Chuck Norris Isn't Afraid of the Dark; The Dark is Afraid of Chuck Norris.

Pine Magazine ^ | January 24, 2007 | Pine Magazine

[freedomdefender]

We love Chuck Norris just the same as you. That's why we thought you might want to know the following facts about your favorite he-man we found on various fan Web sites.

+ Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

+ Chuck Norris can speak braille.

+ Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

+ Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

+ Chuck Norris isn't afraid of the dark. The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

+ Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and kicked Amelia Earhart's plane while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean, knocking it into the ocean where it'd stay forever.

+ Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

+ If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

+ Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

+ Chuck Norris wasn't born. He roundhouse kicked his way out of his mother's womb. He then promptly grew a beard.

+ Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

+ Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

+ Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

+ Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

+ Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

+ Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick-related deaths.

+ The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

+ Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

+ If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

+ Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

+ Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

[flashbunny]

I've never ever seen this before.

[SevenofNine]

Funny stuff

[KarlInOhio]

Chuck Norris wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

[TC Rider]

Penises envy Chuck Norris

[Jewels1091]

I rarely say anything negative about a post, but this is pure crap! Not worth the time or trouble to read.

[goldstategop]

A lot of his fans don't know he's pro-life, conservative and makes his home in Texas.

"Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached." - Manuel II Palelologus

[gas0linealley]

Does this fit under the heading: "Activism"? It sure isn't "News".

[goldstategop]

It fits under "Political Humor." By the way, the second season of Walker: Texas Ranger will be out tomorrow on DVD. Great show. I'm still amazed it last nine seasons.

"Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached." - Manuel II Palelologus

[BipolarBob]

But you DID read it. That I can forgive but you didn't stop me and thats 30 seconds out of my life I'll never get back.

[JRochelle]

Chuck Norris sat in for Hannity one day last week, across from Comles.

He was a disaster. I was embarrassed for him.

[goldstategop]

He's not gonna run for President. Like the country is ready for another Texan who is a friend of Bush. If you think Bush was hated, wait til you see the libs gin it up against Chuck.

"Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached." - Manuel II Palelologus

[Rev. Pogo]

When Chuck Norris does push ups, he actually pushes the Earth away from himself.

[JRios1968]

...but this is pure crap! Not worth the time or trouble to read.

Uh oh, now you've done it...Chuck Norris is on his way over...

[TheWasteLand]

A few additions. Forgive me, I can't resist.

• What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
• Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
• The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

[barker]

I rarely say anything negative about a post, but this is pure crap! Not worth the time or trouble to read.

This is totally funny pure crap that you took time to read and post about. Don't watch the Chuck Norris Mountain Dew commercials. You won't find them as hysterically funny as I do.

[Cogadh na Sith]

Chuck Norris doesn't have a chin under his beard; just another fist.

[JRios1968]

The only sure fire way to commit suicide:

Google "Chuck Norris", but click on "I'm Feeling Lucky"

[Silicon Cowboy]

They ripped that off from:

chucknorrisfacts.com

Still funny stuff, though.

[Dutch14]

Chuck Norris can divide by zero...