Songs so bad they're on a list all their own

Houston Chronicle ^ | April 20, 2004, 4:05PM | CLIFFORD PUGH

[Houmatt]

We're a nation of lists. Best dressed. Worst dressed. Fattest cities. Fittest cities. Hottest couples. Baddest break-ups. The greatest and worst movies, television shows, videos, DVDs and albums of all time.

Heck, VH1 has even compiled the "top 9 Jen's." Aniston, Lopez and Garner lead the list (guess they couldn't locate a 10th).

But no one has compiled the 50 worst songs ever -- until now.

Blender, a heretofore little-known music magazine, has garnered a boatload of attention this week with its list of really bad rock-era tunes. According to an advance copy of the article, which is in the May issue (on newsstands April 27), the selected songs have "crap-tastic" melodies, were wretchedly performed or make no sense whatsoever.

Or perhaps they simply evoked bad memories for the magazine's editors.

Who could truly despise the No. 1 song on their list -- Starship's We Built This City -- or No. 33, Aqua's Barbie Girl ("I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic!")?

OK, so maybe Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby, the Stevie Wonder/Paul McCartney duet Ebony and Ivory, Ricky Martin's She Bangs and Celine Dion's love theme from Titanic, My Heart Will Go On, deserve their rankings (Nos. 5, 10, 39 and 50, respectively).

But it's hard to take a list seriously that includes Simon & Garfunkel's Sounds of Silence (No. 42), REM's Shiny Happy People (No. 35) and the Beatles' Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da (No. 48) -- but excludes the Macarena.

And what, no Barry Manilow?

Check out the full list and see if you agree with any of the choices.

And if you're really a glutton for punishment, tune in on May 12 to hear the VH1 special, The 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever.

Blender Magazine's list of the 50 Worst Songs Ever:

1. We Built This City ... Starship ... 1985

2. Achy Breaky Heart ... Billy Ray Cyrus ... 1992

3. Everybody Have Fun Tonight ... Wang Chung ... 1986

4. Rollin' ... Limp Bizkit ... 2000

5. Ice Ice Baby ... Vanilla Ice ... 1990

6. The Heart of Rock & Roll ... Huey Lewis and the News ... 1984

7. Don't Worry, Be Happy ... Bobby McFerrin ... 1988

8. Party All the Time ... Eddie Murphy ... 1985

9. American Life ... Madonna ... 2003

10. Ebony and Ivory ... Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder ... 1982

11. Invisible ... Clay Aiken ... 2003

12. Kokomo ... The Beach Boys ... 1988

13. Illegal Alien ... Genesis ... 1983

14. From a Distance ... Bette Midler ... 1990

15. I'll Be There for You ... The Rembrandts ... 1995

16. What's Up? ... 4 Non Blondes ... 1993

17. Pumps and a Bump ... Hammer ... 1994

18. You're the Inspiration ... Chicago ... 1984

19. Broken Wings ... Mr. Mister ... 1985

20. Dancing on the Ceiling ... Lionel Richie ... 1986

21. Two Princes ... Spin Doctors ... 1992

22. Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American) ... Toby Keith ... 2002

23. Sunglasses at Night ... Corey Hart ... 1984

24. Five for Fighting ... Superman ... 2000

25. I'll Be Missing You ... Puff Daddy featuring Faith Evans and 112 ... 1997

26. The End ... The Doors ... 1967

27. The Final Countdown ... Europe ... 1987

28. Your Body Is a Wonderland ... John Mayer ... 2001

29. Breakfast at Tiffany's ... Deep Blue Something ... 1995

30. Greatest Love of All ... Whitney Houston ... 1986

31. Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm ... Crash Test Dummies ... 1994

32. Will 2K ... Will Smith ... 1999

33. Barbie Girl ... Aqua ... 1997

34. Longer ... Dan Fogelberg ... 1979

35. Shiny Happy People ... R.E.M. ... 1991

36. Make Em Say Uhh! ... Master P featuring Silkk, Fiend, Mia-X and Mystikal ... 1998

37. Rico Suave ... Gerardo ... 1991

38. Cotton Eyed Joe ... Rednex ... 1995

39. She Bangs ... Ricky Martin ... 2000

40. I Wanna Sex You Up ... Color Me Badd ... 1991

41. We Didn't Start the Fire ... Billy Joel ... 1989

42. The Sounds of Silence ... Simon & Garfunkel ... 1965

43. Follow Me ... Uncle Kracker ... 2000

44. I'll Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That) ... Meat Loaf ... 1993

45. Mesmerize ... Ja Rule featuring Ashanti ... 2002

46. Hangin' Tough ... New Kids on the Block ... 1989

47. The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You ... Bryan Adams ... 1996

48. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da ... The Beatles ... 1968

