Posted on 02/25/2008 8:57:10 AM PST by qam1
At lunch recently, a father of four who works in publishing told me he occasionally gives his children "a clip around the ear".
The threat of minor violence, he said, was the fastest way to get his brood into the people carrier if they were all to get out of the house on time. It wasn't so much the fact that this otherwise modern thirtysomething father would slap his children that shocked me, but the fact that he spoke about it so openly. A decade ago, he might have been worried that I'd call social services - or at least recommend an anger management course.
In the 21st century, however, discipline is in. Thanks in part to the rise of television programmes about parenting, such as Supernanny and House of Tiny Tearaways, naughty steps, finishing what's on your plate and strict bedtime routines are back in vogue.
And this week the Sentencing Guidelines Council, which sets down rules for Britain's magistrates and judges, called for leniency in sentencing parents who are brought to court for smacking their children - a sea change in attitudes from just four years ago, when the right to a defence of "reasonable chastisement" was removed under the Children Act.
As a mother of two, I know how testing small children can be. The closest I came to lashing out was when one of mine almost ran into a busy road. I stopped her just in time, but I was so lost for words, so horrified at what might have happened that a smack felt almost natural - the only language either of us might have understood. Although I stopped myself before the message transmitted from brain to back of hand, because I feel slapping is a lazy form of discipline, I couldn't promise I would never lash out. So when friends confess, as many have, that they have hit their children, I find it impossible to be too judgmental.
My generation grew up in a culture in which smacking children was commonplace. Talking to friends, it is clear that they all remember, in vivid detail, when they were smacked. My primary school in the 1970s offered the slipper - in front of the school - or the cane for the very naughty.
Now those days are back - for some families, at least. Smacking is no longer taboo. Recently, on mumsnet.com, the popular parenting website, whether or not to smack your child was the hottest of topics. "I don't, because I don't like it or find it a necessary way to discipline my children," said one mother. "But others find it effective and don't have a problem with it."
Said another: "I have smacked my son twice and he is four. Both times it was for something quite serious. I have threatened a smack when I have been tired or ill, but not followed through."
Another mother said: "I smacked my seven-year-old disabled child when he was trying to gouge out his father's eyes, quite deliberately. My husband was strapping him into the car and couldn't defend himself. Violence with violence. Not great. But I did it."
Justine Roberts, co-founder of the site, says women are becoming more open about their anger towards their children: "A few people are saying [smacking] is a strategy for managing their children and it's the only effective one they've found. But most admit they've done it once or twice in anger but feel awful about it. There's a huge amount of sympathy for parents who are being pushed to the limit."
None of my friends needed any persuasion to off-load a little guilt about parental crimes. One, a 37-year-old marketing director, said: "It was three years ago when my daughter was two and I have never, ever forgotten it.
"We were with my husband's family and we'd had a taxing day on the beach. My daughter was hot and sandy and exhausted and so was I. I was trying to change her nappy and she just would not stop wriggling. Suddenly I lashed out and whacked her on the leg. She was stunned and just froze. She stared at me and all I could see was that she had been humiliated and betrayed. I felt sick and then cuddled her and said sorry. I'm ashamed to admit that I said: 'Please don't tell Daddy'."
Another, a 40-year-old novelist, told me: "One afternoon after school I held on to my 10-year-old and just shook him. I felt very stressed about work and my relationship, and he had broken an expensive toy. I felt terrible afterwards, apologised and promised to myself never to do it again. I think it's really bad parenting to hit children."
Children can't defend
While some parents may be more relaxed about corporal punishment, Elizabeth Hartley Brewer, an expert in child development and parenting, believes that such attitudes must be resisted. "Children can't defend themselves verbally or physically," she says.
"Psychologically, smacking can do them enormous harm. And it's a lazy way to look after children. Physical punishment can delay and confuse moral development and does nothing to preserve their self-respect. When I've talked to children who've been hit, every one of them can remember when it happened. When my daughter was about two, I lashed out about something and I regret it enormously. She was totally let down by me and burst into tears."
Those who have never lost their cool and hit out should not be feeling smug, however. There are, Hartley Brewer admits, worse forms of punishment for children. "Some of those horrible TV programmes have made people proud of disciplining their children, regardless of how they do it," she says. "I've met people who don't hit but think it's perfectly OK to make their child wash their mouth out with soap or even eat their lunch naked as a punishment. As for the naughty step, that can be just as damaging as a smack if it is used to humiliate a child."
Imperial Leather for supper hardly counts as "reasonable chastisement". Perhaps if modern mothers knew more about such extreme parenting styles, we'd stop beating ourselves up about the occasional outburst.
Thanks! They really are great kids. I’m very proud of both of them.
As my daughter says, “A couple of stings, you learn your lesson and it’s over. Grounding and restrictions just go on and on! It’s torture! Half the time you forget why you were grounded anyway. You always remember why you got a spanking.”
