The ***OFFICIAL*** Weekend Singles' Thread -- Dear Abby/Dolly (September 22-24, 2006)

DollyCali and All of the Singles & their FRiends | September 22, 2006 | DollyCali

[DollyCali]

Welcome
to
Counseling

Dear Abby/Dolly will be a 3-4 times a year part of our Weekend singles Thread. Questions will come from YOU. Answers will come from Me… and you on the thread. Please kick in with your thoughts, disagreements, and personal stories. We can learn from each other.. And now.. ON WITH THE SHOW!

I am a divorced woman who basically is dateless. I rarely go many places & am considered by most attractive, moderate build, weight but still no dates. You are considerably older than me yet seem to be out all the time. Can you share your secret?

The most important thing: Be yourself but first KNOW yourself. Don’t involve yourself with things you dislike or are lukewarm about with the hopes of meeting men to date. Go to activities & functions that are important to you & when threre throw yourself heart & soul into the activity.

Since you asked about me I will tell you that the men I date are ones that I believe are attracted to my being a tomboy. I play rough, do heavy activities(kayaking rough waters) biking(long distance & rough rides on trails or on roads) extreme long hikes off trails thru water, underbrush etc, cross country skiing NOT on trails & rough terrain for examples.

I don’t mind getting messed up along the way, am NOT crazy about correcting my makeup hair on dates, and have no problems in getting my shoes wet, dirty etc.

I date men 20 years younger as well as 20 years older & in everywhere between

Many people that are looking for "love, romance, long-term, lifelong" partner but seems to think that they are "above" anyone with "baggage." In my mind, the attitude alone is "baggage" on the part of the person seeking a partner.

It is extremely difficult to take on the burdens and problems of another, but the reality is, we all have problems.

Any ideas on how to change the minds of the masses without offending them in the thought that they are not "perfect?"

Yes, it is the old idea of a person NOT living in reality. They do NOT make good partners as they have a narcissist view of life.. Your second line is the answer. You can waste your life trying to change them but I think they learn the most by having reoccurring problems in relationships & falling on their face along the way. If they THEN truly introspect, they might have a chance. There is “Pollyanna” is all phases of life. Your hi-lighted one of them.

It seems to me folks in recovery groups often find some great potential mates OR the kukos in life. It is up to us to be ale to sort it all out. You can’t change folks but you can chose well.

We had this same struggle with Jeff, … re: Halloween, Easter bunny, Santa Claus.. etc. I let son Jeff always participate but made sure there were heavy duty discussions on the real centering of the activity & the hazards along the way. We didn’t go crazy with pricey costume etc & a few years instead of trick or treating we had the kids all over for a fall costume party.

At one of the churches we were at there were similar functions with emphasis on teaching the truth about Santa, bunny & the Halloween problems.

Now if your kiddie is really young the teaching is pretty simple & added to each year.

I know some parents completely prevent any Halloween participation for religious belief reasons.

If you “clean up well” and I guess I do, these same men love to take you to classy restaurants & the theater.

It is funny but for me it is really easy to get to know someone when you play with enthusiasm & carefree mentality.

What about “troublemakers” in the workplace. I have had people I barely know stirring up the waters & causing me to walk on egg shells. (this taken from discussion on a thread a few weeks ago between several of our men). What can I do.

Not much unfortunately. Some folks get their kicks from making other people miserable (does the word “terrorist” come to mind?) If in this situation you must go the extra mile to keep your nose clean & avoid any appearance of a problem. Women have done a LOT of harm to innocent men for whatever reasons but telling falsehoods or stretch “big time” the truth.. If you have one of these, never chat alone with them. ALWAYS have another trusted person with you to verify what was said. They are often just jealous &/or very insecure about their job. They will always try to make themselves look good & they feel unfortunately a good way to do this is to make OTHERS LOOK BAD.

[DollyCali]

Good morning., My little nap stretched into 9 hours!

Welcome IIntense ! This is the first time I recall seeing you here with us at the singles thread. and if you have e been here before and I missed you. Please accept my apology!

WFTR - Great presentations on your thoughts on baggage. AND YOU ARE RIGHT.. COMPATIBILITY IS THE KEY!

PG13 & R are okay here (depending on the mods & the abuse button happy NON participants who want to disrupt)

ASK BILL IS GREAT… We all contribute from our backgrounds. Yours is as valid as mine… I have done it professionally but surely even I approach it with my own bias.

