PlayOnLyrics top 20 worst lyrics

playonlyrics ^ | 12-21

[Mr. Blonde]

At PlayOnLyrics we like to play around with misheard lyrics. Occasionally, however, you wish you had misheard a lyric, or can’t believe what you just heard.

Back in the day, one time Tonight Show host and hack musician Steve Allen used to read out lyrics from popular songs just to make fun of young musicians. That used to bug us. Taking lyrics out of context can be a distasteful and irrelevant exercise by the smug and untalented. After all, “The Doo Ron Ron” is a great song about nothing. But, sometimes lyrics are just so bad you just have to stop and ask the question “what were they on when they wrote that?”

So here is PlayOnLyric’s look at 20 particularly banal, pretentious or weird lyrics.

20. John Mayer, “Something’s Missing”

Friends. Check Money. Check Well-slept. Check Opposite sex. Check Guitar. Check Microphone. Check Messages waiting for me When I get home. Check How come everything I think I need Always comes with batteries? What do you think it means?

We don’t know John, what does it really mean? You use a vibrator?

19. Black Eyed Peas, “My Humps”

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps.

Fergie: setting back feminism 50 years. And it isn’t even sexy in a trashy, slutty kinda way.

18. Bruce Springsteen, “Glory Days”

He could throw that speed ball by you make you look like a fool

The Boss is a great lyric writer and we feel bad for even bringing this up. But this song was about remembering high school and a baseball player. Perhaps he could blow a ‘fast ball’ past you, but a ‘speedball’ is something that John Belushi or Chris Farley would blow past you.

17. The Killers, “All These Things I've Done”

I've got soul but I'm not a soldier. I've got soul but I'm not a soldier I've got soul but I'm not a soldier

We got it the first time. People are slowly starting to realize that they sound interesting in a retro way but their lyrics are utter dross.

16. Wang Chung, “Everybody Have Fun”

Everybody have fun tonight Everybody have fun tonight Everybody wang chung tonight

“Rats, what rhymes with fun? Er…wait a moment. Wang Chung! That rhymes. Hurrah! That was lucky.” Yes there was some good music in the 1980s. And then there was Wang Chung.

15. Poison, “Unskinny Bop”

Unskinny bop Just blows me away Unskinny bop, bop All night and day Unskinny bop, bop, bop, bop She just loves to play Unskinny bop, nothin' more to say.

Making fun of 80s hair bands is too easy; it is like shooting fish in a barrel. But this steaming pile of rubbish has to win some award. Unskinny means fat, right?

14. Destiny's Child, “Bills, Bills, Bills”

Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? Can you pay my automo' bills? Then maybe we can chill I don't think you do so you and me are through

Before Beyonce et al were inventing words like Jelli and Bootilicous there were writing stuff like this. So, I can only be with you if I pay your bills? That would make you a…what exactly?

13. Gwen Stefani, “Hollaback Girl”

This shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S

It’s a spelling bee from the blonde leader of No Doubt. The whole song led to debates about what exactly a hollaback girl was. But this line was just plain weird.

12. Alanis Morissette, “Ironic”

A traffic jam when you're already late A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife It's meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife

I am sure she is sick of hearing about this. They are not bad lyrics, but the only ironic thing about any of the lyrics in this song is that they have nothing to do with irony. I think Sarah Vowell said it best – “Irony isn't a black fly in your chardonnay. Irony is naming your national airport after the president who fired all the air traffic controllers.”

11. Avril Lavigne, “SK8tr Boi”

He was a boy, she was a girl Can I make it any more obvious?

Not really. Wow that’s two young Canadian singers in a row. Can Celine be far behind?

10. The Police, “Don’t Stand So Close To Me”

He starts to shake and cough Just like the old man in That book by Nabakov

Sting just reminding you that he reads. Pretentious? Moi?

9. Billy Idol, “Flesh for Fantasy”

Face to face And back to back You see and feel My sex attack

My sex attack? Where’s the romance?

8. Kanye West “Jesus Walks”

I'm just trying to say the way school need teachers, The way Kathie Lee needed Regis that's the way y’all need Jesus.

Sometimes it works so well for Kanye. And then there’s this time.

7. Emerson, Lake and Palmer “Taste Of My Love”

You need love, I need love, here it comes , the taste of my love. I'm gonna love you like nobody ever loved you climb on my rocket and we'll fly. Over the moon past the sun till we find the gates of heaven open wide for lovers I'm gonna love you like nobody ever loved you climb on my rocket and we'll fly.

It is pretty easy to find a lot of pretentious twaddle put out by 1970s prog rockers. But this has to take the cake. Rumour has it that ELP put out a deliberately cheesy album after being made to fulfill a record contract. This would be very cheesy though.

6. Prism, “Starship Superstar”

I'm a spaceship superstar I've got a solar-powered laser beam guitar (he's a spaceship superstar) I'm at the top of all the charts on Mars

Laser beam guitar?? If this is life on Mars I don’t want to go.

5. David Hasselhoff “Is Everybody Happy”

If you’re surrounded by clouds of thunder Don’t let it get ya and pull-pull you under You gotta fight it and learn your lesson Or you will end up in deep deep depression Whatever the hang up We’re getting a gang up And we are gonna have us some fun

Oh God. Where’s that bucket?

4. America, “A Horse With No Name”

On the first part of the journey I was looking at all the life There were plants and birds and rocks and things

Things? What, after three lines of the song the lyrical well ran dry?

3. Billy Ray Cyrus, Achy Breaky Heart

And if you tell my heart, My achy breaky heart, He might blow up and kill this man.

Country music is often a well of heartfelt, clever and poignant lyrics. Then there is Billy Ray – king of the mullet and writer of this beauty.

2. Captain and Tennille, “Muskrat Love”

Muskrat Susie, Muskrat Sam Do the jitterbug out in muskrat land And they shimmy And Sammy's so skinny

And they didn’t wing this. They actually wrote it down. With a straight face.

1. Richard Harris/Donna Summer, “MacArthur Park”

Someone left the cake out in the rain I don't think I could take it, `cause it took so long to bake it And I'll never have that recipe again, oh no!

The most famous of all bad lyrics. Whether it was Richard Harris belting it out in the original four hour version or Donna Summer doing the disco version the whole song is just priceless.

[Lady Jag]

A Politically Correct Christmas Poem

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole,
were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
that Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people were calling the Cops,
when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".

To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.

So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
demanding from now on that her title was Ms.

And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion
that making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,
were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
for they raised the hackles of those psychological,
who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,
besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.
and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
he just couldn't figure out what to do next?
He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
but you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.
His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
each group of people in every religion.
Every race, every hue,
everyone, everywhere...even you!
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...


"MAY YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES, ENJOY PEACE ON EARTH"

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Hot sauce dripping from their toes
(“Oh! That tickles!”)
Yuletide squirrels fresh filleted by the choir
They poked hot skewers through their nose
(“Ow! Wrong end, ya cowboy!”)
Everybody knows some pepper and a garlic clove
Help to make them seasoned right
Tiny rats with a crisp golden coat
Will really hit the spot tonight

And now when Santa sees his tray
(“Ho ho ho ho ho ho”)
There’ll be some homemade chipmunk jerky for his sleigh
(“Mmmm…Hey, look at that!”)
And every hungry child is gonna spy
To see if chipmunks really sing when they fry
And so I’m brushing on some honey glaze
To keep them crisp and juicy too
Let’s hope they get served many times many ways
Tasty Chipmunks; good food

[Irish_Thatcherite]

Don't make me Google Alvin and the Chipmunks again!!

I feel so dirty....

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

At the end of the song you hear Dave yell "Alvin!" and Bob answers, "Alvin is gone Dave, but there is plenty of Theodore left..."

[Irish_Thatcherite]

Theodore has a juicy brain...

;)

[Darksheare]

"Lips of an Angel"

"My girl's in, the next room. Sometimes I wish she was you. I guess we never really moved on."

No, yah think?
And what's with the opener of that line where it sounds like the guy is singing "My COUSIN, the next room"?

[Darksheare]

Jack frost roasting, on an open fire.
Chestnuts nipping at your nose...


Better not scream, better not pout, better not shout or I'm calling you out, Anti-Claus is coming to town.


Gooey the skullboy was a jolly shrunken head
With a miniature face and a sewn up nose
And no eyes for all we know
Gooey the skullboy is a prank I heard it said
He's not made of snow but the children
know how he chased their mom one day.
There must have been some magic in the shrunken head they found
'Cause when they placed it on the bed it began to roll around.
Gooey the skullboy was alive or so they said
He's just a head today now he'll roll away
We'll watch him as he goes...

[Bloody Sam Roberts]

So, I can only be with you if I pay your bills? That would make you a…what exactly?

A hip-hop video hoochie?

"All I wanna do is zooma zoom zoom zoom and a boom-boom...now shake yer rump!"

[Irish_Thatcherite]

Happy Christmas, Darks....

[Darksheare]

;-)

Merry Christmas.
I've been messing up lyrics lately.
Haven't typed anything down though.
*drats*

[Bloody Sam Roberts]

2. Captain and Tennille, “Muskrat Love”

Oooh...bad research.

"Muskrat Love" was written by Willis Alan Ramsey in 1971 and first performed by the group "America".
The Captain and Tenille only covered it.

[Bloody Sam Roberts]

All of these entries are worthy of scorn...but the one set of song lyrics that sticks in my mind and always make me just shake my head are by the Doors:

"Not To Touch The Earth"

Dead president's corpse in the driver's car
The engine runs on glue and tar
Come on along, not goin' very far
To the East to meet the Czar
Run with me
Run with me
Run with me
Let's run
Whoa!
Some outlaws lived by the side of a lake
The minister's daughter's in love with the snake
Who lives in a well by the side of the road
Wake up, girl, we're almost home
Ya, c'mon!
We should see the gates by mornin'
We should be inside the evenin'
Sun, sun, sun
Burn, burn, burn
Soon, soon, soon
Moon, moon, moon
I will get you
Soon!
Soon!
Soon!
I am the Lizard King
I can do anything

[Irish_Thatcherite]

That's ok, you'll only get typos! ;)

[SoCal Pubbie]

"Wang Chung, “Everybody Have Fun”"

Blasphemy!

[Darksheare]

Extremely true.

[Irish_Thatcherite]

I hope there are no typos on Santy's list of addresses! :-P

[gcruse]

"hack musician Steve Allen"

Your idea of hack needs work.

[Darksheare]

Shouldn't be, I didn't type them up for him.

[Slings and Arrows]

"Christmas With The Devil"
Spinal Tap

The elves are dressed in leather
And the angels are in chains
(Christmas with the Devil)
The sugar plums are rancid
And the stockings are in flames
(Christmas with the Devil)
There's a demon in my belly
And a gremlin in my brain
There's someone up the chimney hole
And Satan is his name

The rats ate all the presents
And the reindeer ran away
(Christmas with the Devil)
There'll be no Father Christmas
'Cause it's Evils holiday
(Christmas with the Devil)

No bells in Hell
No snow below-
Silent Night,
Violent Night

So come all ye unfaithful
Don't be left out in the cold
You don't need no invitation, no...
Your ticket is your soul

[Irish_Thatcherite]

LOL! Satire at it's best!