The ***OFFICIAL*** Weekend Singles' Thread -- Dear Abby/Dolly (September 22-24, 2006)

DollyCali and All of the Singles & their FRiends | September 22, 2006 | DollyCali

[DollyCali]

Welcome
to
Counseling

Dear Abby/Dolly will be a 3-4 times a year part of our Weekend singles Thread. Questions will come from YOU. Answers will come from Me… and you on the thread. Please kick in with your thoughts, disagreements, and personal stories. We can learn from each other.. And now.. ON WITH THE SHOW!

I am a divorced woman who basically is dateless. I rarely go many places & am considered by most attractive, moderate build, weight but still no dates. You are considerably older than me yet seem to be out all the time. Can you share your secret?

The most important thing: Be yourself but first KNOW yourself. Don’t involve yourself with things you dislike or are lukewarm about with the hopes of meeting men to date. Go to activities & functions that are important to you & when threre throw yourself heart & soul into the activity.

Since you asked about me I will tell you that the men I date are ones that I believe are attracted to my being a tomboy. I play rough, do heavy activities(kayaking rough waters) biking(long distance & rough rides on trails or on roads) extreme long hikes off trails thru water, underbrush etc, cross country skiing NOT on trails & rough terrain for examples.

I don’t mind getting messed up along the way, am NOT crazy about correcting my makeup hair on dates, and have no problems in getting my shoes wet, dirty etc.

I date men 20 years younger as well as 20 years older & in everywhere between

Many people that are looking for "love, romance, long-term, lifelong" partner but seems to think that they are "above" anyone with "baggage." In my mind, the attitude alone is "baggage" on the part of the person seeking a partner.

It is extremely difficult to take on the burdens and problems of another, but the reality is, we all have problems.

Any ideas on how to change the minds of the masses without offending them in the thought that they are not "perfect?"

Yes, it is the old idea of a person NOT living in reality. They do NOT make good partners as they have a narcissist view of life.. Your second line is the answer. You can waste your life trying to change them but I think they learn the most by having reoccurring problems in relationships & falling on their face along the way. If they THEN truly introspect, they might have a chance. There is “Pollyanna” is all phases of life. Your hi-lighted one of them.

It seems to me folks in recovery groups often find some great potential mates OR the kukos in life. It is up to us to be ale to sort it all out. You can’t change folks but you can chose well.

We had this same struggle with Jeff, … re: Halloween, Easter bunny, Santa Claus.. etc. I let son Jeff always participate but made sure there were heavy duty discussions on the real centering of the activity & the hazards along the way. We didn’t go crazy with pricey costume etc & a few years instead of trick or treating we had the kids all over for a fall costume party.

At one of the churches we were at there were similar functions with emphasis on teaching the truth about Santa, bunny & the Halloween problems.

Now if your kiddie is really young the teaching is pretty simple & added to each year.

I know some parents completely prevent any Halloween participation for religious belief reasons.

If you “clean up well” and I guess I do, these same men love to take you to classy restaurants & the theater.

It is funny but for me it is really easy to get to know someone when you play with enthusiasm & carefree mentality.

What about “troublemakers” in the workplace. I have had people I barely know stirring up the waters & causing me to walk on egg shells. (this taken from discussion on a thread a few weeks ago between several of our men). What can I do.

Not much unfortunately. Some folks get their kicks from making other people miserable (does the word “terrorist” come to mind?) If in this situation you must go the extra mile to keep your nose clean & avoid any appearance of a problem. Women have done a LOT of harm to innocent men for whatever reasons but telling falsehoods or stretch “big time” the truth.. If you have one of these, never chat alone with them. ALWAYS have another trusted person with you to verify what was said. They are often just jealous &/or very insecure about their job. They will always try to make themselves look good & they feel unfortunately a good way to do this is to make OTHERS LOOK BAD.

[darkangel82]

Almost 1am here, but I'm not going anywhere tomorrow.

