Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre? After planning the crime and getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
...and you thought I lacked De Gaulle to tell a story like that......
APATHY IS LETHAL!!!!
TWO CATHOLIC BOYS
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."
No groaning now! You know you're going to pass it on to Catholic and non-Catholic friends alike!
Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indain replied "No, ! It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us."
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....
(Get ready, this will kill ya),
NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN
...and you thought I lacked De Gaulle to tell a story like that...... The December meeting of the Annapolis Chess Club was held at the Hilton. They had dinner, listened to the speaker, then had a cash bar made available so they could swap their stories. Some of the members had a few too many beers and decided to just hang out until they were chased out.
Eventually the banquet room was closed and they moved into the entryway. By this time they were really ripped and telling ever more fantastic stories about ever more fantastic matches with ever more stunning victories. They all knew each was lying but were just too ripped to care.
Finally, about 3:00 a.m. the hotel manager came out and said, "Gentlemen, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to leave. If there's one thing this hotel can't abide, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Shalom.