Songs so bad they're on a list all their own

Houston Chronicle ^ | April 20, 2004, 4:05PM | CLIFFORD PUGH

[Houmatt]

We're a nation of lists. Best dressed. Worst dressed. Fattest cities. Fittest cities. Hottest couples. Baddest break-ups. The greatest and worst movies, television shows, videos, DVDs and albums of all time.

Heck, VH1 has even compiled the "top 9 Jen's." Aniston, Lopez and Garner lead the list (guess they couldn't locate a 10th).

But no one has compiled the 50 worst songs ever -- until now.

Blender, a heretofore little-known music magazine, has garnered a boatload of attention this week with its list of really bad rock-era tunes. According to an advance copy of the article, which is in the May issue (on newsstands April 27), the selected songs have "crap-tastic" melodies, were wretchedly performed or make no sense whatsoever.

Or perhaps they simply evoked bad memories for the magazine's editors.

Who could truly despise the No. 1 song on their list -- Starship's We Built This City -- or No. 33, Aqua's Barbie Girl ("I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic!")?

OK, so maybe Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby, the Stevie Wonder/Paul McCartney duet Ebony and Ivory, Ricky Martin's She Bangs and Celine Dion's love theme from Titanic, My Heart Will Go On, deserve their rankings (Nos. 5, 10, 39 and 50, respectively).

But it's hard to take a list seriously that includes Simon & Garfunkel's Sounds of Silence (No. 42), REM's Shiny Happy People (No. 35) and the Beatles' Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da (No. 48) -- but excludes the Macarena.

And what, no Barry Manilow?

Check out the full list and see if you agree with any of the choices.

And if you're really a glutton for punishment, tune in on May 12 to hear the VH1 special, The 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever.

Blender Magazine's list of the 50 Worst Songs Ever:

1. We Built This City ... Starship ... 1985

2. Achy Breaky Heart ... Billy Ray Cyrus ... 1992

3. Everybody Have Fun Tonight ... Wang Chung ... 1986

4. Rollin' ... Limp Bizkit ... 2000

5. Ice Ice Baby ... Vanilla Ice ... 1990

6. The Heart of Rock & Roll ... Huey Lewis and the News ... 1984

7. Don't Worry, Be Happy ... Bobby McFerrin ... 1988

8. Party All the Time ... Eddie Murphy ... 1985

9. American Life ... Madonna ... 2003

10. Ebony and Ivory ... Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder ... 1982

11. Invisible ... Clay Aiken ... 2003

12. Kokomo ... The Beach Boys ... 1988

13. Illegal Alien ... Genesis ... 1983

14. From a Distance ... Bette Midler ... 1990

15. I'll Be There for You ... The Rembrandts ... 1995

16. What's Up? ... 4 Non Blondes ... 1993

17. Pumps and a Bump ... Hammer ... 1994

18. You're the Inspiration ... Chicago ... 1984

19. Broken Wings ... Mr. Mister ... 1985

20. Dancing on the Ceiling ... Lionel Richie ... 1986

21. Two Princes ... Spin Doctors ... 1992

22. Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American) ... Toby Keith ... 2002

23. Sunglasses at Night ... Corey Hart ... 1984

24. Five for Fighting ... Superman ... 2000

25. I'll Be Missing You ... Puff Daddy featuring Faith Evans and 112 ... 1997

26. The End ... The Doors ... 1967

27. The Final Countdown ... Europe ... 1987

28. Your Body Is a Wonderland ... John Mayer ... 2001

29. Breakfast at Tiffany's ... Deep Blue Something ... 1995

30. Greatest Love of All ... Whitney Houston ... 1986

31. Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm ... Crash Test Dummies ... 1994

