Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

What Your Beer Says About You
National Lampoon ^ | 1/2005 | staff

Posted on 07/29/2005 7:51:34 AM PDT by pissant

Keystone Light

You need 30 beers in one package but you only have $10. Also, for some reason you need to get drunk. There is a slight possibility that your taste buds were destroyed in some horrible accident during your days as a fire breather with a traveling freak show, enabling you to consume many Keystones without making a horrifed, disgusted face every time you swallow.

Bud Light

You need 30 beers in one package but you only have $10. Also, for some reason you need to get drunk. There is a slight possibility that your taste buds were destroyed in some horrible accident during your days as a fire breather with a traveling freak show, enabling you to consume many Keystones without making a horrifed, disgusted face every time you swallow.

Original Coors

You have never met me, because I don't know anyone who drinks this beer. I imagine, though, that you are some sort of mountain man with a scruffy beard who could use refreshment after spending weeks in the Rockies distancing himself from the trivialities of the modern world.

Corona Extra

You are married, live in the suburbs and are having friends over for a barbecue. There is also a chance that you really enjoy limes, but are having a difficult time working them into your diet. Small things amuse you and you enjoy watching the lime fizzle in the bottle after you stick your finger in and turn it upside down to achieve maximum limey pleasure.

Stag

Your stomach did something to make you angry and now you are returning the favor. You enjoy spending time on the toilet and will do it often for about three days if you drink a six pack of this beer-flavored laxative. Hunting is probably one of your hobbies and the red deer on the gold can is understandably difficult to pass up. Also, you may have lost a bet or are blind and could not tell which beer you were purchasing.

Guinness

You consider yourself something of a serious beer connoisseur. Undoubtedly you enjoy the occasional cup of coffee, as your choice of beer has a similar taste. When at a pub you like to partake in this brand because the foam on the top provides the opportunity for you to get a foam mustache and show your friends how funny you look. If you drink this beer regularly, you most likely claim some degree of Irish heritage. In all likelihood there was/is a "Guinness is Good For You" sign in your dorm/fraternity room/apartment.

Old Style (better known as Doggy Style)

You are at Wrigley Field watching the Cubs. There is no other excuse to drink this.

Michelob Ultra

You desire to be fit and attractive very much, but are unwilling to give up things—like beer drinking—that are necessary to achieve this goal. The word "carbs" was an important part of your vocabulary during the low carbs craze, but you are not really sure what the benefits of cutting carbs out of your diet might be. However, to be safe, you will drink a beer that claims to be low in carbs.


TOPICS: Chit/Chat
KEYWORDS: brewski
Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-20 ... 121-140141-160161-180 ... 241-256 next last
To: pissant

It will always remind me of the Freshmen boys in college. That and The Beast


141 posted on 07/29/2005 9:23:54 AM PDT by Hoodlum91 (Proud Owner of a Fighting West Virginia Mountain Cat)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 136 | View Replies]

To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick

Your kindness has not gone unnoticed!


142 posted on 07/29/2005 9:28:25 AM PDT by pissant
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 91 | View Replies]

To: colorcountry

The writer probably lives in a big city. You have to be a man's man to choke one down. ROFL


(kidding)


143 posted on 07/29/2005 9:29:32 AM PDT by pissant
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 93 | View Replies]

To: pissant

You are welcome.


144 posted on 07/29/2005 9:30:03 AM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 142 | View Replies]

To: pissant
That's a Texas beer, isn't it? I thought everyone drank Lone Star & Pearl down there! ;o)

We save the Pearl for tourists from Up North (capital "u"; capital "n").

145 posted on 07/29/2005 9:30:10 AM PDT by hispanarepublicana (There will be no bad talk or loud talk in this place. CB Stubblefield.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 126 | View Replies]

To: SmithL

Yes, they had some issues with quality control. Then again, why try to control something with zero quality! LOL


146 posted on 07/29/2005 9:30:22 AM PDT by pissant
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 94 | View Replies]

To: exile

That you were wise to give up drinking!!! LOL


147 posted on 07/29/2005 9:30:53 AM PDT by pissant
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 100 | View Replies]

To: pissant
Cool Rocky Mountain spring water.....I said I knew men who drank it. I didn't say I do. I'm a Bud gal myself. ;-)
148 posted on 07/29/2005 9:33:05 AM PDT by colorcountry (Where I come from, deeds mean a lot more than words. .....Zell Miller)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 143 | View Replies]

To: Dashing Dasher; Jersey Republican Biker Chick

Hey, this is a beer thread, not a "State of the Pissant" address! ;o)


149 posted on 07/29/2005 9:35:13 AM PDT by pissant
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 102 | View Replies]

To: BluH2o

Billy was the brains in the family, that's for sure!


150 posted on 07/29/2005 9:35:47 AM PDT by pissant
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 107 | View Replies]

To: PoorMuttly

Sounds like a full blown malady! ;o)


151 posted on 07/29/2005 9:36:31 AM PDT by pissant
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 111 | View Replies]

To: najida; HairOfTheDog

Now you are either lying, or you use the Hair of the dog method for avoidance! ;o)


152 posted on 07/29/2005 9:37:37 AM PDT by pissant
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 124 | View Replies]

To: pissant
Is there any good Iraqi beer?

No, I don't think they brew any here. But we can get Amstel, Heinekin and other imports. We do get Jordanian beer and wine and some from Lebanon.

153 posted on 07/29/2005 9:37:53 AM PDT by Allegra (Less Than 20 Days Until R&R - W'HOOOO!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 125 | View Replies]

To: pissant
And you know having Pissant's blessing will make taste even better!

HEY!

Doesn't FR have some kind of rule against using the words 'pissant' and 'taste' in the same sentence?

:-p

154 posted on 07/29/2005 9:39:17 AM PDT by MamaTexan (I am NOT a *legal entity* nor am I a ~person~ as created by 'law'!!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 127 | View Replies]

To: Woman on Caroline Street

Maybe Boomhauer has an extra six pack! ;o)


155 posted on 07/29/2005 9:39:44 AM PDT by pissant
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 137 | View Replies]

To: Hoodlum91

What is the Beast? Olde Engish 800 or the name of a waterin' hole??


156 posted on 07/29/2005 9:40:27 AM PDT by pissant
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 141 | View Replies]

To: hispanarepublicana

I just hope it's not Shiners that has been recycled thru someone's liver! ;o)


157 posted on 07/29/2005 9:44:20 AM PDT by pissant
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 145 | View Replies]

To: pissant

Smart... and good looking - what a combo!

;-)


158 posted on 07/29/2005 9:44:42 AM PDT by Dashing Dasher (In life... the learning curve is vertical!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 140 | View Replies]

To: colorcountry

How can you tell the difference? Truth be told, I can drink any domestic piss-water if its icy cold! :o)


159 posted on 07/29/2005 9:45:30 AM PDT by pissant
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 148 | View Replies]

To: Allegra

I thought I read somewhere that the brewery in Iraq was one of the 1st things up and running again after the invasion. I'll see if I can find out more info on that. ;o)


160 posted on 07/29/2005 9:47:06 AM PDT by pissant
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 153 | View Replies]


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-20 ... 121-140141-160161-180 ... 241-256 next last

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson