She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband says "Oh sh!t, it started!”
A Whine Cellar
So John Kerry walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey pal, why the long face?"
"License and registration, please," sez the blonde officer.
"Here's the registration, but I can't find the license," sez the blonde.
"Helloooo? It's a little square thingy with your picture in it."
"Oh, OK, like just a second, officer, y'know?" And she rummages through her purse, producing a squarish compact. She opens it, sees her face in the mirror, and gives it to the officer.
"Oh, wow," sez the blonde officer, looking into the compact. "I'd never have pulled you over if I'd known you were a cop."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
At least Wayne Gretzski showers after three periods
Because he was into headbanging!
More bar humor....
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.
When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.
The bartender said "Oh, it's the peanuts. They're complimentary."
---
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
Baptist Minister: Stolen? Are you certain?
Methodist Minister: I'm afraid so, and now I'll have to walk to make my rounds and minister to the sick and elderly.
Baptist Minister: I'll tell you what you can do-next Sunday I want you to preach on the 10 Commandments....and when you do so, I want you to bear down with conviction on "Thou Shalt Not Steal." I want you to make them smell the brimstone and feel the flames. That'll get your bicycle back.
The Methodist pastor thought about the advice and said "I'll do just that!"
A week passed,and Tuesday afternoon once again found the Baptist Minister sitting in the usual spot at the dinner, A look of elation breaking over his face as the Methodist minister arrives on his bicycle and comes in to sit down.
Baptist Minister: Glory be in Heaven my brother! Another soul has been saved from the clutchs of the Devil! Why are you not rejoicing in their repentance?
Methodist Minister, looking down at the table: It didn't really turn out as I planned..
Baptist Minister: How so? Did you not preach on The Ten Commandments? Did you not Bear down on The Lord's forbiddance of Theft and put the fear of Hellfire into the souls of the lost sheep?
Methodist Minister: Yes.....I did as you said.....but....
Baptist Minister: But?
Methodist Minister: When I got to the part about "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" I remembered where I left my bicycle.
A dyslexic walks into a bra....
A Texan and an Mexican are eyeball to eyeball over a section of border fence. The Mexican is looking daggers of hatred at the American.
Finally, curious, the Texan ask "Just why do you Mexicans hate Americans so bad?"
The Mexican spit on the ground and replied, "We hate you gringos for two reasons! One, you stole half of our country. Two, you stole the half that has all the working telephones and paved roads!"
Japanese guy walks into a bar a half hour after it opens and says, "Gimme a coffee!" The bartender hands him a coffee. He drinks it, then jumps up on the bar and craps. The bartender says "Hey!" and the Japanese guy pulls out a gun and fires at the crap on the bar. He then pulls out a cape and wraps himself in it. A puff of smoke appears and he vanishes.
The next day he walks into the bar and the bartender says, "hold it buddy! What were you pulling yesterday?"
The japanese guy says, "I went to American management school. Show up 1/2 hour late, drink coffee, shoot the sh!t, then disappear for rest of day."
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like an altar boy.
What's the difference between a lawyer & a carp ?
one is a scum sucking bottom feeder
the other is a fish
Dr. Smith liked to visit his favorite bar every day after work where Dick the bartender would have ready his favorite drink: an almond daquiri.
One afternoon, Dick noticed that he was all out of almonds. He wasn't sure what to do, and didn't want to disappoint his best customer. He found some hickory nuts and thought, "I'll just use these. Maybe Dr. Smith won't even notice."
The doctor comes in, sits down at the bar, and takes a sip. Immediately, he knows something is different.
"Say," says Dr. Smith. "is this an almond daquiri, Dick?"
"No," Dick confesses. "It's a hickory daquiri, Doc."
A guy saw that a magazine was holding a Best Pun Contest. He sent in ten entries, hoping that one of them might win...
But no pun in ten did.
Jesus and the Democrat
A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress
nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of
coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to
give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches.
He
hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's
about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once
more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of
beer. "On my bill," he said.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come
back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up,
and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips
out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and
yelled, "Don't touch me. I'm collecting disability. "
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says "what is this some kind of joke?"
You realize you are an alcoholic when you repeat yourself.