Posted on 12/02/2005 5:40:21 AM PST by BJClinton
Le w00t! It's Friday, it's huntin' season and the Boys are playing the Gints for the division this weekend. What could be better?
Looks painful...
Yes it does.
The amazing Italian
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "but I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."
absolutely mesmerizing
That's scary...
A Chinese couple gets married, and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My daring," he says, "I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Watchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan...numba 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries, "You wan...beef with brocceri?"
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."!
"Oooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well ... this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime ... so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and abracadabra! the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men might be ungrateful idiots, but fairies are...
FEMALE!
LOL, now that's funny!
Good quiz!
LOL!
| The Movie Of Your Life Is An Indie Flick |
 Your life hasn't turned out how anyone expected, thank goodness! Your best movie matches: Clerks, Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite |
They forgot mischievous for us both.
| The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy |
 You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum. Your best movie matches: Better Off Dead, American Beauty, Beetlejuice |
| You Are An Invisible Ex |
 You prefer leave all of the baggage behind you - far, far behind As they say, indifference is the opposite of love! |
| Your Eyes Should Be Brown |
 What's hidden behind your eyes: A tender heart |
Well, mine are blue.
Where ya'beeeeen!?
.
I haven't laughed like that in a while Thanks
"beef an brocceri"
Send me too!
Unless it's that weird thing Max sent us the other day.
Rent the movie "Sling Blade" and enjoy getting to know Karl.
"It ain't go no gas in it!!"
Not silly, but thought I'd share it just the same....
The Big Wheel
In September 1960, I woke up one morning with six hungry babies and just 75 cents in my pocket. Their father was gone. The boys ranged from three months to seven years; their sister was two. Their Dad had never been much more than a presence they feared.
Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel driveway they would scramble to hide under their beds.
He did manage to leave $15 a week to buy groceries.
Now that he had decided to leave, there would be no more beatings,but no food either.
If there was a welfare system in effect in southern Indiana at that time, I certainly knew nothing about it. I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on my best homemade dress, loaded them into the rusty old 51 Chevy and drove off to find a job.
The seven of us went to every factory, store and restaurant in our small town. No luck.
The kids stayed crammed into the car and tried to be quiet while I tried to convince whomever would listen that I was willing to learn or do anything. I had to have a job.
Still no luck. The last place we went to, just a few miles out of town, was an old Root Beer Barrel drive-in that had been converted to a truck stop. It was called the Big Wheel.
An old lady named Granny owned the place and she peeked out of the window from time to time at all those kids. She needed someone on the graveyard shift, 11 at night until seven in the morning. She paid 65 cents an hour, and I could start that night. I raced home and called the
teenager down the street that baby-sat for people. I bargained with her to come and sleep on my sofa for a dollar a night. She could arrive with her pajamas on and the kids would already be asleep. This seemed like a good
arrangement to her, so we made a deal.
That night when the little ones and I knelt to say our prayers, we all thanked God for finding Mommy a job. And so I started at the Big Wheel.
When I got home in the mornings I woke the baby-sitter up and sent her home with one dollar of my tip money--fully half of what I averaged every night. As the weeks went by, heating bills added a strain to my meager wage.
The tires on the old Chevy had the consistency of penny balloons and began to leak. I had to fill them with air on the way to work and again every morning before I could go home.
One bleak fall morning, I dragged myself to the car to go home and found four tires in the back seat. New tires! There was no note, no nothing, just those beautiful brand new tires. Had angels taken up residence in Indiana ? I wondered.
I made a deal with the local service station. In exchange for his mounting the new tires, I would clean up his office. I remember it took me a lot longer to scrub his floor than it did for him to do the tires.
I was now working six nights instead of five and it still wasn't enough. Christmas was coming and I knew there would be no money for toys for the kids.
I found a can of red paint and started repairing and painting some old toys. Then hid them in the basement so there would be something for Santa to deliver on Christmas morning. Clothes were a worry too. I was sewing patches on top of patches on the boys pants and soon they would
be too far gone to repair.
On Christmas Eve the usual customers were drinking coffee in the Big Wheel. These were the truckers, Les, Frank, and Jim, and a state trooper named Joe.
A few musicians were hanging around after a gig at the Legion and were dropping nickels in the pinball machine. The regulars all just sat around and talked through the wee hours of the morning and then left to get home before the sun came up.
When it was time for me to go home at seven o'clock on Christmas morning, to my amazement, my old battered Chevy was filled full to the top with boxes of all shapes and sizes. I quickly opened the driver's side door, crawled inside and kneeled in the front facing the back seat.
Reaching back, I pulled off the lid of the top box. Inside was whole case of little blue jeans, sizes 2-10! I looked inside another box: It was full of shirts to go with the jeans. Then I peeked inside some of the other boxes. There was candy and nuts and bananas and bags of groceries.
There was an enormous ham for baking, and canned vegetables and potatoes. There was pudding and Jell-O and cookies, pie filling and flour. There was hole bag of laundry supplies and cleaning items. And there were five toy
trucks and one beautiful little doll.
As I drove back through empty streets as the sun slowly rose on the most amazing Christmas Day of my life, I was sobbing with gratitude. And I will never forget the joy on the faces of my little ones that precious morning.
Yes, there were angels in Indiana that long-ago December. And they all hung out at the Big Wheel truck stop....
THE POWER OF PRAYER. I believe that God only gives three answers to prayer:
1. "Yes!"
2. "Not yet."
3. "I have something better in mind."
God still sits on the throne, the devil is a liar. You maybe going through a tough time right now but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that you cannot imagine.
May God Bless You All this Christmas!!!
Aw...that's cute.
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