PHONE: RING RING.....
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is daddy," ... "Is your mommy near the phone?"
"No, daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then...here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to mommy and Uncle Frank that daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my God!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
***long pause***
Then daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 328-9874?"
Oh my Lord. Goodness. Wrong number.
"Well, St. Peter, I was riding my exercycle on the balcony of my apartment when something happened and the resistance belt got caught in the flywheel. Before I knew it I was catapaulted over the railing and falling the five floors down. Somehow I managed to catch hold of the balcony on the third floor. I was saying a prayer of thanks when some maniac starts punding on my hands and cursing at me. Eventually I was forced to let go. But I landed on an awning and survived. I was backing away from the building when a freezer comes flying out of the third floor window and crushes me, and, well, here I am."
The second one is a bit of a body-builder. St. Peter says, "What's your story?"
"Well, St. Peter, I was pretty sure my wife was cheating on me so I surprised her one lunch by coming into the apartment unanounced. Well, she was naked on the bed but I couldn't see a man anywhere. I searched the entire apartment and I couldn't find nobody. It's then that I notice somebody hanging on the railing of my balcony so I start swearing at him and banging on his fingers. He falls, but he survives by landing on an awning. I'm just as mad as ... er ... mad as anything so I look around for something to throw at the son-of-a- ... excuse me ... cheating b ... er ... person but all I see is this stand-up freezer we have so I throw it out at him. I hit him, too, but I guess the effort gave me a heart attack. I had a serious pain in my chest and then, bam, here I am."
St. Peter turns to the third man and says, "You?"
"OK, Picture this. Here I am standing naked in this freezer..."
Shalom.