Being a good observer is a good way to learn things and I think you have a valid point on debt and spending differences impacting relationships. But max is right. Just find a few nice gals to “learn on”… BE HONEST with them. Tell them you have the dating experience of a river rock but want to learn & would love to share some time with them. Be willing to spend some money on nice (not necessarily 4 star but NOT McDonald's) and movie tickets, whatever..

You might find some of them would really enjoy helping you & being your friend along the way.. I lot of women have been burned in relationships and welcome an honest, nice guy to spend time with... to diffuse more or less. I now have several men friends like that. We still do dinner now & then, they love to come here &help me with the “guy stuff” but we can share our dating woes/joys because at the very start our friendship was NOT based on a sexual or romantic bend.

From the counseling I have done…Children & money are two of the biggest problems in relationships with couples. (self-centeredness’ & parents being the next two)

So much of it depends on the couple, their backgrounds & their willingness to change/grow to make the relationshiop thrive NOT just exist.

When young in marriage the girl often considers her spouse to replace mom & dad. My own son’s marriage suffered from this financial roller coaster. Bride was used to going to store & buying LOTS of logo/name brand clothes, shoes whatever & not the things on sale. She carried that into her marriage with a YOUNG man working at a blue collar job. Their first child had 50 dollar T-shirts with name brand logos.. and lots of them & lots of shoes (and she didn’t even wear MOST of the things. Now I am talking about a 2 month old baby!! And it continued (s) and she is now 12.

Many parents like my DILs worked long hours & the gift of money, credit cards were the way to show love in the absence of the better expression of love: time, energy, involvement.

There is a lot of difficulty when a couple gets physically & emotionally involved before they really know things that are important.. and the money issue is one. For older folks other baggage puts kids in the formula, the way a parent disciplines /handles the children is very important. If you, as the entering part of the family, are not in agreement, you will either have fireworks or burn a slow boiling pot on the back burner. For young couples parents can be the baggage. One or the other in relationship may have an unhealthy attachment to the parent that interferes with the couple. The person will be doing the “talking” to the parent instead of spouse or spending free time there or talking over personal aspects of the relationship with the parents. All of these can lead for big trouble & eventually separation in my experience.

The couple must come first.. before kids, before parents. Together the couple approaches these “ areas: of life. For the parent with the children this is difficult. They might have been a sole parent for 2 or more years & that bond is tight, as it should be. Entering a relationship that is serious & marriage goaled means some things shift. The child is still critically important & never neglected but a shift in time, love, expression of love is needed. If a man or woman cannot do that then they are dooming the relationship. You cannot be married “happily” & have as your best friend your child or your mom. The best friend must be the partner.

Now relationships can endure but are NOT happy & fulfilling like they should be.

A further note to the financial. Being a bit older it is very interesting to see how men might change OR NEVER CHANGE.. A mature well heeled man who is “cheap” on dates,.. it is noted. Men will not change this at advanced ages. I am not saying it is wrong or right.. but the man who will cling to his wallet before he is generous to his date, well he will be alone. Part of a woman’s subconscious evaluation of a man is : “What does he think I am worth”.. she learns this with the TIME he will spend, the ENERGY he will spend, the EMOTIONS he will spend & the DOLLARS he will spend…. ON HER.

An example. One gent I date on “hikes” primarily but also a few theaters, sport events.. He takes 4 to 5 major trips a year. And by major I mean a month in China. A cruise on the New Queen Mary(the maiden cruise none the less), 6 weeks in Europe. but just England & Ireland... On the hikes we take he gives a complete review of the trips etc. I know his net worth , because he has told me & has shown me his stock portfolio. I have given him some investment advice re: real estate, which he has taken.

. I have been to where he lives & it is very large & luxurious. I am told about all the expensive benefits he attends(have gone to a few but usually bow out…it is all so artificial to me) & the meals with the guys at the 4 star restaurants.

But. When we finish a hike, he suggests Denny's to eat. (And this isn’t because of the way we are dressed etc) I spend very little time with him because I don’t feel worthy or important with him and to him. Now I know he doesn’t date others.. he likes to think of me as “his girl” and I think it is rather humorous. He will be a very lonely old man. Looking at his trip pictures.

I think it is wrong to look at that aspect first but it is important to the woman as the man. He doesn’t want to have his savings milked by a ruthless woman, and he should be protective.. But all good things come with a cost in life.

