Songs so bad they're on a list all their own

Houston Chronicle ^ | April 20, 2004, 4:05PM | CLIFFORD PUGH

[Houmatt]

We're a nation of lists. Best dressed. Worst dressed. Fattest cities. Fittest cities. Hottest couples. Baddest break-ups. The greatest and worst movies, television shows, videos, DVDs and albums of all time.

Heck, VH1 has even compiled the "top 9 Jen's." Aniston, Lopez and Garner lead the list (guess they couldn't locate a 10th).

But no one has compiled the 50 worst songs ever -- until now.

Blender, a heretofore little-known music magazine, has garnered a boatload of attention this week with its list of really bad rock-era tunes. According to an advance copy of the article, which is in the May issue (on newsstands April 27), the selected songs have "crap-tastic" melodies, were wretchedly performed or make no sense whatsoever.

Or perhaps they simply evoked bad memories for the magazine's editors.

Who could truly despise the No. 1 song on their list -- Starship's We Built This City -- or No. 33, Aqua's Barbie Girl ("I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic!")?

OK, so maybe Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby, the Stevie Wonder/Paul McCartney duet Ebony and Ivory, Ricky Martin's She Bangs and Celine Dion's love theme from Titanic, My Heart Will Go On, deserve their rankings (Nos. 5, 10, 39 and 50, respectively).

But it's hard to take a list seriously that includes Simon & Garfunkel's Sounds of Silence (No. 42), REM's Shiny Happy People (No. 35) and the Beatles' Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da (No. 48) -- but excludes the Macarena.

And what, no Barry Manilow?

Check out the full list and see if you agree with any of the choices.

And if you're really a glutton for punishment, tune in on May 12 to hear the VH1 special, The 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever.

Blender Magazine's list of the 50 Worst Songs Ever:

1. We Built This City ... Starship ... 1985

2. Achy Breaky Heart ... Billy Ray Cyrus ... 1992

3. Everybody Have Fun Tonight ... Wang Chung ... 1986

4. Rollin' ... Limp Bizkit ... 2000

5. Ice Ice Baby ... Vanilla Ice ... 1990

6. The Heart of Rock & Roll ... Huey Lewis and the News ... 1984

7. Don't Worry, Be Happy ... Bobby McFerrin ... 1988

8. Party All the Time ... Eddie Murphy ... 1985

9. American Life ... Madonna ... 2003

10. Ebony and Ivory ... Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder ... 1982

11. Invisible ... Clay Aiken ... 2003

12. Kokomo ... The Beach Boys ... 1988

13. Illegal Alien ... Genesis ... 1983

14. From a Distance ... Bette Midler ... 1990

15. I'll Be There for You ... The Rembrandts ... 1995

16. What's Up? ... 4 Non Blondes ... 1993

17. Pumps and a Bump ... Hammer ... 1994

18. You're the Inspiration ... Chicago ... 1984

19. Broken Wings ... Mr. Mister ... 1985

20. Dancing on the Ceiling ... Lionel Richie ... 1986

21. Two Princes ... Spin Doctors ... 1992

22. Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American) ... Toby Keith ... 2002

23. Sunglasses at Night ... Corey Hart ... 1984

24. Five for Fighting ... Superman ... 2000

25. I'll Be Missing You ... Puff Daddy featuring Faith Evans and 112 ... 1997

26. The End ... The Doors ... 1967

27. The Final Countdown ... Europe ... 1987

28. Your Body Is a Wonderland ... John Mayer ... 2001

29. Breakfast at Tiffany's ... Deep Blue Something ... 1995

30. Greatest Love of All ... Whitney Houston ... 1986

31. Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm ... Crash Test Dummies ... 1994

32. Will 2K ... Will Smith ... 1999

33. Barbie Girl ... Aqua ... 1997

34. Longer ... Dan Fogelberg ... 1979

35. Shiny Happy People ... R.E.M. ... 1991

36. Make Em Say Uhh! ... Master P featuring Silkk, Fiend, Mia-X and Mystikal ... 1998

37. Rico Suave ... Gerardo ... 1991

38. Cotton Eyed Joe ... Rednex ... 1995

39. She Bangs ... Ricky Martin ... 2000

40. I Wanna Sex You Up ... Color Me Badd ... 1991

41. We Didn't Start the Fire ... Billy Joel ... 1989

42. The Sounds of Silence ... Simon & Garfunkel ... 1965

43. Follow Me ... Uncle Kracker ... 2000

44. I'll Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That) ... Meat Loaf ... 1993

45. Mesmerize ... Ja Rule featuring Ashanti ... 2002

46. Hangin' Tough ... New Kids on the Block ... 1989

47. The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You ... Bryan Adams ... 1996

48. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da ... The Beatles ... 1968

49. I'm Too Sexy ... Right Said Fred ... 1992

50. My Heart Will Go On ... Celine Dion ... 1998

[Chinito]

"Mr. Tambourine Man" by William Shatner from his "The Transformed Man" album, released in 1968.

