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Chicago Bulls Offer To Reinstate Jayden Ivey If He Will Do Some Cocaine And Beat A Few Women
Babylon Bee ^ | 04/01/2026 | Babylon Bee

Posted on 04/01/2026 2:30:43 PM PDT by DFG

CHICAGO, IL β€” After releasing Jayden Ivey over his statements about the unrighteousness of Pride month, the Chicago Bulls have offered to reinstate Ivey on the team if he will agree to do some cocaine and beat a few women.

The Bulls stated that the amount of cocaine was flexible, but Ivey needed to be arrested for at least two counts of domestic violence in order to be let back onto the team.

"We have high expectations in Chicago, and we will not tolerate players who fail to live up to our culture," said Bulls General Manager Mark Eversley. "I have communicated loud and clear the work that Ivey needs to do if he wants a place on this team. He needs to get his nose down into a pile of cocaine, and start the lady-punching. If he's willing to put in that effort, then we can talk."

The Bulls have made clear that lighter drugs and non-violent crimes will not suffice for reinstatement. "Ivey had the gall to say that the NBA celebrating Pride month is an unrighteous thing to do. That's not what we at the Chicago Bulls are about," said Eversley. "Take a look around the league and see for yourself what we're about. I'll give you some help. It's cocaine and beating women. The proverbial ball is in your court, Jayden."

At publishing time, the Bulls had also asked Ivey to consider making out with LeBron James as an apology to the LGBT community.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; basketball; chicagobulls; jaydenivey; liberaltruth; nba; satire

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1 posted on 04/01/2026 2:30:43 PM PDT by DFG
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To: DFG

Love The Bee.


2 posted on 04/01/2026 2:32:07 PM PDT by Jane Long (Jesus is Lord!)
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To: Jane Long

In medieval times, only jesters were allowed to speak the truth to power. On all-fools day, the Bee nails it.


3 posted on 04/01/2026 2:35:03 PM PDT by fhayek
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To: DFG

bttt


4 posted on 04/01/2026 2:40:29 PM PDT by BenLurkin (The above is not a statement of fact. It is opinion or satire. Or both.)
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To: DFG

That would qualify him to play in the

National
Felons
League

as well.


5 posted on 04/01/2026 3:28:45 PM PDT by V_TWIN (America....so great even the people that hate it won't leave)
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To: DFG

If he’d been Muslim would he have been treated the same.


6 posted on 04/01/2026 3:35:21 PM PDT by rey
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To: DFG

Doing drugs and beating women are requirements for NBA players.


7 posted on 04/01/2026 3:44:23 PM PDT by Enterprise (These people have no honor, no belief, no poetry, no art, no humor, no patriotism.)
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To: DFG
...and give him a bonus if he also runs a dog-fighting ring.

"Paging Mr. Michael Vick. Mr. Michael Vick to the courtesy desk, please."



8 posted on 04/01/2026 4:07:03 PM PDT by T.B. Yoits
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To: DFG

Love it...Thank you, Babylon Bee!!


9 posted on 04/01/2026 6:20:03 PM PDT by DeplorableTrumpSupporter (FKA ConservaTeen)
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To: DFG

LOL! True!


10 posted on 04/01/2026 7:18:32 PM PDT by Rummyfan (Ok In anyq war between the civilized man and the savage, support lthe civilized man.πŸ‘¨ so t tv)
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To: DFG
The Bulls stated that the amount of cocaine was flexible, but Ivey needed to be arrested for at least two counts of domestic violence in order to be let back onto the team.

LOL!

11 posted on 04/01/2026 7:20:14 PM PDT by Rummyfan (Ok In anyq war between the civilized man and the savage, support lthe civilized man.πŸ‘¨ so t tv)
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