[Rca2000]

I must have been one of those that was aimed at.
(and rightfully so, I have "been there--done that" and DO NOT care to do it again--even if it means not developing ANY friendships with women co-workers, above the most surface friendships. I don't really like that solution--but nowdays, it is the only way I know to feel safe. Until someone gains my trust, I do NOT allow any chance for them to hurt me. )

AS I have often said.. it is SOOOOO much better to suffer alone in silence...than to be HUMILIATED in public!!

[IIntense]

...I don't speak from personal experience.

It's obvious you have observed others in situations you describe. Your insights are on the mark. Attitudes towards money weigh greatly in choosing a mate. If each has a different mindset about spending and saving, one or both could be taking on the other's baggage. Even without current debt problems, the attitude could be the baggage.

Marriage between a spendthrift and a sensible spender equals trouble.

Marriage between a penny-pincher and a sensible spender also equals trouble. In both cases, the one goes beyond the norm.

Really, does any married couple view spending exactly the same as his/her spouse? I suspect not, but it may depend on how far apart they are on the subject.

You said it better than I, with describing what baggage will fit in the trunk...and what will not!

[Rca2000]

I may have some "baggage" (much as you do, mainly in my "inexperience" in relationships and such) but at least I don't have too much "needless" debt. (IOW-- high-intrest debt on frivilous things, with little or no assets.) But about 3 years ago--I DID. About 3 yearas ago, I have nearly $20k in c redit card debt--and it REALLY made things hard for me.

How could I have so much debt, when I am not a "party animal" or such?? Well- part of it was from using my cards to "live" (buying gas, food, and other such things) when I was un or under employed some years back. It does not take long, to rack up several K on a card by gassing up a couple of tiems a week and buying groceries and such.

Then too, when I was young and dumb( not that long ago) and credit cards were a new thing to me, I used to be "overly generous with my cards" to others who conned me into buying them gas, food cigarettes, hotel accomadations, plane tickets, rental cars-- etc- ALL with the old promise "I'll get it to you later" and of course that later often NEVR comes. Putting a couple of plane tickets and a rental car and hotel rooms on a card for a vacation can easily rack up well over $1000 in one shot.

ANd then, I was too lax myself with the cards. I thought nothing of puting a tape deck, speakers, car repairs etc on the cards, every so often. This did not happena lot, but every little bit adds up.

And over about 10 years-- that "little bit" added up to about $20k!!

However--about 3 yrars ago, I ERASED ALL of that debt, when I did a re-fi on this house(with my mother). Now, I have only ONE card, with a balance under $2500, and a few hundered on a car repair card. That is IT. No lionger do I just "charge it" for others with a sob story as I did in the old days. and, since I have a decent checking account going nowdays-- I use my "debit" card most of the time, when in the past i would have used a credit card.

True-- I do have my college loan and the house and car-- but those are "honest" debts with assets to show for them-- not just wasted money.

And I usually save from 150-200 every week, sometimes more. I also have some stock in Oracle.

My credit score(as of a few months ago)was over 750.

So financially-- I would not be too bad of a choice.

[Rca2000]

Oh beautiful, where art thou??

[WFTR]

Still though, I truly believe your view of women and relationships are very skewed. Women LOVE "us" time, kids or no kids, so I can't imagine where in the world you are basing this conclusion on...especially if you've never had a gf.

I think I've told this story in the past, but I'll repeat it here. I was involved with a single mother back in the 90's. The relationship was too crazy and too short to really call her a girlfriend, but in a strange way, it gave me a little experience. We were once just sitting and talking, and I was talking about places that I'd like us to go and things that I'd like us to see. She turned and said to me, "Bill, do you know what our problem is?" I said, "I guess not. What's our problem?" She said, "Our problem is that you're still looking for a girlfriend. You're looking for someone who wants to go places and do things and have fun and build memories. I've already had my fun. I've already built my memories. I'm just looking for someone to stay home and help me raise my kid."