I respectfully disagree. It's gotta be James Tiberius Kirk's "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds", IMHO.

[My2Cents]

When did they drop the "c" that was in front of "rap"?

[My2Cents]

"In the Year 2525." Thanks for mentioned that one. I don't think I've ever listened to that song all the way through.

[Welsh Rabbit]

ARRRR! The horror, the horror! How can do that to another human being, you monster? You're lucky I'm too traumatized to retaliate...

[Welsh Rabbit]

How can do= How can you do

[Rebelbase]

"Midnight After I'm Wasted."

ROTF!

[Rebelbase]

I know, I know...(hanging head in shame).....:-)

[CIBvet]

That's only because you've never heard it done by the author, Willis Allen Ramsey.

Willis has a unique way of selling his love song on his one and only album release (on Shelter Records -- Leon Russell's Co.) circa 1973.(?) I think it works well on the album, but is not the best tune included by far IMO. Listen to Angel Eyes or Ballad of Spider John.

Unfortunately The Capt & Tennielle(sp?) combined with heavy Radio rotation/playlists drove a decent song straight into the ground .... it turned a great songwriter and performer (Willis) into a reclusive family-man, richly rewarded for the rest of his life, by one of his lesser tunes.

IF you can find a copy of his album, you've found a real JEWEL !!!

It not only revealed a very creative picker but a more than soulful songwriter ... and now the man has become a legendary Texas storyteller, in his own time.

Forget that PooP Culture fabrication (Cpt& Schlamielle) ... I do agree however that their version of Muskrat, pumped into Sadaam's cell as frequently as it was pumped into our ears, might disturb him so much that he might start coughing up a few WMD secrets.

[FreedomCalls]

It's gotta be James Tiberius Kirk's "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds", IMHO.

I found a link! Listen here for Shatner's "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" and compare it with his "Mr. Tambourine Man" and tell me which is worse. Also don't forget "Star Trekkin' Across the Universe." Gah, has anything else produced such dreck? Ack, phhht.

[GSWarrior]

For what it's worth here are my bottom five from worst to least. I've been out of the loop for about 15 years. There's probably worse, more current songs.

Some Like It Hot-Power Station, 1985
Although their version of Bang A Gong was worse, fortunately (or unfortunately) more people heard this truly awful offering from the 80s "supergroup." You want your drums way up front in the mix...you got it. Robert Palmer, sort of a poor-man's Bryan Ferry, should have known better. And he did, leaving the group shortly before it toured.

Sometimes When We Touch - Dan Hill, 1977
Yuck...choke on this reply, Danny boy. Am I delirious or was there another version of this song that was popular recently?

America - Neil Diamond, 1980
How can you misstep so badly with such lofty goals? No one knows, not even the chair. Almost single-handedly gave patriotism a bad name. The only thing worse than the song was the movie it came from.

Sex (I'm a...) - Berlin, 1982
Not much commentary needed here. The ridiculous moaning at the end of this gem is unintentionally hilarious. Why anyone over the age of 14 liked this song is a mystery.

Benny and the Jets - Elton John, 1973
Goodbye Yellow Brick Road was chock full of memorable, catchy 70s guitar pop songs. This song was not one of them.

[dirtbiker]

Here's another one to ponder: "Me and You and a Dog Named Boo".....

[balrog666]

Oh, my god! I'm getting brain lock after reading all this!

[My2Cents]

Yuck! LOL...

[My2Cents]

"you didn't expect me to be sexy, did you?"

He should have thrown her his underwear.

[mlmr]

Lennon's IMAGINE is not on this list, therefore the list is invalid!!


OZ has spoken!

[solitas]

Blender, a heretofore little-known music magazine, has garnered a boatload of attention this week with its list of really bad rock-era tunes.

Worst...Magazine...Ever. As for the songs: everyone has their own favorites which bring back memories upon hearing them - so personal opinions don't matter. BUT, to get in the spirit of it all, my contributions to the 'worsts':

"Abraham, martin, and John" - though, to be fair, the song does have messages: don't go riding through Dallas with the top down, never ever shortcut through the kitchen, and have more premonitions and fewer dreams.

"Proud to be an American" DON'T FLAME ME - lyrics and sentiment: fine, commendable, am in total agreement with them. Delivery/scoring/ballad: yuccch. Lee - your mother lied: you sing like crap.

[mean lunch lady]

"They forgot Horse with No Name"

THANK YOU!!!

[mean lunch lady]

I think it's called "If You Wanna Be Happy for the Rest of Your Life"

[mean lunch lady]

Actually, "Why Don't We get Drunk and Screw" is a Jimmy Buffett song - I personally don't like it but he has done some other things there are great, like "The Last Mango in Paris" and "Gypsies in the Palace"

[mean lunch lady]

Re: "Hamster Love" that one is as bad as "The Cat's in The Kettle" about a Chinese restaurant. Sung to the tune of
"The Cat's in the Cradle" by what-his-name, Harry Chapin?