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VANITY--The chili contest: (Warning--extremely funny!)
e-mailed story | 8-17-05

Posted on 08/18/2005 11:21:44 AM PDT by meandog

Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then you need to develop a sense of humor.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park.

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2-- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2-- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t faced from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 ---- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I ripped ass and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: chili; funny; laughter; texas
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To: JimWforBush

Sure they do!!


41 posted on 08/18/2005 12:28:25 PM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
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To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick
Would I lie?

I getting spit balls in the back of the head now

42 posted on 08/18/2005 12:31:21 PM PDT by JimWforBush (Alcohol - For the best times you'll never remember)
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To: meandog

What a HOOT!!!!!


43 posted on 08/18/2005 12:32:51 PM PDT by ghostcat
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To: JimWforBush

Your Lisandra worships you!


44 posted on 08/18/2005 12:33:49 PM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
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To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick
My mother,s chili was so hot it had to be stored under water.
However, Mom's chili and fried bread sticks on a cold day were a hard combination to beat.
45 posted on 08/18/2005 12:35:21 PM PDT by dearolddad
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To: Manic_Episode

I have sympathy for the guy. I ate what I thought was a "cherry pepper" once, only to find out seconds later that it was a habanero. I blacked out. When I finally woke up I had a full grown beard, I'd lost 40 pounds, and I had to ask some stranger who the President was. It ruined my life.


46 posted on 08/18/2005 12:36:32 PM PDT by Jaysun (Democrats: We must become more effective at fooling people.)
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To: dearolddad

Sounds wonderful.


47 posted on 08/18/2005 12:37:12 PM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
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To: blackie; JimWforBush; Jersey Republican Biker Chick
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano

Don't ya just hate that feeling??
48 posted on 08/18/2005 12:39:17 PM PDT by PaulaB (Lead with your own unique style)
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To: Jaysun

Lmao. Not all my true stories are true, but that one was =)


49 posted on 08/18/2005 12:41:48 PM PDT by Manic_Episode (OUT OF ORDER)
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To: PaulaB; blackie; JimWforBush
"Don't ya just hate that feeling??"

I am trying to remember, it has been so long since I have snorted Drano.

50 posted on 08/18/2005 12:43:15 PM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
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To: Jaysun

*LOL*


51 posted on 08/18/2005 12:43:32 PM PDT by PaulaB (Lead with your own unique style)
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To: PaulaB

I haven't experienced that feeling yet and I'm not looking forward to ever experiencing it. ;)


52 posted on 08/18/2005 12:45:42 PM PDT by blackie (Be Well~Be Armed~Be Safe~Molon Labe!)
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To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick

I snorted a few things in my jaded youth ~ Drano wasn't one of them. >:-}


53 posted on 08/18/2005 12:47:41 PM PDT by blackie (Be Well~Be Armed~Be Safe~Molon Labe!)
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To: advance_copy
This will cause the entire mass of your brain to be spontaneously liberated as free energy in accordance with Einstein's formula (E=mc2), laying waste to everything in a 40-mile radius.

Blair's 6am


54 posted on 08/18/2005 12:48:03 PM PDT by HKMk23 (GoT this sweLl tagline on eBay with changE I found in my soFa. It's a "fixer.")
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To: blackie

I believe I can say the same. AHH the silliness of youth.


55 posted on 08/18/2005 12:48:47 PM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
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To: advance_copy
BTW, Tabasco is the ONLY hot sauce.

Well, okay then...I prefer the hot-sauce-like non-sauces made from habaneros, myself; or just fresh peppers in the food.

56 posted on 08/18/2005 12:48:53 PM PDT by Oberon (What does it take to make government shrink?)
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To: PaulaB; blackie; Jersey Republican Biker Chick
Don't ya just hate that feeling??

It's not as bad as Coca Cola coming out of your nose.

57 posted on 08/18/2005 12:49:22 PM PDT by JimWforBush (Alcohol - For the best times you'll never remember)
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To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick

I am saved!


58 posted on 08/18/2005 12:50:06 PM PDT by JimWforBush (Alcohol - For the best times you'll never remember)
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To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick

We thought we were "kickin' it" too. :):)


59 posted on 08/18/2005 12:50:43 PM PDT by blackie (Be Well~Be Armed~Be Safe~Molon Labe!)
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To: HKMk23
I prefer these, when I can get them:


60 posted on 08/18/2005 12:52:45 PM PDT by Oberon (What does it take to make government shrink?)
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