It is even more difficult for the well heeled financially strong woman. Imagine the attention she gets

A difference is another older gent I date who is 180 degrees. This one is NOT as financially comfortable but lets me know that his mad money each month is ours to enjoy on outings. I am the one that has to be frugal & tries hard to NOT take this for granted & abuse it.. NOT go to the best restaurants but have a nice time at Chilis, a mom & pop pizza place etc. At concerts, suggest the more reasonable seats, in consideration again of his bankbook. I occasionally bring a picnic & wine so he doesn’t have to bear all the financial. He brings little offerings frequently – flowers, a few toys for my doggies & suggests we get a meal to take home to my mom. That gets my attention. My hiking buddy would never suggest that. He is self centered & uses his money to impress others but doesn’t really spend it on others. The benefits he attends & contributes to are NOT socially redemptive ones. They are the ones that get press, photo ops & his name floating.

Not the food banks, pet rescue.. but the Art society, etc. get the drift?


Then There are men who are very wealthy & recognize debt, poor spending & saving habits in their mates but take that as part of the bargain to be with a woman 20-40 years younger. The concept of trophy wife would not exist otherwise. Do we really think Anna Nicole was attracted to the athletic prowess, physique, mind or discussions with her 87 year old husband? They both got what they wanted out of the “deal”..

You take a chance in relationships of being hurt. You stick your neck (and heart & wallet) out to make commitments to people. But there is no other way. If you hold back in any area you hurt yourself & the relationship.

Love is giving. People, who love themselves, give primarily to themselves. Dating is a way to get to know the person & see if the differences are insurmountable and if the common things are strong enough to somewhat compensate for the differences. It is a balancing act for sure. It is a learning time if people are willing to learn & not by cynical in the process.

Well, I wrote a book, didn’t I? Need to take out pooches for their mo

[DollyCali]

oh my are they cute!

the first two are the same one? what are the names. It is so nice to see them in your hands to see their relative size. Wonderful photography on the middle pix.. and my or my.. those eyes!!!!

I am out in woods a lot & have been my whole life.. the various lizards and snakes are fun to find. Always unexpected .. well unless you turn over a lot of river stones searching for newts. (not Gingrich)

Thanks for posting these. Fun to see them but Now I have an excuse to post a few of my "kids" later. We all like to show off our pets,kids, and for some of us "older n dirt" types, our grandkids!

Okay my doggies are really looking at me like, it is time for us to pee, mom!

[pcottraux]

Just dropping by briefly to say hey. This has been a really tough week, and it ain't getting better. Hope all is well with everyone.

[DollyCali]

Hi sweetie! thanks for stopping in.. and so sorry that things are rough for you. We are all here cheering you on & hoping that if things don't get better there for you, another job opportunity will present itself.

You are getting some strong "NEG" messages it seems from current situation.

Prayers for your happiness & a good resolution for all of this Phil

[pcottraux]

In the end, I'll have been working more than a week, 10-12 hours per night, with no days off. I'm working from about 8:30 pm to 7 am every night, and it is some seriously awful and nasty work. And I'm sleeping from about 9 am to 6:30 pm every night. It's becoming very weird, like bizarro-world or something.

Plus, the entire project has been a circus-like disaster from the beginning.

Gotta go to bed now. Appreciate the kind words, everyone.

G'night!

[A knight without armor]

My first job was the 3rd shift at a valves and controls factory. I worked from 10:00 p.m. to 6:30 a.m. It was nice because there were no big shots around. Plus the graveyard shift was paid more per hour. Lunch was 2:30 a.m. Worst part was stepping outside for some fresh air and looking towards all the little houses. They'd be all dark and quiet. I'd think of the people in there snuggled down in bed and sleeping peacefully. Oh, it made me so sleepy. I found that sleeping during the day can be difficult because of the natural daytime activity and noises such as cars, mailman, etc.

[rzeznikj at stout]

Hope it goes well...

[WFTR]

LOL I don't watch Everybody Loves Raymond except on rare occasions when I'm clicking past it and can't find anything else. I halfway think I remember a lady eating a fly, but I don't think I saw the rest of the episode. I would have gotten a kick out of seeing the bedroom full of frogs. Frog displays are pretty popular among the herp crowd. Some of the small, beautiful frogs can be kept in small terrariums. People set up waterfalls and little pools of water for them. The whole effect is very nice.

Bill

[WFTR]

the first two are the same one? what are the names.

Yep, the first two are of the same animal. She (maybe he) changes color at different times. The first picture shows the darkest skin tones that she gets, and the second picture shows the lightest. I haven't named her yet because I'm not absolutely sure that she is a she. The pet store said that she's about seven months old, and at this age, a male is supposed to have visible sex organs. However, when I bought her a week ago, the breeder looked at her and said that it would be about a month before we could tell for sure. Another problem is that getting her positioned to look for the sex organs can be tricky. When I'm certain what she is, I'll start looking for a name. The last picture is Katrina on the day that I bought her, and I've posted newer pictures of her several times.

