Posted on 03/16/2007 8:05:14 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
We celebrate Saint Patrick's Day each year on March 17th. The festive holiday has everyone wearing green (so they don't get pinched) and chatting of four leaf clovers, shamrocks, lucky leprechauns, drinking green beer and kissing some big rock called a blarney stone.
Want to be lucky this St. Patrick's Day? Follow this advice:
1. Find a four-leaf clover.
2. Wear green (so you don't get pinched).
3. Kiss the blarney stone.
4. Catch a Leprechaun if you can.
5. Drink as much green beer as your heart desires.
6. And don't forget that corned beef and cabbage.
"May your blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow and may trouble avoid you wherever you go!"
-Irish Blessing
Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the mother superior. "Well, how can I help you little people?" asked mother superior. the larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked "oh mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?" "No," says mother superior, "I don't have any midget nuns here at the convent" "all right than, mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland than?" "no, no," replied mother superior, "I don't know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all." "Well then mother superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, than, of any midget nuns?' "No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" replied mother superior, "and would you please tell me what this is all about!!?" The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and said "see, its as I told you all along, you've been dating a Penguin"
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?
It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to.
Question: What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?
Answer: They both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job.
Question:: How do we know that Christ was Irish?
Answer: Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.
EEEK! (thanks for the link)
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."
Flogging Molly - Drunken Lullabies
Loreena McKennitt - Dante's Prayer
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled:
"Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!"
As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Once outside he stands up, again falls flat on his face and decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.
At his door, he again tries to stand upright, falls and finally crawls through the door into his bedroom.
Reaching his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright, but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there."
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