49. I'm Too Sexy ... Right Said Fred ... 1992

50. My Heart Will Go On ... Celine Dion ... 1998

[mean lunch lady]

This list is totally incomplete - nobody mentioned "Cherish"
Yuuuuuck!!

[HungarianGypsy]

I found a lot of songs on the list I liked. Some were down too low that should have been in the top 10. Some of the songs you mentioned (that I also like) were probably played to death. That's the only reasoning I can get. But, Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue is one that should not even come near that list.

[mean lunch lady]

OK, if you wanna talk about old songs, do you remember "Jeremiah Peabody's Polyunsaturated, Quick-dissolving, Fast-acting, Pleasant-tasting Green and Purple Pills"?
I swear it's a real song.

[Dilbert56]

The dogs barking "Jungle Bells" should be on there.

Also:

Hall & Oates: "It's a Bitch Girl"

[mean lunch lady]

"The dogs barking "Jungle Bells" should be on there."


I hope you meant Jingle Bells, otherwise it would mean there were two songs that bad.

[katz]

That is what I have learned. Thank ya all.

[Jen]

Heck, VH1 has even compiled the "top 9 Jen's." Aniston, Lopez and Garner lead the list (guess they couldn't locate a 10th).

They should've looked at FR.

[Scott from the Left Coast]

In the Year 2525 was by Zagar and Evans. Truly a horrid thing.

No worst of list is complete without it. And to show how bad those guys were, it was their only "hit".

[katz]

Yes, I learned that earlier. A neat song. Thanks.

[drjimmy]

That's "Chestnut Mare" by The Byrds.

[fidelis]

Then again, there's my personal Blues favorite, "Nobody Loves Me But My Mama, and She Could Be Jivin' Too."

[mean lunch lady]

OK, how about "You Stole My Wife, You Horse Thief"?

[Kirkwood]

Yoko Ono's music is so bad that no one even knows the name of any of her songs.

[mean lunch lady]

Yoko Ono's music is so bad that no one even knows the name of any of her songs.

I think she did one called "Earplugs, nothing more than Earplugs" sung to the tune of (shudder) "Feelings".

[HenryLeeII]

I'm sure you and I could come up with a hundred songs that are worse than anything the Beatles, Stones, or Who recorded. I personally don't see how any Beatles song could be on a list of the 50 worst songs of all time. "Helter Skelter" is a good hard-rocking tune with an interesting triple fade-out, and the immortal refrain at the end, "I've got blisters on my fingers" that segues beautifully into George's "Long Long Long." Even something like "You Know My Name (Look Up the Number)" is fun to listen to and sing along with, and is nowhere as stupid or annoying as anything put out by most of the MTV generation.

Heck, I'd rather listen to Their Satanic Majesty's Request straight than anything put out by Britney Spears or Justin Timberlake!

[Mr. Mojo]

Heck, I'd rather listen to Their Satanic Majesty's Request straight than anything put out by Britney Spears or Justin Timberlake!

lol....yup, and that would be quite a painful listen. (I know a guy who actually thinks that it's the Stones' best album, if you can believe it. .....although his longstanding addiction to barbituates might have something to do with it).

Too many horrible songs to mention, although I believe the list above just takes "hits" into consideration.

[Moleman]

being a teenager in the 80's i still like 27. The Final Countdown ... Europe ... 1987

[bootless]

"Seomtimes When We Touch"?

I HATE that song! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

The man sounds like all the testosterone had been drained from his being. Yuck.

[solitas]

Ray Stevens! Got it on 45 somewhere. Really oughta find it...

[RightWhale]

"Midnight at the Oasis"

Like all jazz, it is a matter of taste. This would be one of Alan Greenspan's most requested if he hadn't gone into economics.