EXACTLY.
It’s about timeliness, alot of it. A hit is fast and to the point, and gets the message across in a hurry (and there ARE times when there IS no time or else the kid or their victim is going to be in serious danger).
Waiting around doesn’t help things (I say that for spankings, too - they should be immediate). Look at the prison system. Especially at the death-penalty level. The death penalty “isn’t a good deterrent” ANY MORE because it goes on and on for decades before being carried out - and then, the perp gets out of it with an appeal (never mind how few are ever punished this way at all). When it was carried out within a month’s time - THAT was a deterrent!
If you do things immediately, it makes a point much more than dragging it out. It’s not “forgotten”, and it doesn’t seem like it’s misplaced.
Oh yea, he disavowed his own stuff a LONG time ago.. I’ll see what I can find on it.
His own kid committed suicide.
“when capital punishment is going to be laid down”
I hope you meant “corporal” punishment. They wouldn’t be getting back up if the capital punishment was laid down.
Hence their remorse for “lashing out.” They don’t know what parental anger is, they have been so sucked into the no violence model. Their anger, really rage, in the cases as described is misplaced.
Example: the day at the beach story. If the needed discipline had been enforced earlier in the day...most likely the out burst at the end of the day would not have happened. Instead the parenting style allowed for the build-up of stress in the parent.
The woman who got hit is probably one of those maddening “educator” types that does the school equivalent of poking the wolf with a stick.
I know! LOL I was just saying... I spent a lot of quality time in the back of a station wagon with all my younger sibling/cousins/friends—seatsup and down. We thought it was cool to ride down the road with the back window down/tailgate down. Half the stuff I remember from my childhood wouldn’t jsut get a parent locked up nowadays—they’d be under the jail!
You have my sympathies. Told #2 son I hope he has 10 kids just like himself. He didn’t sleep over night until he was over 2 years old, and the he was the poster child for colic!
(look at other animals).
I’ve always said that! I have a beagle colored rat terrier taht looks like a miniature greyhound. She’s the best momma dog I’ve ever seen. She doesn’t get ugly often, but when she does, retribution is swift and efficient, then forgotten. Exactly the way it should be. No yelling, no screaming, no threats. She is the authority, and you better not sass her! Do you think she feels remorse for disciplining anyone, dog or human, that needs it? NO.
Yes, and horses nip and “kick” their young. Oh, the horrors!
And dogs are known for taking the pup by the scruff of the neck - and this became a popular method for physically challenging the dog by the human. Except of course for those who not only now tell us “no touchy-touchy”, but also, don’t even look mean at your dog! Because that’s just mean!!!
Take that curse back!!!
My Mom said the same thing to me and it happened!
Darcymom is the gentlest, most loveable dog you can imagine, but she has definite parameters. You cross her lines and she’ll put you in your place in a heartbeat. No blood drawn, ever, but she can intimidate with the best of them. The lessons are quick and to the point, and i’ve never seen any of her offspring forget any of them. She should be a role model for humans! LOL
But, but, her children will HATE her! And they’ll become vicious little thugs who know nothing but “violence” as a solution!
I think it’s a boomerang curse—you know who’s going to end up babysitting all those monsters! LOL
Contrary to popular “knowledge”, Darcymom’s kids are all extremely well behaved (in spite of their father). LOL Not only that, she’s a neighborhood mom. She takes no misbehavior from any body’s kids, hers or not.
Like I said, she should be a role model for humans!
LOL! I can think of several people of all ages who could use some of that.
Go Google “mothering dot commune,” and read through the “Gentle Disciplining” forum. You’ll be horrified — these people are raising an entire generation if brats!
Just browsed it, This one is scary
Copy this list and post it where you can see it, as a constant reminder.
Use positive reinforcement.
Create a positive environment.
Say yes as much as possible.
Save no for the important things.
Use natural consequences.
Use logical consequences.
Use restitution.
Leave it up to your child.
Compromise.
State your expectations, and get out of the way.
Give specific instructions.
Give a reason.
Offer help.
Give a choice.
Redirect your child.
Remove your child.
Make positive statements.
Give in occasionally.
Give your child time to agree.
Simply insist.
Make rules.
Ignore some behavior.
Avoid nagging and threats.
Distract your child.
Use humor.
Make it a game.
Be willing to admit your mistakes.
Stop and think before you act.
Don’t make a big fuss over little things.
Stick to routines.
Don’t hurry your children too much.
Get to the root of the problem.
Correct one behavior at a time.
Give yourselves time.
Use the golden rule.
Model appropriate behavior.
Think of your child as an equal.
Always keep your love for your child in mind.
105,000 members of that board and not one of them can figure out that a Child doesn’t have the reasoning capacity as an adult, no wonder there are so many out of control kids
Yep. Go in and read some of the posts from women looking for advice...scary.
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