Posted on 07/22/2024 11:20:26 AM PDT by DFG
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to questions that arose from his supposedly resigning from the race and going missing for several days, the White House revealed that Joe Biden would make an official statement today via Ouija board.
"Starting today, the president will answer all questions from the Great Beyond," said black and gay White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is gay and black. "This is in no way meant to suggest the President is dead or anything. He's totally alive. I just saw him a few minutes ago, I promise."
The administration made the announcement in an effort to calm the controversy that swept through the nation's capital and throughout the country after Biden posted a letter on social media notifying everyone that he was stepping down from the race. Staffers hoped allowing the President to communicate with the media through the paranormal board game would ease any lingering uncertainty about his current whereabouts and condition.
The White House clarified that a translator would also be on hand to interpret anything Biden said via the Ouija board due to the likelihood that it would be unintelligible.
At publishing time, insiders were also planning a séance to be held later in the week to clear up any lingering questions left over from the Oujia board press conference.
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t - h - e - d - e - v - i - l - i - s - a - d - o - g - f - a - c - e - p - o - n - GOODBYE
Oh, so he’s going to be like Captain Howdy?
I think we’ll never see him again.
His ghost is busy haunting the houses of all the Democrats who stabbed him in the back.
Magic 8-Ball will be consulted for important policy decisions.
Well, you want unimpeachable sources, you got unimpeachable sources...
I am certain that the real father (John 8:44)
of Manchurian Candidate Barack Hussein Obama
would speak through an Ouija Board
He’s dead.
The Babylon Bee really does capture succinctly how stupid a world we live in.
Im reading non satire news now where people are starting to say Biden possible is no longer with us.
As for Kamalas VP pick, many names are discussed.
However, no one has mentioned her mentor and spiritual guide......yes.......she should immediately announce that Willie Brown will be her Vice President, and that she will kneed him every day.
Biden’s letter announcing that he is dropping out of the race is classic Russian disinformation! I appeared on X, the platform of acknowledged Trump supporter Elon Musk!
Biden must be released from house arrest! He may have already died from so-called “Covid-related complications.” He must be allowed to speak out on live TV. I have it on good authority that he is the “best Biden ever” and “FU if you think otherwise.” Biden 2024!
I do wonder if they have killed biden.
They did try to kill Trump.
Whatever the deep state needs, the deep state is willing to do ANYTHING, as demonstrated by Russia, Russia, Russia!
If we do, those appearances will always be filmed from behind and no frontal pictures
No one gives me as many genuine LOLs as the Bee.
Anyway, it’s incredibly strange that a President would not appear on TV to make such a major announcement.
I need a new keyboard...
I would so love to be at the Bee where they come up with these ideas. It’s got to be a great job!
The campaign isn’t the government. They can’t use government communications tools.
Just sayin’
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