*** UNOFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD ***

It appears as tough the regular poster of the Friday Silliness Thread isn't on board today, So I have stolen the opportunity to post it up. Have fun!

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.

Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.

What's the d difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with..."a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Three men show up at the same time to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Welcome. I have to ask a few questions before I can decide whether to let you in." To the first, "How did you die?"

"Well, St. Peter, I was riding my exercycle on the balcony of my apartment when something happened and the resistance belt got caught in the flywheel. Before I knew it I was catapaulted over the railing and falling the five floors down. Somehow I managed to catch hold of the balcony on the third floor. I was saying a prayer of thanks when some maniac starts punding on my hands and cursing at me. Eventually I was forced to let go. But I landed on an awning and survived. I was backing away from the building when a freezer comes flying out of the third floor window and crushes me, and, well, here I am."

The second one is a bit of a body-builder. St. Peter says, "What's your story?"

"Well, St. Peter, I was pretty sure my wife was cheating on me so I surprised her one lunch by coming into the apartment unanounced. Well, she was naked on the bed but I couldn't see a man anywhere. I searched the entire apartment and I couldn't find nobody. It's then that I notice somebody hanging on the railing of my balcony so I start swearing at him and banging on his fingers. He falls, but he survives by landing on an awning. I'm just as mad as ... er ... mad as anything so I look around for something to throw at the son-of-a- ... excuse me ... cheating b ... er ... person but all I see is this stand-up freezer we have so I throw it out at him. I hit him, too, but I guess the effort gave me a heart attack. I had a serious pain in my chest and then, bam, here I am."

St. Peter turns to the third man and says, "You?"

"OK, Picture this. Here I am standing naked in this freezer..."

Shalom.

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad

day, and you just need to take it out on someone -

don't take it out on someone you know, take it out

on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone

call I had forgotten to make. I found the number,

and dialed it.

A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely

said, "This is Fred, could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

He replied "Wrong number a$$hole" and the phone was

slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone

could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called

her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her

phone number.) After hanging up with her, I decided

to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy

answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a$$hole!" and I hung up.

I wrote his number down, with the word 'a$$hole'

next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every

couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a

really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a$$hole!" It

always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my

therapeutic 'a$$hole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John

Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling

to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" He yelled,

"NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said,

"That's because you're an a$$hole!"

So, one day I was at the grocery store, getting

ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a

black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited

for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window,

so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the

first a$$hole (I had his number on speed dial), I

thought I had better call the BMW a$$hole, too. I

dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this

the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a

yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a$$hole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed

dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had two

a$$holes to call.

But after several weeks of calling them, it wasn't

as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an

idea: I called A$$hole #1. "Hello?"

"You're an a$$hole!" (But I didn't hang up).

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you? " he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, A$$hole, a yellow

house with my black BMW parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you

had better start saying your prayers. "

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole."

Then I called a$$hole # 2: "Hello?" he said.

"Hello A$$hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a$$," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance!

I'm coming over right now."

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police,

saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street and I

was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war

going down on West 34th Street I quickly got into my

car and headed over to 34th St.

There, I saw two a$$holes beating the crap out of

each other in front of six squad cars, a police

helicopter, and a TV news crew.

Now, I feel better... Masquerading as a normal person, day after day,

is exhausting.

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