Bill

[WFTR]

P-Ko,

What are you doing that is seriously awful and nasty? I'm sorry, but I've forgotten what your current job is.

As long as we're talking about "most grueling stretches of work," I'll tell a little about my two roughest times. The first was in the winter of 1991. (Maybe it was 1990, but I think it was '91.) I had two projects that were very important to me. The first was also very important to my boss, so I had to do a great deal to keep him happy. The other was less important to him but more important to me. I was spending about sixty hours a week doing mostly lab work but with some travel to a plant about five hours from home. The nastiest part of the work was occasionally having to mix a solution that contained small amounts of hydrofluoric acid which is one of the most intimidating of the acids. This acid won't produce an immediate burn if it gets on your skin, but it will soak into the skin and start destroying both flesh and bone. There's an antidote that they could inject around the burn and a topical antidote if you catch the exposure quickly. We had these antidotes, but I'm thankful that I never had to use them. I'm glad that I only had to mix this stuff every couple of days and only once or twice on each of those days.

The second longest and roughest stretch was working a turnaround at a refinery in Bakersfield in 2001. I think I averaged 14 or 15 hours a day for three weeks of work. The shortest day was a 12-hour day. The longest stretched to 17 or 18 hours. I generally crawled into several pieces of equipment on every day that I was there. I came home on a "red-eye" flight on a Saturday night at the end of the three weeks and spent Sunday doing a failure analysis on something we had found. I paid bills and took care of a few other things on Sunday night. I was at work Monday morning to do more work on the failure analysis. On Tuesday, I flew back to Bakersfield for another two weeks of turnaround duty. Fortunately, these two weeks were easier. I averaged only about ten or eleven hours a day on the days that I was there. I also got half of the Saturday off and only called in Sunday for a few minutes. By the way, I wasn't being paid overtime.

Bill

[WFTR]

I have given him some investment advice re: real estate, which he has taken.

If you're giving real estate investment advice, I have a "Dear Dolly" question.

I'm working pretty hard to pay off my house and expect to have it paid off in a couple of years. When I reach that point, I'm thinking of looking for more land to buy. I feel that I have a couple of options.

The first is that I can look for a place that would be right for me for retirement. I'd like to move back to the Southern Appalachians when I retire. I'd like to have a big enough place that I can take worthwhile walks without leaving my property. I might have to do several "laps" around the perimeter, but I'd like to be able to get a nice walk without having to drive somewhere or put up with rude drivers who don't like people walking on the road. In an ideal situation, I'd be on a lake that is too shallow for power boaters but ideal for kayaking, but I realize that I might not be able to continue kayaking after I retire anyway. I'd like to live in a rural setting but be within a reasonable drive of a good bookstore or two.

The second is that I can look for a place nearer my current home but not where I want to retire. In this case, I'd certainly want a place with water access. With the influx of people leaving New Orleans after Katrina, nothing within an hour or so of home will be affordable, but I might find something in the hour and a half to two hour range.

The advantage to going with the first option is that I can reduce my financial needs at retirement if I can find the right place and buy it now at a reasonable price. I could make improvements as I had the resources to do so. The disadvantage is that it would be a day's drive from home. If I could go there once a year, I'd be lucky.

The advantage to buying something close is that I could use it for a weekend retreat right now. I'd likely install a locking shed and keep a kayak there at all times. I could go up to birdwatch, to kayak, or just to relax. I suspect that I'd go only once or twice a month, but it could be a good break for me when I go. The disadvantage is that I'd have one more real estate transaction to have to settle when I retire. I wouldn't keep it when I moved back to the mountains.

What are your thoughts? Are there other options that I'm not seeing?

Thanks,

Bill

[A knight without armor]

I am always impressed at how thorough you think things out and explain things. That job you describe sounds so very hard. I hope they made you a millionaire. I really do.

My jobs don't even compare to anything like that. But in a way it reminds me of scary student work study job I had in junior college. This was a tiny college in the Midwest. There were only a small handful of jobs but I got one. First I was in the business office and that was awful because the boss was mean. I hated it and somehow got switched to being the assistant to one of the science teachers. My job was to maintain the lab section. That is I washed the test tubes and dishes and autoclaved whatever I was supposed to and also just kept the place up. Plus prepare for his chemistry classes. That included handling these big containers of chemicals.

