**** Official Friday Silliness Thread****

OFST | 05/12/2006 | TheUsualSuspects

[BJClinton]

Woohoo! Made to another weekend...almost.

Silliest wedding cake ever:

[amxfan2002]

Basic Bar Terminology

1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU."
(Happy hour is about to end... drafts are now a dollar,
but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)

3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT GIRL FRIEND OF YOURS?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way
to have sex with your girl friend.)

4. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL."(FEMALE)
(I'm easy.)

5. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (MALE)
(I'm gay.)

6. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (FEMALE)
(I'm really easy.)

7. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (MALE)
(I'm really gay.)

8. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE)
(You're paying more attention to your friends than to me.)

9. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE)
(I'm horny.)

10. "WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years,
but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

11. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

12. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.)

13. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out
of my way.)

14. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway?
You're certainly not all that, Miss Thing, coming in here
dressed like a hoochie... And get your eyes off of my man,
or I'll slap you like the slut you are.)

15. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?"
(What's cheap?)

16. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get
to lick you.)

17. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what
I'll do to you in bed?)

18. "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

19. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE)
(I am really annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

20. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE)
(I'm 19.)

21. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over by the cops
for being stoned after my last visit here.)

[amxfan2002]

The Geography Of Men And Women


GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to
trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced
of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm
and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by
past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled.
The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all
conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is,but
no one wants to go there.



THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

[amxfan2002]

And now for something completely different...


Real Tombstone Epitaphs



Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down.
It was.

---

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

---

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East
Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
The Good Die Young.

---

In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

---

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

---

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising.

---

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

---

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

---

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

---

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.

---

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.

---

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

---

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket,
Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

---

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the
tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went

---

And last but not least, a friend of mine found this in Key
West:
I told you I was sick!

[CougarGA7]

[CougarGA7]

Hey, where did you find my picture?

[BJClinton]

Except for last year. They couldn't cover the spread and it cost me a few rounds of beer.

[r-q-tek86]

Except for last year. They couldn't cover the spread and it cost me a few rounds of beer.

Here's the proof that he paid off...

[CougarGA7]

This may help you with this.

The area of each part is as follows:

big triangle = (3*8)/2 = 12
little triangle = (2*5)/2 = 5
big block = 8
little block = 7

So adding the area of the components that's 32

But if you caluclate the area of the entire footprint it's:

(5*13)/2 = 32.5

[amxfan2002]

If you ever need an oxymoron....Look here...

http://www.oxymoronlist.com/

[BJClinton]

[hattend]

Yeah, I'm usually done when that happens.

[BJClinton]

Ahh, there's the pic. I was looking for it. Got it saved now. Speaking of beer, I know you hate home brew but I got my brewery up and running. I'm working on a high-octane dopplebock that should be flavorful and usable in a flex-fuel engine.

[hattend]

mmmm...home brew!

[BJClinton]

We just got a new house and I've converted the space under the stairs to a small brewery. It'll keep cool enough through the Texas summers for me to make cooler-fermenting brews.

Man, I'm thirsty now. Is it 5 yet?

[CJ Wolf]

somewhere. but not here....

[sully777]

High Gravity Supplies

---

High Gravity of Tulsa, Oklahoma

[RioSmith]

I think I've got this picture stuff figured out

[sully777]

Creek Pale Ale

[BJClinton]

That would be a bit of a drive for me. Austin Homebrew Supply is my hang out.

[Michael Goldsberry]

I Declare Fair Funkle

Whoop, there it is!