagues insist that it should be: ''My mother says to choose the very best one and y, o, u, spells YOU!'' Please answer promptly, as this involves the death penalty.

A. We put your question to the American Bar Association, which sent us a 127-page response.

Q. What does it say?

A. We have no idea.

Q. What is the correct usage of the phrase ``being as how''?

A. It is correctly used as follows: ``Steer clear of the gumbo, being as how Bernice can't find her hair net.''

Q. As far as grammar, what is the difference between ''bring'' and ``take''?

A. ''Bring'' is a prehensile imprecation that must be used in the vindictive tense.

EXAMPLE: ``Earl should of never brung Silly String to the viewing.''

Whereas ''take'' is used in fraternal exhortations.

EXAMPLE: ``Take a gander at THEM headlamps!''

Q. How come airplane pilots always tell you to ``sit back and enjoy the flight''?

A. They find it amusing when you break the nose of the person sitting behind you.

Q. As a fourth-year medical student, I am wondering if there is any way to remember the difference between ''prostrate'' and ``prostate.''

A. We contacted the Mayo Clinic, which informs us that surgeons there use this simple poem:

If two R's are found, it is down on the ground

If one R is on hand, then it is a gland.

Q. What about ''transpire'' vs. ``perspire''?

A. That one still has them stumped.

Q. Do you have any true examples of strong grammar usage that you are not making up, sent in by alert readers?

A. You are darned tooting:

-- Pat Anthony sent in a letter to the editor published in the El Dorado News-Times in Arkansas, which begins as follows: ``I would like to apologize for my stupid acts and irresponsible behavior. I know I shouldn't have rode my horse into town drunk much less in Wal-Mart.''

--Terry Zeri sent in a sign from the wall of a restroom in Fremont Lake, Wyo., which states: ``THIS RESTROOM IS CLEANED BY VOLUNTEERS. PLEASE HELP US KEEP THEM CLEAN.''

--Anne Morter sent in a police-blotter item from the Lake County Examiner in Oregon, concerning a woman arrested for allegedly abusing geese. The item states that the woman ``was released under the conditions that she is to have no contact in person, by telephone or through a third party with geese.''

TODAY'S WRITING TIP: In writing a letter of recommendation for an employee, be sure to give it a ``positive spin.''

WRONG: Bob occasionally has a problem with his temper.

RIGHT: Bob took full responsibility for the firebomb in Accounts Receivable.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: barry; davebarry; humor; mrlanguageperson

1 posted on 04/27/2008 8:24:20 AM PDT by nuconvert
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To: Boxsford; Irish Rose; Ditter; kitkat; Pan_Yans Wife; maryz; Ultra Sonic 007; traviskicks; Bob

Double helping of Dave, pong


2 posted on 04/27/2008 8:25:13 AM PDT by nuconvert (There are bad people in the pistachio business.)
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To: nuconvert
> Double helping of Dave, pong

Gee, there's a Dave Barry ping list? Good lord, I need to be on it in the worst way...

3 posted on 04/27/2008 8:40:21 AM PDT by dayglored (Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!)
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To: nuconvert

I resemble Dave’s insinuations about not good grammar, or is it grammer? I can’t never remember.


4 posted on 04/27/2008 8:48:44 AM PDT by Ditter
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To: Ditter
It helps to remember if you remember the actor named Kelsey Grammar!


5 posted on 04/27/2008 8:54:20 AM PDT by Revolting cat! (You're gonna cry 96 tears!)
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To: dighton
Q. What about ''transpire'' vs. ``perspire''?

I demonstrated my pedantry early -- as a child, I was certain the lyric to the Christmas carol Winter Wonderland was "Later on we'll perspire as we dream by the fire" as opposed to the correct conspire. Seemed reasonable!

6 posted on 04/27/2008 8:56:09 AM PDT by MozarkDawg
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To: Revolting cat!
Helps whut?
7 posted on 04/27/2008 8:57:33 AM PDT by Ditter
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To: MozarkDawg

If you sit too close you will perspire, so you weren’t really wrong.


8 posted on 04/27/2008 8:59:44 AM PDT by Ditter
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To: MozarkDawg
The FLDS is under fire for pedantry, or is it podiatry?
9 posted on 04/27/2008 9:01:53 AM PDT by dighton
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To: dayglored

“Gee, there’s a Dave Barry ping list? Good lord, I need to be on it in the worst way...”

you have been added in the worst way


10 posted on 04/27/2008 9:04:56 AM PDT by nuconvert (There are bad people in the pistachio business.)
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To: nuconvert
> you have been added in the worst way

Cool, thanks!

I just love tossing out a good straight line, even an obvious one ;-)

11 posted on 04/27/2008 9:12:38 AM PDT by dayglored (Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!)
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To: nuconvert

A college student wrote, “the woman fell prostitute at the bottom of the stairs”. His professor asked, “Don’t you mean ‘prostrate’? since there’s a difference between a fallen woman and one who has just stumbled.
An oldie but goodie.


12 posted on 04/27/2008 9:17:42 AM PDT by count-your-change (you don't have to be brilliant, not being stupid is enough.)
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To: Ditter

“I resemble Dave’s insinuations about not good grammar, or is it grammer? I can’t never remember.”

If A-R is on hand, then it is a gland

Does that help?


13 posted on 04/27/2008 9:28:07 AM PDT by nuconvert (There are bad people in the pistachio business.)
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To: nuconvert

~~huh?~~


14 posted on 04/27/2008 9:51:34 AM PDT by Ditter
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To: Ditter

just a little Dave humor


15 posted on 04/27/2008 10:03:45 AM PDT by nuconvert (There are bad people in the pistachio business.)
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