*** UNOFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD ***

It appears as tough the regular poster of the Friday Silliness Thread isn't on board today, So I have stolen the opportunity to post it up. Have fun!

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.

Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.

What's the d difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with..."a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

This blond walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks to speak to a loan officer. After a few minutes she is ushered into his office where she explains that she wants to borrow $5,000 for a 2 week vacation. The loan officer tells her he thinks he can accomodate her but will need some collateral. She puts some keys on his desk and points outside to a $250,000 Rolls-Royce parked in front.

The loan officer verifies title and agrees to the loan. The bank delivers the $5,000. The blonde goes on her way and the loan officer arranges to have the Rolls moved into the bank parking lot. Then they all sit around and laugh at the dumb blonde who would put a $250,000 Rolls-Royce as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

Two weeks later the blonde returns to the bank and asks to see the loan officer. "I'm here to settle my loan," she says.

The loan officer gets the paperwork and tells her, "With interest, your balance is $5,013.45. She pays the amount and he gives her the keys. As she's getting ready to leave he says, "Do you mind if I ask a question?"

"Certainly," the blonde replies.

"Well, we were very happy to do business with you and would be happy to help you anytime you ask. But, well, we checked you out and we find you're a multi-millionaire. You certainly didn't need to borrow $5,000 for this vacation. May I ask why you borrowed the money, and put up such an expensive car as collateral?"

"Oh, that's easy," the blonde answers. "Do you know anywhere else in Manhattan I can park a car for $13.45 and expect to get it back in the same condition I found it?"

I know, you thought it was going to be another dumb blonde joke.

Shalom.

Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre? After planning the crime and getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

...and you thought I lacked De Gaulle to tell a story like that......

APATHY IS LETHAL!!!!

TWO CATHOLIC BOYS

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."

No groaning now! You know you're going to pass it on to Catholic and non-Catholic friends alike!

Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indain replied "No, ! It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us."

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....

(Get ready, this will kill ya),

NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN

Gandhi lived, thought and acted inspired by the vision of humanity evolving toward a world of peace and harmony.

He held his beliefs so strongly that he transversed India, barefooted, in an attempt to impart his mystic understandings to others.

Imagine, walking for miles and miles over such terrain. Oblivious to the pain and to the very real physical damage that you are causing to your feet...callouses upon callouses.

When necessary, Gandhi would go on hunger strikes in order to gain worldwide attention for his cause...a world devoid of
hate and war. Of course, numerous hunger strikes left the man thin and frail and even caused him to have cronic bad breath (a little know fact)

Can you imagine being so devoted to your beliefs? So dedicated to the betterment of mankind?

Some say Gandhi was crazy, some say his was a saint....as for me, I will always think of him as "the super fragile calloused mystic hexed by halitosis".

{ducking... waiting for groans}

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic
name. For example, the trade name Tylenol® is acetaminophen. Aleve® is
known as naproxen, Amoxil® is amoxicillin, and Advil® is ibuprophen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra®. After
consideration by a team of experts, it recently announced it has
settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin,
mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. is making an announcement today that Viagra® will soon be
available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi® Cola as a power
beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign
claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a
stiff one.

Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives
new meaning to the names of cocktails and highballs. Pepsi will market
the new formula by the name, Mount & Do.

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.