[Fierce Allegiance]

Happy Friday!

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = You better not 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron! 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

---------------------------------------------------------

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

[Dallas59]

[Dallas59]

"Globalization"....

[Dallas59]

Ready to eat?....

[Dallas59]

[NotJustAnotherPrettyFace]

Ping and bump for later read.

[tx_eggman]

What's the diference between the Super Bowl and the Grammy's

The Eagles have won a Grammy

Ba da bump ...

[bruin66]

(with apologies)
What's the definition of "endless love"?




Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis...

[Trinity_Tx]

PHONE: RING RING.....

"Hello?"

"Hi, honey, this is daddy," ... "Is your mommy near the phone?"

"No, daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy, right now!"

"Uh, Okay, then...here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to mommy and Uncle Frank that daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Well, mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh my God!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."

***long pause***

Then daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 328-9874?"

[dfwgator]

Grandmother's Song by Steve Martin


Be courteous, kind and forgiving,
Be gentle and peaceful each day,
Be warm and human and grateful,
And have a good thing to say.

Be thoughtful and trustful and childlike,
Be witty and happy and wise,
Be honest and love all your neighbours,
Be obsequious, purple, and clairvoyant.

Be pompus, obese, and eat cactus,
Be dull, and boring, and omnipresent,
Criticize things you don't know about,
Be oblong and have your knees removed.

Be tasteless, rude, and offensive,
Live in a swamp and be three dimensional,
Put a live chicken in your underwear,
Get all excited and go to a yawning festival.

Be courteous, kind and forgiving,
Be gentle and peaceful each day,
Be warm and human and grateful,
And have a good thing to say.

Be thoughtful and trustful and childlike,
Be witty and happy and wise,
Be honest and love all your neighbours,
Be obsequious, purple, and clairvoyant.

Be pompus, obese, and eat cactus,
Be dull, and boring, and omnipresent,
Criticize things you don't know about,
Be oblong and have your knees removed.

Be tasteless, rude, and offensive,
Live in a swamp and be three dimensional,
Put a live chicken in your underwear,
Go into a closet and suck eggs.

[Sloth]

Everyone check out this little Flash-based game. You use your mouse (or trackball, in my case) to guide a little dot around a maze, and you have to be careful not to touch the sides, kind of like the old kids' game 'OPERATION!'. It seems kinda simplistic at first, but gets interesting around the 3rd level.

http://terminal-insanity.com/z1g/steadyhand.swf

[loboinok]

My daughter sent me this... I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!

[jtminton]

check it out

[FierceDraka]

Aww, man! None of my jokes are fit for the forum!

[proud American in Canada]

By the way, FA, I wanted to say that I saw this earlier and sent your jokes to my sister. Thanks for posting them. :)

[hoosier_RW_conspirator]

TGIF bump

[Radix]

 

 Epitaphs From Near And Far

---

1. Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
       Here lies
       Johnny Yeast
       Pardon me
       For not rising.

   ---

2. Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
       Here lies the body
       of Jonathan Blake
       Stepped on the gas
       Instead of the brake.

   ---

3. In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
       Here lays Butch,
       We planted him raw.
       He was quick on the trigger,
       But slow on the draw.

   ---

4. A lawyer's epitaph in England:
       Sir John Strange
       Here lies an honest lawyer,
       And that is Strange.

   ---

5. Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
       I was somebody.
       Who, is no business
       Of yours.

   ---

6. Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in
   the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in
   Tombstone, Arizona:
       Here lies Lester Moore
       Four slugs from a .44
       No Les No More.

   ---

7. In a Georgia cemetery:
       "I told you I was sick!"

   ---

8. John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
       Reader if cash thou art
       In want of any
       Dig 4 feet deep
       And thou wilt find a Penny.

   ---

9. On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
       She always said her feet were killing her
       but nobody believed her.

   ---

10. In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
        On the 22nd of June
        - Jonathan Fiddle -
        Went out of tune.

    ---

11. Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that
    sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
        Here lies the body of our Anna
        Done to death by a banana
        It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
        But the skin of the thing that made her go.

    ---

12. More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
        Gone away
        Owin' more
        Than he could pay.

    ---

13. Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
        In Memory of Beza Wood
        Departed this life
        Nov. 2, 1837
        Aged 45 yrs.
        Here lies one Wood
        Enclosed in wood
        One Wood
        Within another.
        The outer wood
        Is very good:
        We cannot praise
        The other.

    ---

14. On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
        Under the sod and under the trees
        Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
        He is not here, there's only the pod:
        Pease shelled out and went to God.

    ---

15. The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:
        Who was fatally burned
        March 21, 1870
        by the explosion of a lamp
        filled with "R.E. Danforth's
        Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

    ---

16. Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
        Born 1903 - Died 1942
        Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
        the car was on the way down.
        It was.

    ---

17. In a cemetary in England:
        Remember man, as you walk by,
        As you are now, so once was I,
        As I am now, so shall you be,
        Remember this and follow me.
            - To which someone replied by writing on the tombstome:
                To follow you I'll not consent,
                Until I know which way you went.

    ---

18. On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
        Here lies Ezekial Aikle
        Age 102
        The Good Die Young.

    ---

19. In a London, England cemetery:
        Here lies Ann Mann,
        Who lived an old maid
        But died an old Mann.
        Dec. 8, 1767

    ---

20. A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
        Sacred to the memory of
        my husband John Barnes
        who died January 3, 1803
        His comely young widow, aged 23, has
        many qualifications of a good wife, and
        yearns to be comforted.

    ---

21. In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
        The children of Israel wanted bread
        And the Lord sent them manna,
        Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
        And the Devil sent him Anna.

    ---

22. In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
        Here lies an Atheist
        All dressed up
        And no place to go.

[Khurkris]

btt