I don't doubt that women with kids want a man who will be at home to give her "us" time, but the difference is that I want "just us" time. "Just us" time means going places and doing things just with her. For instance, if it's 8:30 at night and there's not a cloud in the sky and we get the urge, I want to be able to drive 30 minutes away from town to look at the stars with fewer lights messing up the view. I want us to be able to stay for an hour to chat for a bit and then drive home. We'd be home by 10:30 or 10:45 and could still be ready for work the next day if necessary. We couldn't do that if we had a kid. We couldn't just leave the kid at home alone for two hours. If the kid had to be at school the next day, we probably wouldn't to wake him/her and risk his/her not getting back to sleep until late and being too tired the next day. Even if the kid didn't have to be at school, having the kid along would change the whole focus from our time together to entertaining the kid.

In the words that she used, I want someone who can go places and do things and have fun and build her memories with me and not live in the memories of having done those things with the other guy or guys who fathered her kid or kids. If I had my own experiences like that, it wouldn't be a big deal. If I had my own memories on which to fall back, I'd be okay with a relationship where everything revolved around her kids. I'm not blaming her or any other single mother for not wanting to expend that much energy to give me what I need. I understand that kids require a great deal of time and effort. If we've spent all day having to work, take care of things in the home, and run a kid or kids to all the things that kids need, it's likely that neither one of us will have the energy or the desire to drive off to look at stars. I'm not blaming her for not being in a position to give me those things.

My point is that my baggage is that I don't have those memories and have no interest in a relationship that can't give me those memories. The baggage of someone with kids is that kids must be the primary focus of their parents. No matter how much those parents want to give quality time to another adult, the kids must come first. We all bring a certain kind of baggage, but those particular suitcases just won't fit in the trunk together.

Bill

[Maximus_Ridiculousness]

I have "been there--done that" and DO NOT care to do it again--even if it means not developing ANY friendships with women co-workers, above the most surface friendships. I don't really like that solution--but nowdays, it is the only way I know to feel safe. Until someone gains my trust, I do NOT allow any chance for them to hurt me.

Hey Jack, I take it a step further and make it a personal policy not to develop friendships with any of the people I work with. Male or female. Getting together for a company function is fine and having a drink in the evening with some gal pals (or guy pals) at work once in a blue moon is fine too, but that's as far as I ever take it.

I go to work, to work. Period. I know that sounds cold, but it's the truth and the safest way to go. You never know how people will react to other people or situations in the work place, and when you don’t it could inadvertently mean your job. My two unsolicited cents is, anything you say or do with co-workers can and will be used against you. When you start trusting people you work with, you open up. Then, some time down the line, before you know it, the co-worker you “trusted” the most pulls the rug out from under you and now he’s got your job, your promotion, your raise, steals your credit, gets you to take the fall, etc.

I don't befriend people I work with, because I don't trust them and I know most are not there to make new friends. Most people at work go to work because they need an income, not new friends. This goes for single people too. Just because they are single, doesn’t mean they are “available,” even if you know for a fact they aren’t seeing anyone. Any seemingly harmless advances (compliments on dress, for example) made at the work place from a male co-worker to a female co-worker is a recipe for disaster and a possible lawsuit. Stick with, “you look nice today”. Anything beyond that could be seriously misconstrued.

[WFTR]

Even without current debt problems, the attitude could be the baggage.

This statement describes what I was trying to say very well. There has to be compatibility on financial issues. (I don't think compatibility means absolute agreement on details, but it does mean pretty good agreement on principles.) In some cases, the baggage of debt is an indicator of a difference in attitude. In that case, the attitude and not the debt itself is the bigger obstacle. If a couple shares similar attitudes, they can pull together and make progress towards whatever their goals are. If they aren't pulling together, then they can't make progress.

