Posted on 08/18/2005 11:21:44 AM PDT by meandog
Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then you need to develop a sense of humor.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park.
The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2-- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2-- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t faced from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 ---- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I ripped ass and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Trust me ~ old curmudgeons are always right. >:-}
I'm in Rocky Mount. You can't get real hot food here; the closest they get is the cayenne in the vinegar-based barbecue.
I'll take you word for it. I am 35 so I do not think I qualify, yet.
I've got grandkids almost as old as you. :)
LOL! I've seen it before but it is really funny. Thanks for posting it.
You got that right, but have you tried the Habenero Tabasco Sauce???
Ohhh yeahhhh......
I make chili for Vikings games. Everyone claims its far too hot, but they line up for seconds and thirds everytime, and ask me how I make it. The stuff is HOT. I generally make a mild version when I have company that hasn't been warned, though.
Well, I almost agree with you. Have you tasted Dave's Insanity Sauce? Now that's some tasty HOT.
see any favorites here? (I see several)...
http://www.sweatnspice.com/heat.php?heat=4
$300 a bottle!!!
Gonna have to go back later with the highspeed connection takes to long on the cell phone hookup.
Roll-on-the-floor-funny! Great humor post. Best in a long time!
When I got to the "snow cone" line, I about lost it. Too funny.
I have tasted many. The "hot" doesn't bother me but the lack of flavor does.
I'll stick with Tabasco unless Squantos buys me some of the $300.00 stuff for Christmas!!
If you like the flavor of habanero peppers (yah, who but Texans can taste anything in the nanosecond before it burns a hole in the roof of yer mouth and starts pursuing yer brain), I like Melinda's XXXXtra Reserve on burritos.
I like Tobasco on most of the things that just need a kick, you know, scrambled eggs, soups, chilis and stuff, and anything cooked at camp.
http://www.sweatnspice.com/proddetail.php?prod=500&cat=13
One thing.....I need a pic of ya doing a shooter of this stuff and it's yers little buddy !!
A loud, blustery Texan came down the aisle of the plane and plunked himself down in the seat next to young Billy. Every passenger seated nearby gave silent thanks that the odious Texan had not been assigned a seat next to them. After making himself comfortable, the Texan looked at the youthful passenger in the next seat and barked loudly, "Hey, there, young fella! Let's talk!"
Young Billy, who had been reading his book, closed it slowly and said to the obnoxious Texan in a quiet, tentative voice, "What would you like to discuss, sir?"
"Oh, I don't know," boomed the self-confident Texan. "How about nuclear power?" he suggested, hoping to overwhelm the youngster.
"Okay," agreed Billy softly. "That would be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all consume grass. They have exactly the same diet. Yet, a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that happens?"
The previously loud mouthed Texan's perplexed face clouded with deep thought as he commented quietly, "Jeez, boy, I have no idea!"
"Well, then," asked young Billy, as he turned to stare at the Texan, "how is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't even know shit?"
You got that right! I have a neighbor that drives over to Alabama from time to time and picks me up a bottle. That is some hot stuff!
Says on the bottle... Great cooking ingredient for sauces, soups and stews. Also, strips waxed floors and removes driveway grease stains.
WARNING: Use this product one drop at a time. Keep away from eyes, pets and children. Not for people with heart or respiratory problems.
LOL! I love hot, hot food. Pain is the flavor! (These might be too hot for me...)
Bookmarked for reading again and again. Thanks!
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