The ***OFFICIAL*** Weekend Singles' Thread -- Dear Abby/Dolly (September 22-24, 2006)

DollyCali and All of the Singles & their FRiends | September 22, 2006 | DollyCali

[DollyCali]

Welcome
to
Counseling

Dear Abby/Dolly will be a 3-4 times a year part of our Weekend singles Thread. Questions will come from YOU. Answers will come from Me… and you on the thread. Please kick in with your thoughts, disagreements, and personal stories. We can learn from each other.. And now.. ON WITH THE SHOW!

I am a divorced woman who basically is dateless. I rarely go many places & am considered by most attractive, moderate build, weight but still no dates. You are considerably older than me yet seem to be out all the time. Can you share your secret?

The most important thing: Be yourself but first KNOW yourself. Don’t involve yourself with things you dislike or are lukewarm about with the hopes of meeting men to date. Go to activities & functions that are important to you & when threre throw yourself heart & soul into the activity.

Since you asked about me I will tell you that the men I date are ones that I believe are attracted to my being a tomboy. I play rough, do heavy activities(kayaking rough waters) biking(long distance & rough rides on trails or on roads) extreme long hikes off trails thru water, underbrush etc, cross country skiing NOT on trails & rough terrain for examples.

I don’t mind getting messed up along the way, am NOT crazy about correcting my makeup hair on dates, and have no problems in getting my shoes wet, dirty etc.

I date men 20 years younger as well as 20 years older & in everywhere between

Many people that are looking for "love, romance, long-term, lifelong" partner but seems to think that they are "above" anyone with "baggage." In my mind, the attitude alone is "baggage" on the part of the person seeking a partner.

It is extremely difficult to take on the burdens and problems of another, but the reality is, we all have problems.

Any ideas on how to change the minds of the masses without offending them in the thought that they are not "perfect?"

Yes, it is the old idea of a person NOT living in reality. They do NOT make good partners as they have a narcissist view of life.. Your second line is the answer. You can waste your life trying to change them but I think they learn the most by having reoccurring problems in relationships & falling on their face along the way. If they THEN truly introspect, they might have a chance. There is “Pollyanna” is all phases of life. Your hi-lighted one of them.

It seems to me folks in recovery groups often find some great potential mates OR the kukos in life. It is up to us to be ale to sort it all out. You can’t change folks but you can chose well.

We had this same struggle with Jeff, … re: Halloween, Easter bunny, Santa Claus.. etc. I let son Jeff always participate but made sure there were heavy duty discussions on the real centering of the activity & the hazards along the way. We didn’t go crazy with pricey costume etc & a few years instead of trick or treating we had the kids all over for a fall costume party.

At one of the churches we were at there were similar functions with emphasis on teaching the truth about Santa, bunny & the Halloween problems.

Now if your kiddie is really young the teaching is pretty simple & added to each year.

I know some parents completely prevent any Halloween participation for religious belief reasons.

If you “clean up well” and I guess I do, these same men love to take you to classy restaurants & the theater.

It is funny but for me it is really easy to get to know someone when you play with enthusiasm & carefree mentality.

What about “troublemakers” in the workplace. I have had people I barely know stirring up the waters & causing me to walk on egg shells. (this taken from discussion on a thread a few weeks ago between several of our men). What can I do.

Not much unfortunately. Some folks get their kicks from making other people miserable (does the word “terrorist” come to mind?) If in this situation you must go the extra mile to keep your nose clean & avoid any appearance of a problem. Women have done a LOT of harm to innocent men for whatever reasons but telling falsehoods or stretch “big time” the truth.. If you have one of these, never chat alone with them. ALWAYS have another trusted person with you to verify what was said. They are often just jealous &/or very insecure about their job. They will always try to make themselves look good & they feel unfortunately a good way to do this is to make OTHERS LOOK BAD.

[DollyCali]

hello! any good plans for weekend?

[DollyCali]

 THE  LOOK  OF  LOVE 

[darkangel82]

Nothing right now, unless I think of something at the last minute.