32. Will 2K ... Will Smith ... 1999

33. Barbie Girl ... Aqua ... 1997

34. Longer ... Dan Fogelberg ... 1979

35. Shiny Happy People ... R.E.M. ... 1991

36. Make Em Say Uhh! ... Master P featuring Silkk, Fiend, Mia-X and Mystikal ... 1998

37. Rico Suave ... Gerardo ... 1991

38. Cotton Eyed Joe ... Rednex ... 1995

39. She Bangs ... Ricky Martin ... 2000

40. I Wanna Sex You Up ... Color Me Badd ... 1991

41. We Didn't Start the Fire ... Billy Joel ... 1989

42. The Sounds of Silence ... Simon & Garfunkel ... 1965

43. Follow Me ... Uncle Kracker ... 2000

44. I'll Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That) ... Meat Loaf ... 1993

45. Mesmerize ... Ja Rule featuring Ashanti ... 2002

46. Hangin' Tough ... New Kids on the Block ... 1989

47. The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You ... Bryan Adams ... 1996

48. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da ... The Beatles ... 1968

49. I'm Too Sexy ... Right Said Fred ... 1992

50. My Heart Will Go On ... Celine Dion ... 1998

[I still care]

How about "That's the night the Lights went out in Georgia"

[cardinal4]

And why isn't You're So Vain by Carly Simon not on the list?! After all, the song WAS about whoever she's singing about! (reportedly Warren Beatty)

I never knew who the song was about, but the backup vocals are sung by Mick Jagger.

And another bad song-Wuthering Heights, by Kate Bush. And who didnt gag when Leo Sayer sang "When I need I you.." (I think thats what that crime was called..)

[Welsh Rabbit]

Then there was that moronic song, I can't remember who did it now, but the title was "In the year 2525"

Darn you! I've only heard that song once, but I've been working very hard over the years to completely remove those two minutes of pure hell from my memory. Now the traumatic experience has been reawakened in my conscious mind, and I'll have to start therapy all over again...

[Rebelbase]

Aw, come on, "Send your camel to bed" is one of the greatest creative lyric lines ever. :-)

[GSWarrior]

Very bizarre......a song about murder, infidelity and other unsavory goings-on sung by a chirpy Vicki Lawrence.

[buccaneer81]

5. Chevy Van --- Don't know who it was by, but judging by the lyrics they were 20 going on 12

Sammy Johns was the artist in 1975. Geez, the 70s were wonderfully weird.

[bootless]

Reba did "Lights Went Out" better. Vicki was too chirpy.

Agree about the novelty songs.

[Ichneumon]

Where's "I Am Woman," by Helen Reddy?

For what it's worth, years ago a friend ended up getting dragged to a Helen Reddy performance by his wife, and sat in the front row. It turned out that Reddy was wearing a tight, slinky outfit, and a lot of the songs she was performing weren't militant songs like "I am Woman", but vampy numbers. She noticed my friend watching her, mesmerized, with his tongue hanging out, so after a particularly smoky number she leaned over and asked him (into the microphone), "you didn't expect me to be sexy, did you?"

He turned bright red, and just shook his head like the idiot he was.

[buccaneer81]

Don't forget "Bad Blood" by Neil Sadaka (sic)

Oh, yeah! Along with "Walking In The Rain".

[Siouxz]

What was that song about "I'm going to catch that horse if I can....and we'll be friends for life, she'll be just like a wife"? I think the horse ends up jumping off a mountain. Probably anything to get away from the freak singing the song LOL!

[Rebelbase]

This should help.

[GSWarrior]

I didn't know Reba covered it. I have a version of that song by Vic Chesnutt, a folk singer from Athens, GA. His version is very, very serious.

[Alas Babylon!]

I always thought the name of that song was, Midnight After I'm Wasted. Such a let down to learn the real title.

[Miss Marple]

Arrrgh! Another one from the same era as "Muskrat Love!"

"In The Year 2525 " was horrible!

I can remember those years...the rotation would be "In The Year 2525," then "Muskrat Love," and then "A Horse With No Name."

Very depressing.

[theophilusscribe]

"We Are The World" definitely should be on that list.

[GSWarrior]

The worst would be Sometimes When We Touch, an ode to the sensitive male.

[Miss Marple]

Oh, you reminde me of another seventies horror:

"I Honestly Love You" by Olivia Newton-John.

[dsc]

"Such a let down to learn the real title."

Heh.

I think it was Rick Derringer who had a song with the hook, "Lordy, mama, light my fuse."

I went over ten years thinking he was saying, "Lordy, mama, bite my shoe."

[My2Cents]

What's worse? Getting busted for drooling at Helen Reddy, or drooling at Helen Reddy?