Gosh, I was scared to death of these bottles of sulfuric acid. I had no training at all and nobody ever offered any safety equipment. I was scared of my skin and eyes. I'd have to pour it out into containers and I was just so scared. Then one day we got this big huge container of formaldehyde. I could not take the super strong smell so I took it outside but I still could not pour it for more than about 10 seconds without stopping and stepping away. It was much stronger than smelling it on say, dissection cats or frogs because this was concentrated. Sometimes I wonder what damage I did myself. Nobody told me anything. I don't know if even they knew how bad it was.

I also had to handle the dead animals and keep them in the walk-in cooler. This one professor taught taxidermy and people from all over the county would bring in roadkills for him. He also had a lot of birds. And when it rained I had to go outside and collect worms and nightcrawlers. I'd got a whole lot. I'd put them in big cans with dirt and set them in the cooler. It always amazed me how they'd all meet in the middle of the dirt and form an enormous worm ball and it was an ordeal for me to get some out as needed. One day when I was still new I was really tired and I had the cold can of dirt out and added some more big worms. I was used to keeping fish bait nightcrawlers in buckets of dirt at home so I though all was ok. I just left the big container on the counter in the lab workroom because I knew I'd be back first thing in the morning. Well in the morning I was first on the scene and I'm so glad I was because I found a science fiction scene that was unbelievable. During the night the dirt must have warmed up and all the night crawlers decided to escape. It was just incredible. As they escaped in all directions I guess they dried in the dry lab air and so they were dead or dying all over. Across the counter, down the counter, all over the floor, all over stuff on the floor. The first escapees that were farthest from the can were dried so hard they were glued to the surface they died on.

On the up tick, another duty I was crazy about was I got to be the greenhouse person! Oh, I loved that! I was always there alone with all those wonderful plants and it was like they were all mine! It was so quiet and private in there. Hot summer and below freezing summer it was always tropical in there. It may have been a blizzard outdoors on the other side of the glass but I'd be in a warm jungle. I loved to spend an hour or so watering with the hose and making it rain in there. Then I could step out the door and let snowflakes fall on me and then when I got cold I'd step back into the tropics.

[DollyCali]

Announcing SNUGS
to be CO-coordinator
of the SIngles Group



Hosts for Next several Months


Trussell will be our Official disc jockey

Posters will be: Maximus_Ridiculousness; rzeznikj at stout; rock in right; hoodlum91; pcottraux; army air corps; proud_yank; wftr; nowhereman.

Each will work alone BUT might want a helper in some way for hosting/pinging. It will be up to them. Rocky & hoody will post as a team.

Kate of spice Island & FriendDown Under have shown an interest in helping. You can recruit others that you desire. If you would like to help… either post here on thread or email me

Now we need someone for NEXT week s
o you aren't stuck with me again!

any volunteeers?

[IIntense]

Fall---A lovely time of the year here on the east coast! On two occasions, both during late Sept. & early October, I traveled by car across the country. Destinations...Seattle and San Jose.

Beautiful from coast to coast.

A very enjoyable Autumn to all!

[RockinRight]

Hey all!

[Tessarie]

To WFTR, I am sorry to hear your thoughts about not considering a woman who has children. As a single mom,
left with 3 children, I find that your opinion is the one that is the norm. Although, many men are divorced, very often they share custody of their children with their ex so they are not responsible for the children 24/7. I am wondering if any man would find a woman's children to be assets, more to love, so to say. I am responsible for my children 24/7. Their father has chosen to live a lifestyle of which they are ashamed and no longer are comfortable in his presense. Unfortunately, that leaves mom with little free time. I am wondering if any single men out their would find children an asset. I have to qualify that these particular children are kind and good hearted. Knock on wood, and have never given me any trouble. So the question is out there, do men find a woman's children an asset?
Thank you.

[darkangel82]

Evening RR.

[Tessarie]

Per #46, It could be that you just had a dud of a girlfriend. I have up and taken my kids plenty of places and we have seen many things. The 4 or us have traveled to
Texas by car, from Boston. We have gone to Myrtle Beach by
car twice. I have also taken them to the Dominican Republic and we have rode horses in the jungles there. I have not let
being single keep myself from giving the kids and I many adventures. We have gone off to NYC for a weekend, quite a few times. When I got married, my ex used to say that he and his parents were always traveling. That was the type of life that I wanted to give these kids. I wanted them to grow up, not afraid of the world, but also savvy enough to know what to avoid. Anyway, memories are possible even with kids. As long as you meet someone with a fire under thier butt.

[rzeznikj at stout]

Mornin...

[darkangel82]

what's happening?