[DollyCali]

I am supposed to be in DC now... but the van that was to be ready last evening is still in shop. Bummer. I had the ducks in row.. friend to help with mom, another to feed the cats. I was taking FReep Pups Josy/Toby. Walter Reed NOW.. and the rally tomorrow in DC 12-3 (with some cut in time for the funeral of 2nd Lt. Emily J.T. Perez ping!

Thread here

[DollyCali]

need a nap.. will be back if I wake up. So glad I cancelled dinner/movie date. WIll see it eventually(invincible).. anyone see it.

I am falling asleep at keyboard.

IloveW & Rocky in DC? I am not ... sigh.... wish I could have been with you at Walter Reed tongiht.

Phil? I didn't get a ping Wed again.. maybe you are/were still under weather.

Max.. job sitll going better?

tomorrow will be in contact with the schedule for hosts..

for now.. toodles!

[rzeznikj at stout]

Mornin...

[darkangel82]

Mornin although it's 9:30 pm lol.

[rzeznikj at stout]

It's mornin somewhere in the world...

[RockinRight]

Nope, I'm home in Akron tonight, and Hoodie's in DC... :-(

[RockinRight]

How's the weather in AK? What town are you in?

[proud_yank]

Thanks for the wishes & prayers!

Alaska is in the 'Alaska time zone', 1 hour behind Pacific.

Things have been looking pretty good for me regarding work, and I will post pics & a short story after I find work. I promise, the drive was beautiful!

[proud_yank]

Today, its been rainy all day long. When I ran to the store, I saw that it had snowed on the upper half of the mountains.

For now, I am in Anchorage staying with a friend of mine from school. I'm just about to call about an apartment in Eagle River, which is the next town north of here.

I have an interview soon in Prudhoe Bay, which is on the Arctic Ocean. If I am working there, I'll be doing shift work and am free to live wherever I please. I would like to get a small cabin near Wasilla, Willow, or Talkeetna (AKA 'the Valley'), or on the Kenai Peninsula somewhere.

Anchorage is nice, but is definitely a city. There is always stuff flying here, from 747's, fighter jets, to countless bush & float planes, which is kind of neat.

[RosieCotton]

When I ran to the store, I saw that it had snowed on the upper half of the mountains.

Mmm...snow. I think I'm going to miss that this winter, going from Vermont to Washington State.

Good evening, all! What's left of ya, anyhow...

[WFTR]

Regarding "baggage" in a potential partner, I think each of us needs to evaluate what the baggage means. Not all baggage was packed the same way, and the way the baggage was packed may provide information that should be considered. We all have some baggage. The important point is whether two potential partners can arrange all of their baggage in a way that lets them get it all in the trunk.

As always, I have to admit that I don't speak from personal experience. I've never even had a girlfriend, but I've learned some things by watching and listening to others. These are my thoughts about "baggage."

As an example, let's consider debt. Money problems can put huge strains on a marriage, and lack of compatibility in this area often leads to divorce. Debt is a kind of baggage that is related to how people handle money, and therefore this baggage gives some important clues about a potential partner.

What is the source of the debt?

Is this person in $25,000 of debt with nothing to show for that debt except a closet full of shoes or a garage full of fishing rods? A basic principle of life is that we can't consume more than we produce. Someone who doesn't understand that principle is a fool and is not likely to be a good marriage partner. I see nothing wrong with rejecting someone immediately if he or she has a huge debt from foolish living and refuses to see that this irresponsibility is wrong.

Is this person in debt because he or she invested in a small business that didn't succeed? Even people who do everything right will sometimes fail in trying to start a business. That failure and the related debt are not a sign of anything being wrong with the individual who carries that debt. The debt is baggage, but if the relationship is right, that baggage shouldn't be a problem. The most important warning to take from that kind of baggage is that a partner with a strong entrepreneurial drive may rise and fall from debt several times. If someone isn't willing to ride that financial roller coaster, he or she must either persuade the partner to give up that dream or abandon the relationship.

