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Biden To Make Statement Via Ouija Board
Babylon Bee ^ | 07/22/2024 | Babylon Bee

Posted on 07/22/2024 11:20:26 AM PDT by DFG

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to questions that arose from his supposedly resigning from the race and going missing for several days, the White House revealed that Joe Biden would make an official statement today via Ouija board.

"Starting today, the president will answer all questions from the Great Beyond," said black and gay White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is gay and black. "This is in no way meant to suggest the President is dead or anything. He's totally alive. I just saw him a few minutes ago, I promise."

The administration made the announcement in an effort to calm the controversy that swept through the nation's capital and throughout the country after Biden posted a letter on social media notifying everyone that he was stepping down from the race. Staffers hoped allowing the President to communicate with the media through the paranormal board game would ease any lingering uncertainty about his current whereabouts and condition.

The White House clarified that a translator would also be on hand to interpret anything Biden said via the Ouija board due to the likelihood that it would be unintelligible.

At publishing time, insiders were also planning a séance to be held later in the week to clear up any lingering questions left over from the Oujia board press conference.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; biden; kjp; ouijaboard; oujia; whitehouse
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1 posted on 07/22/2024 11:20:26 AM PDT by DFG
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To: DFG

t - h - e - d - e - v - i - l - i - s - a - d - o - g - f - a - c - e - p - o - n - GOODBYE


2 posted on 07/22/2024 11:22:57 AM PDT by z3n (Kakistocracy)
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To: DFG

Oh, so he’s going to be like Captain Howdy?


3 posted on 07/22/2024 11:23:32 AM PDT by OttawaFreeper ("The Gardens was founded by men-sportsmen-who fought for their country" Conn Smythe, 1966 )
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To: z3n

I think we’ll never see him again.


4 posted on 07/22/2024 11:23:35 AM PDT by stanne
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To: DFG

His ghost is busy haunting the houses of all the Democrats who stabbed him in the back.


5 posted on 07/22/2024 11:24:06 AM PDT by cgbg ("Our democracy" = Their Kleptocracy)
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To: DFG

Magic 8-Ball will be consulted for important policy decisions.


6 posted on 07/22/2024 11:25:52 AM PDT by SpaceBar
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To: DFG

Well, you want unimpeachable sources, you got unimpeachable sources...


7 posted on 07/22/2024 11:26:53 AM PDT by Billthedrill
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To: cgbg

I am certain that the real father (John 8:44)
of Manchurian Candidate Barack Hussein Obama
would speak through an Ouija Board


8 posted on 07/22/2024 11:27:06 AM PDT by SaveFerris (Luke 17:28 ... as it was in the days of Lot; they did eat, they drank, they bought, they sold ......)
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To: stanne

He’s dead.


9 posted on 07/22/2024 11:27:46 AM PDT by Indy Pendance (Jesus can't get here soon enough!)
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To: DFG

KJP: "Mr. President, are you with us?"


10 posted on 07/22/2024 11:28:44 AM PDT by COBOL2Java (The country bounces along like Custer on the way to Little Big Horn, thanks to Dear Leader)
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To: DFG

The Babylon Bee really does capture succinctly how stupid a world we live in.

Im reading non satire news now where people are starting to say Biden possible is no longer with us.


11 posted on 07/22/2024 11:28:58 AM PDT by suasponte137
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To: DFG

As for Kamalas VP pick, many names are discussed.

However, no one has mentioned her mentor and spiritual guide......yes.......she should immediately announce that Willie Brown will be her Vice President, and that she will kneed him every day.


12 posted on 07/22/2024 11:39:56 AM PDT by Ronaldus Magnus III (Do, or do not, there is no try)
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To: DFG

Biden’s letter announcing that he is dropping out of the race is classic Russian disinformation! I appeared on X, the platform of acknowledged Trump supporter Elon Musk!

Biden must be released from house arrest! He may have already died from so-called “Covid-related complications.” He must be allowed to speak out on live TV. I have it on good authority that he is the “best Biden ever” and “FU if you think otherwise.” Biden 2024!


13 posted on 07/22/2024 11:44:58 AM PDT by ChessExpert (Scarborough: "This is the Best Biden ever.")
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To: stanne

I do wonder if they have killed biden.

They did try to kill Trump.

Whatever the deep state needs, the deep state is willing to do ANYTHING, as demonstrated by Russia, Russia, Russia!


14 posted on 07/22/2024 11:48:36 AM PDT by Uncle Miltie (Israel, in order: https://freerepublic.com/tag/unclemiltieadventure/index)
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To: stanne

If we do, those appearances will always be filmed from behind and no frontal pictures


15 posted on 07/22/2024 11:51:47 AM PDT by shotgun
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To: ChessExpert
It appeared on X...

I know, huh? Since when is the thing formerly known as Twitter an official government channel? This ain't normal folks.
16 posted on 07/22/2024 11:53:02 AM PDT by SpaceBar
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To: DFG

No one gives me as many genuine LOLs as the Bee.

Anyway, it’s incredibly strange that a President would not appear on TV to make such a major announcement.


17 posted on 07/22/2024 11:58:39 AM PDT by Restless
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To: DFG

I need a new keyboard...


18 posted on 07/22/2024 12:06:17 PM PDT by Organic Panic (SDemocrats. Memories as short as Joe Biden's eyes)
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To: DFG

I would so love to be at the Bee where they come up with these ideas. It’s got to be a great job!


19 posted on 07/22/2024 12:10:37 PM PDT by freebird5850 (The only way I can treat this fever....More cowbell!)
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To: SpaceBar

The campaign isn’t the government. They can’t use government communications tools.

Just sayin’


20 posted on 07/22/2024 12:11:19 PM PDT by Vermont Lt (Don’t vote for anyone over 70 years old. Get rid of the geriatric politicians.)
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