Happy Friday!
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = You better not 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron! 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
---------------------------------------------------------
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
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To: Fierce Allegiance
135 posted on
02/18/2005 11:53:04 AM PST by
Dallas59
(Bush said the "F" word 27 times January 20th, 2005!)
To: Fierce Allegiance
"Globalization"....
![](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v47/dallas59/Post%20pics/HP_Gabon.jpg)
137 posted on
02/18/2005 11:53:58 AM PST by
Dallas59
(Bush said the "F" word 27 times January 20th, 2005!)
To: Fierce Allegiance
Ready to eat?....
![](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v47/dallas59/Post%20pics/133_3325.jpg)
138 posted on
02/18/2005 11:55:20 AM PST by
Dallas59
(Bush said the "F" word 27 times January 20th, 2005!)
To: Fierce Allegiance
139 posted on
02/18/2005 11:56:13 AM PST by
Dallas59
(Bush said the "F" word 27 times January 20th, 2005!)
To: Fierce Allegiance
Ping and bump for later read.
To: Fierce Allegiance
What's the diference between the Super Bowl and the Grammy's
The Eagles have won a Grammy
Ba da bump ...
183 posted on
02/18/2005 12:43:17 PM PST by
tx_eggman
("All I need to know about Islam I learned on 09/11/01" - Crawdad)
To: Fierce Allegiance
(with apologies)
What's the definition of "endless love"?
Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis...
184 posted on
02/18/2005 12:44:20 PM PST by
bruin66
(Time: Nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.)
To: Fierce Allegiance
PHONE: RING RING.....
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is daddy," ... "Is your mommy near the phone?"
"No, daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then...here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to mommy and Uncle Frank that daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my God!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
***long pause***
Then daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 328-9874?"
190 posted on
02/18/2005 1:02:19 PM PST by
Trinity_Tx
(Most of our so-called reasoning consists in finding arguments for going on believin as we already do)
To: Fierce Allegiance
Grandmother's Song by Steve Martin
Be courteous, kind and forgiving,
Be gentle and peaceful each day,
Be warm and human and grateful,
And have a good thing to say.
Be thoughtful and trustful and childlike,
Be witty and happy and wise,
Be honest and love all your neighbours,
Be obsequious, purple, and clairvoyant.
Be pompus, obese, and eat cactus,
Be dull, and boring, and omnipresent,
Criticize things you don't know about,
Be oblong and have your knees removed.
Be tasteless, rude, and offensive,
Live in a swamp and be three dimensional,
Put a live chicken in your underwear,
Get all excited and go to a yawning festival.
Be courteous, kind and forgiving,
Be gentle and peaceful each day,
Be warm and human and grateful,
And have a good thing to say.
Be thoughtful and trustful and childlike,
Be witty and happy and wise,
Be honest and love all your neighbours,
Be obsequious, purple, and clairvoyant.
Be pompus, obese, and eat cactus,
Be dull, and boring, and omnipresent,
Criticize things you don't know about,
Be oblong and have your knees removed.
Be tasteless, rude, and offensive,
Live in a swamp and be three dimensional,
Put a live chicken in your underwear,
Go into a closet and suck eggs.
196 posted on
02/18/2005 1:16:52 PM PST by
dfwgator
(It's sad that the news media treats Michael Jackson better than our military.)
To: All
Everyone check out this little Flash-based game. You use your mouse (or trackball, in my case) to guide a little dot around a maze, and you have to be careful not to touch the sides, kind of like the old kids' game 'OPERATION!'. It seems kinda simplistic at first, but gets interesting around the 3rd level.
http://terminal-insanity.com/z1g/steadyhand.swf
198 posted on
02/18/2005 1:20:58 PM PST by
Sloth
(I don't post a lot of the threads you read; I make a lot of the threads you read better.)
To: Fierce Allegiance
My daughter sent me this... I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!
201 posted on
02/18/2005 1:47:37 PM PST by
loboinok
(Gun Control is hitting what you aim at!)
To: mattmullenix
203 posted on
02/18/2005 1:51:12 PM PST by
jtminton
("I shall never surrender or retreat." William Barret Travis Lt. Col. Comdt., Bexar, Feb 24th 1836)
To: Fierce Allegiance; All
Aww, man! None of my jokes are fit for the forum!
213 posted on
02/18/2005 2:58:50 PM PST by
FierceDraka
(The Democratic Party - Aiding and Abetting The Enemies of America Since 1968)
To: Fierce Allegiance
By the way, FA, I wanted to say that I saw this earlier and sent your jokes to my sister. Thanks for posting them. :)
To: wingblade
To: Fierce Allegiance; Betis70; Lester Moore
Epitaphs From Near And Far
- Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
- Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
- In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
- A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
- Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.
- Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in
the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in
Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.
- In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"
- John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.
- On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.
- In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.
- Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that
sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
- More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.
- Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.
- On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.
- The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
- Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down.
It was.
- In a cemetary in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I,
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.
- To which someone replied by writing on the tombstome:
To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.
- On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good Die Young.
- In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
- A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has
many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.
- In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
- In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
225 posted on
02/18/2005 7:59:13 PM PST by
Radix
(This country needs a seriously good buggy whip government subsidy program.)
To: Fierce Allegiance
228 posted on
02/19/2005 5:01:54 AM PST by
Khurkris
(That sound you hear coming from over the horizon...thats me laughing.)
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