Is this person in debt because he/she made an investment in something worthwhile and is simply waiting for the investment to make returns? For instance, someone who took a loan to get more education and is living carefully and repaying that loan while working at a new job is someone who understands the principle of producing and consuming. The debt is still baggage, but there's much less downside to bringing that baggage into the relationship.

Another question is whether one can afford that debt even if the debt says nothing bad about the debtor. For instance, if one's passion is to some calling that will never pay much money and prevents a spouse from making much money, then a big debt may be more than a relationship can handle regardless of how the debt was accrued. A guy who wants to be a missionary may never be able to pay a big debt run up by his girlfriend. If he's serious about being a missionary but has no way of paying the debt, he may have to let that relationship go while she finds some way to make good on what she owes.

Money issues can be difficult.

There are good people who understand that they can't consume more than they produce but who just don't have the impulse control to stop buying. If they can find a merchant who will take their credit card, they'll buy something. In some cases, their spouses end up having to treat them like children when it comes to money. The spouse will take away all credit cards, checkbooks, and ATM cards. The spouse will dole out cash in small increments and demand a full accounting. For some people, this kind of relationship is fine. Personally, I couldn't tolerate having a wife that I had to treat as a child in that area.

Another issue is how much people are committed to saving. I'm a pretty hard-core saver. To some extent, part of my baggage is that I'm still carrying the fear that my Mom's family felt during the Depression. There are families where both parents work and make good incomes but after ten years of marriage, they have less than $1,000 (or $3,000 or $10,000 or whatever) in savings because everything above that just "burns a hole in their pockets." If they have more than some amount in the checking account, they're going to trade a car, or buy tickets to Europe, or buy all new furniture, or whatever. I remember a friend telling about people he knew whose kids had every toy imaginable but the family had less than $5,000 in savings. I'm trying not to be critical of that lifestyle, and I'm certainly not critical of people who just don't make enough money to save. However, I wouldn't want to marry someone who wasn't committed to saving and investing.

One of my pieces of baggage is the fact that I've never really had a girlfriend. While women can say that they don't mind a guy who isn't experienced, most of them end up expecting a guy to know things that I just wouldn't know or wouldn't know when to apply. I'm not talking about sexual things as much as basic relationship practices. Because I've never had a girlfriend, part of my baggage is that I'm going to need much more "just us" time than many other guys my age. Because of this need, my baggage just isn't going to fit into the trunk with a woman whose baggage is that she has kids from a previous relationship.

Anyway, these are just some thoughts. We appear to be headed for a dead thread alert, but maybe there will be enough criticism of these thoughts to get us over the 50 post mark.

Bill

[Maximus_Ridiculousness]

Hey Miss Dolly!

Just checking in briefly. I did a 12 hour shift today so I'm rather late tonight after relaxing a little and getting some eats.

Phil has been working graveyard shifts (overnight) at his job for this whole week on a special store project, so he canceled this week's freeptoons. Poor guy's been doing 10-12 hour shifts since Sunday, I think, without a day off. As far as I know, he should be back to normal hours in a few more days. We may see very little of him this weekend, just to let ya'll know. He's having a very rough time at his job right now and could really use some prayers and support.

[Maximus_Ridiculousness]

Hey Bill,

I think you hit the nail on the head in terms of defining "baggage". Still though, I truly believe your view of women and relationships are very skewed. Women LOVE "us" time, kids or no kids, so I can't imagine where in the world you are basing this conclusion on...especially if you've never had a gf. Besides, it's never to late to start dating. If you're not one for wanting to meet a woman with kids, then there are plenty out there your age who don't have kids.

[darkangel82]

Hey Max. Seems like we're the only ones here.

[Maximus_Ridiculousness]

Hey Darkie.

What's shakin?

[darkangel82]

Just watching TV and posting on here, not much else but it's late.

[Maximus_Ridiculousness]

Yikes! You're east coast time. It's not even 10pm where I'm at yet.