Posted on 09/26/2006 12:31:56 PM PDT by meandog
Subject: Why English teachers die young?
Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2.. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
22. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Those need to be worked together into a story about a young couple in love.
It was a dark and stormy night...
If the writers are in college, not so much.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
These have to be real..No way anyone could make them up..
1. He needed to lose weight. There was a 36 inch waste in his pants.
2. It is wrong to have sex except to have kids. Sex is for re-creation.
*
I like it too, but I can't do the math! ;o)
These poorly written analogies make you want to laugh and cringe at the same time, like the time your dad poured sour milk on your brother's Rice Krispies and you sat there watching him take the first spoonful into his mouth.
This one is more like science class than English, but the teacher's attempt to explain the relative sizes of the planets caused her student to ask, "So if Mars was a ping-pong ball, would Uranus be the size of a grapefruit?"
21 is my personal favorite. Although they are all hilarious.
Are you ready?
Spork Weasel!!
Ok, buster...you owe me for a new keyboard! LOL
Thanks, I needed a good laugh today.
[aghast!] Who told you??? I love sporks, and I think they've quit making them. I have to hide all my sporks now....
The beautiful young college co-eds swarmed around the handsome quarterback like gnats around a dog's privates in the heat of summer!
I found these very funny, like watching a Seinfeld rerun again for the first time.
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