Bill

[WFTR]

The important point is that you learned from your mistakes and have taken steps to move forward. In the post just above yours, IIntense talks about attitude as it relates to financial issues. I think an important issue for either of us would be finding someone with a compatible attitude towards money. I could never be happy being tied to someone whose attitude was similar to yours when you ran up that debt. If she had to use the cards to live as you were doing and ran up only living expenses, I could understand somewhat. Your other examples represent attitudes that I couldn't tolerate. I can understand that the generosity that led you to try to help people is a virtue, but generosity that is beyond one's means is foolishness.

Of course that's just my opinion, and the title of this thread is "Ask Dolly" and not "Ask Bill." On another forum, someone started an "Ask Bill" section where people ask joke questions and I exaggerate my grumpy answers as a joke. Unfortunately, "Ask Bill" is a little too PG-13 for Free Republic.

Bill

[A knight without armor]

We are all up in the three o'clock hour.

Happy Fall as of yesterday.

[Maximus_Ridiculousness]

Ah.

I see what you're saying.

Essentially, you would prefer to meet a woman who has no kids. That's perfectly legal and you should not feel any shame for it (if you do). There's nothing wrong with coming right out and saying it. A single mother with kids has very different priorities. I would be worried about the mother that would neglect her children in order to spend more time with a new bf.

…That one woman you dated was looking for a sugardaddy if you ask me….

Anyway...to each his own.

There’s somebody out there for everybody in my book.

I know a couple men who are very children oriented and have made very good step-dads—my brother and my brother-in-law. Never had kids themselves, but both married a single mother, one in his mid-30’s and the other married at 54 (no previous marriages). Both who I am proud to say really made a huge positive impact in their step-kids’ lives (increased positive attitude, higher grade scores, overall better outlook on life, etc.)


If my brother-in-law can marry and find happiness for the first time at 54, then anyone can. (This means YOU.)

I don’t want to hear anymore excuses.

This includes you too, Jack.

Don’t make me come over there…

[Maximus_Ridiculousness]

YIPPPEEE!!!!! (It's only 12:15am here in my neck of the woods.)

[Maximus_Ridiculousness]

Hey everyone (still awake and present).

Time for me to hit the sack.

Catch you all tomorrow some time.

Night!

Happy Fall!

[A knight without armor]

Well, I did go to sleep for a little bit but woke up. Nothing on TV. Amazing how much of a companion TV is to me. I don't have cable but I enjoy the free TV. All is quiet here. I wish I had a screened in porch. I'd like to go out and take in all the new found coolness. Especially these past two months have to extremely hot and humid.

[WFTR]

If I post the latest pictures of my latest little one, I can push the thread to 50 responses. I always like showing off my babies, so here she (or maybe he) is.

Yes, they are the same lizard. This species can change color somewhat like a chameleon. She tends to be darker in her cage most of the time and lighter when I handle her.

I can remember when my first python was small enough to hang on my thumb.

Speaking of animals, I pass a miniature horse and her foal on my way to and from work every day. That's a cute little animal, and I just heard tonight that they are training miniature horses to be service animals for blind people. They often do better than dogs because they are less distracted and have a wider field of vision.

Bill

[darkangel82]

Unfortunately, "Ask Bill" is a little too PG-13 for Free Republic.

I think we're all well past 13 here lol.

[WFTR]

Thank you for the Happy Fall wish. Happy Fall to you as well. I'm glad you made the 50th post. I was afraid that we had a real dead thread here.

[WFTR]

I think we're all well past 13 here lol.

LOL Yes, but community standards are different here. LOL I'll spare you the details. LOL

[A knight without armor]

Awwwww. They look just like their Daddy. Just kidding just kidding just kidding.

LOL! Did you ever see the Everybody Loves Raymond episode about the frog lady? Ray's brother Robert went on a date with a woman who it turns out had a whole bedroom full of frogs. Raymond knew something was up because earlier at dinner he saw her eat a fly! It is one of my favorite shows!

[darkangel82]

LOL OK; I'll take your word for it. On that note, I'm going to get some sleep, it's 3:30 here.