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Governor Explains How More Taxes Aid Affordability [semi-satire]
Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 February 2026 | John Semmens

Posted on 02/03/2026 9:48:21 AM PST by John Semmens

Gov. Abigail Spanberger (D-Va) ran on a platform of making Virginia more affordable. Now she and the expanded Democrat majority in the legislature are set on imposing new taxes on dog walking and grooming, guns and ammunition, storage facilities, dry cleaning, home repairs, electric leaf blowers and electric landscaping equipment, and creating some new income tax brackets.

The Governor admitted that "these new taxes seem like they will raise the cost of living for the folks that spend money on these items. However, none of the things we're putting new taxes on are necessities. No one needs to own a dog, much less have it walked or groomed by a professional. I say either walk and groom your dog yourself, or better still, get rid of it. You'll save tons by not having another mouth to feed--a similar benefit you'd get by aborting rather than birthing your next child."

"No private citizen needs to own a gun," she added. "The Supreme Court ruled that we can't outlaw guns, but we can deter them by making it more expensive to buy them and their ammunition. Fewer Virginians will choose to own guns because they can't afford them. The money they save from not buying them could be spent on something else or simply given away to a homeless person who needs it more than you do."

"Why rent storage space when you can easily get rid of the frivolous stuff you have accumulated throughout your lifetime?" she asked. "You might even be able to move to a smaller apartment and lower your rent. We're just trying to stimulate folks to select lower cost lifestyles that will be both more affordable and provide the government with more revenue to invest in bringing the warmth of collectivism to more people in our state."


TOPICS: Business/Economy; Government; Humor; Politics
KEYWORDS: collectivism; gettingitgoodandhard; guns; herlipsaremoving; professionalliar; satire; spanberger; youvotedforherlol

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1 posted on 02/03/2026 9:48:21 AM PST by John Semmens
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To: John Semmens

This is the kind of attitude that led the Founding Fathers to break free of the crown of England.


2 posted on 02/03/2026 9:51:35 AM PST by No name given ( Anonymous is who you’ll know me as )
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To: John Semmens

Abigail Spanberger: Small Business Killer Extraordinaire.


3 posted on 02/03/2026 9:54:01 AM PST by Apparatchik (Русские свиньи, идите домой)
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To: John Semmens

Essentially, the same argument that Obama made when he claimed that higher gasoline prices would save money since the more expensive gasoline would force you to buy less gasoline.


4 posted on 02/03/2026 9:55:14 AM PST by DugwayDuke (Most pick the expert who says the things they agree with.)
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To: John Semmens

Sort of like a tax on tea 250 years ago. How’d that work out?


5 posted on 02/03/2026 9:56:39 AM PST by llevrok (“'Remember when' is the lowest form of conversation.” - Tony Soprano)
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To: John Semmens

“Politicians say, ‘More taxes, will solve everything!’.........and the band played on!”


6 posted on 02/03/2026 9:58:57 AM PST by dfwgator ("I am Charlie Kirk!")
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To: John Semmens
However, none of the things we're putting new taxes on are necessities.

Well that's might white of her. I guess it's ok then. It's not like they are taxing air. Although if you look close enough, I bet there may be an increased water FEE.

7 posted on 02/03/2026 10:06:35 AM PST by Kudsman (47 is making things right again. )
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To: dfwgator
When prices shot up, the libs claimed it was price gouging by corporations. But with private companies, I have the ability to shop around, or to choose not to buy their products. With taxes, though, no such choice exists. And they can throw me in jail if I don't cough up the money. Why don't we call that gouging?
8 posted on 02/03/2026 10:08:38 AM PST by fhayek
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To: John Semmens

OKay you Virginians. Cough up the guns. Your mommy, Little Abbie Spamburger wants them. Use your gun money to pay more taxes and to buy smokes for the homeless.


9 posted on 02/03/2026 10:12:47 AM PST by FlingWingFlyer (Cheech Frey and his sidekick, Timmy Chong have turned Minniesomalia into a Cheech & Chong movie.)
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To: John Semmens

This is VERY true. All you Freepers need to put your money in a big pot in which I can pull all the money I need to pay all my bills. Call it a fairness and equality benefits fee.


10 posted on 02/03/2026 10:14:42 AM PST by Organic Panic ('Was I molested. I think so' - Ashley Biden in response to her father joining her in the shower)
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To: John Semmens

Example #1,000,001 of elections have consequences. The Dems are going to wipe out any gains made under Younkin and turn it into California on the Potomac.


11 posted on 02/03/2026 10:16:17 AM PST by Opinionated Blowhard (When the people find that they can vote themselves money, that will herald the end of the republic.)
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To: No name given
Stamp Act of 1765

...

For example, the tax on a pair of dice was half a pound. With an over 200x inflation rate since then, that's over £100 tax for them now.

12 posted on 02/03/2026 10:16:19 AM PST by KarlInOhio (Pam Bondi is the George McClellan of attorneys general.)
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To: John Semmens

I am so glad I no longer live in Virginia. It was unbearable four years ago. It is Hell on Earth now.


13 posted on 02/03/2026 10:19:29 AM PST by Whatever Works
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To: No name given

She ran as common sense moderate when she was nothing but leftist rat like all the others. The idiots bought it and now they are getting it good and hard.


14 posted on 02/03/2026 10:21:52 AM PST by gibsonguy
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To: Whatever Works

In the future, may the people who voted for Demonicrat Abigail Spanberger have their children spit on their graves.


15 posted on 02/03/2026 10:22:07 AM PST by Carl Vehse
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To: John Semmens

Elections matter.


16 posted on 02/03/2026 10:42:47 AM PST by Midwesterner53
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To: John Semmens

I BOUGHT MY FIRST HOUSE IN 1966.

I HAVE PROBABLY HAD 13-16 DOGS SINCE IN 2 MORE PROPERTIES.

THEY ARE BEYOND USEFUL AS GUARD ANIMALS.

THIS GOV CAN STHU


17 posted on 02/03/2026 10:46:24 AM PST by ridesthemiles (not giving up on TRUMP---EVER)
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To: Carl Vehse

“… may the people who voted for Demonicrat Abigail Spanberger have their children spit on their graves.”

Likely most of those children will be leftists too. Instead if spitting on their parents’ graves, they’ll be spitting on teachers, congregants, police and decent Americans.


18 posted on 02/03/2026 10:47:23 AM PST by KingLudd
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To: John Semmens

Virginia’s CIA Governor, to go with the CIA Senator.


19 posted on 02/03/2026 10:49:57 AM PST by PGR88
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To: Kudsman

“Well that’s might white of her.” Yes, and that is not even a remotely racist remark. She just has no blood in her veins. She is the ice queen.


20 posted on 02/03/2026 11:01:40 AM PST by Belteshazzar
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