Posted on 08/28/2004 3:52:46 PM PDT by Libloather
Bad motorists are driving me crazy
How do you rate yourself as a driver? No, that's a stupid question. You rate yourself above average. It's a well-known fact that all humans consider themselves to be above-average drivers, including Amazonian mud people who have not discovered the wheel.
No amount of physical evidence will convince a bad driver that he or she is a bad driver. You take a motorist who, while attempting to pull out of a parking space, mistakes "forward" for "reverse," then, in an effort to correct this error, mistakes the accelerator for the brake and sends his car (an Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme) lunging across a sidewalk and into a restaurant, attaining a speed of 37 miles per hour by the time it rams the salad bar and is engulfed by a wave of the house dressing (a creamy Italian). Even as the paramedics are tweezing chickpeas from the ears of this motorist, he will loudly insist that (a) the restaurant was not there before; and (b) there are PLENTY of people on the road who do not drive as well as he does.
And the scary thing is: He's right! There are LOTS of worse drivers out there! A whopping 93% of all drivers are below average. And if you believe this is statistically impossible, you have not spent much time watching motorists whopping around on our nation's highways.
Certainly you have never driven in my state, Florida, which automatically issues a driver's license to every new arrival, including stranded whales. We have so many motorists driving into buildings that in some areas you're safer standing in the middle of the street.
But getting back to your driving ability: I can tell from the perceptive way you're reading this article that you truly are above average. So am I, of course. I took Driver's Education at Pleasantville (N.Y.) High School; we did our training in a 1962 Plymouth Inertia, creeping around greater Pleasantville at minus 2 miles per hour, signaling our turns and always maintaining a Safe Following Distance. This class taught me many important driving lessons, the main one being that if you find yourself stuck behind a driver's-ed car, you MUST get past it, no matter how many innocent lives you endanger.
Anyway, since you and I are superior drivers, I wanted to share with you an idea that was sent to me by Florida motorist Damara Hutchins, who is also above average. She begins by noting the annoying behavior of certain motorists, especially the ones who drift along in the left, or passing, lane, mile after clueless mile, never passing anybody and never noticing the line of motorists behind them flashing their lights, honking their horns, making explicit hand gestures, firing marine flares, etc.
So here is Damara Hutchins' idea: powerful bumper-mounted sucker-dart guns. You would shoot these at other motorists when they did something stupid. Ideally, you could fire several different colors of darts, to indicate the type of infraction. This would be a big help to the police, who could use the darts as evidence:
OFFICER: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?
MOTORIST: No, why?
OFFICER: I count 17 red darts on your rear bumper, which means you've been blocking the left lane.
MOTORIST: But I'm going the speed limit!
OFFICER (sighing): Sir, we only pretend that's the speed limit. In good weather and light traffic, the real speed limit is about 10 miles per hour faster, which is the speed 80% of the other drivers are going. If you don't want to go that fast, you need to get over, okay? Also, I count five yellow darts, indicating you swerved between lanes while dialing your cell phone; and one brown dart you got for driving a Pontiac Aztek, a vehicle ugly enough to cause retina damage.
MOTORIST: Will I get a ticket?
OFFICER: I'm giving you a warning on those infractions, sir. But I have to cite you for the green dart.
MOTORIST: What's that for?
OFFICER: Flagrant nosepicking.
Of course only good drivers would be allowed to participate in the car-dart program; otherwise, we'd wind up with darts all over pedestrians, salad bars, etc. But assuming we can work out the details, I think this is a terrific idea. If you agree, get out of my way.
Originally published on August 28, 2004
Which is probably why I don't bother buying a car. A bicycle and a bus pass are enough for me.
What I can't stand here in Seattle is the fact that people drive 35 MPH in the passing lane.
Try riding a motorcycle. We are invisible to everyone.
Last week, I looked ahead of me up the highway and saw a lot of tail lights; a gridlock was just developing. We got down to about 13 mph and I still couldn't see anything causing it. Finally I saw, over on the OTHER side of the freeway, a county truck parked well off the road, and two workers picking up trash. By the time I saw them, the speed was picking up to normal. Obviously, ONE idiot, way ahead of us, had slowed down to ogle the workers, causing about two hundred cars behind to slow to a crawl. It's amazing how just one driver can cause a major quagmire.
Unless your the bozo who passed me on the left last month. My heart nearly exploded.
Here is mine:
The person who insists on passing me, in spite of the fact I'm doing 5 mph over the speed limit. Once the idiot passes he then slows down to the speed limit.
Stirling Moss, one of the worlds best racing drivers at one time, once said that there two things that you never tell a man: One, that he's a bad lover, and two, that he's a bad driver.
Pet peeves: Going slow and hogging in the fast lane.
Slow passers, passing some one going 60 MPH and passing them at 62 MPH and taking forever.
People in the right hand turn lane at lights who do not turn right.
People who cannot change lanes while simultaneously moving forward (for example, one of my EX girlfriends (and her driving is one of the reasons for her exness) ).
Idiots with Kerry voter on board signs in their windows. I nerf em off cliffs.
The only thing worse than a tailgater is a driver that won't move over when I'm driving right on thier a$$. (kidding)
Unless your the bozo who passed me on the left last month. My heart nearly exploded.
HUH??
Bump...
If only I was invisible to the cops also... :)
Did you ping me to this thread because you are aware of my superior driving skills at my advanced age...
Ahh! The old age and treachery plan I see;)
How do I rate myself as a driver?
Um...I'm a woman.
Need I say more? ;-)
VERY defensive -- it's a sad commentary, but it's usually paid off to assume the person on the road next to you will make some bonehead move.
FWIW, some more pet peeves:
> Drivers in the left-turn lane at an intersection who are "hypnotized" when the arrow comes on...
> People afraid of the signal changing who slow down approaching an intersection, then speed up on the yellow so you're stuck...
>Those who believe 'right-on-red' is the highest rule of the road...
I am agressive but careful. I never tailgate. I change lanes with plenty of distance. I increase speed to pass to hold down left lane time. I stay in the right lane except to pass. I use signals. I will pull off of a two lane road to let a tailgater by.
In a car, a truck, or on a motorcycle I am way above average. I have driven in at least 40 or the 50 states.
Forget airbag warnings, every car in the nation ought to have the Golden Rule stickered on the visors.
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