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Republican Party Implements Emergency Platform Change After Seeing How Close They Are To Winning Landslide Victory
Babylon Bee ^ | 07/09/2024 | Babylon Bee

Posted on 07/09/2024 2:31:47 PM PDT by DFG

U.S. — With campaigning for November's elections running at full speed and polls showing GOP candidates building sizeable leads, the Republican Party rushed to implement an emergency platform change after seeing how close they were to winning a landslide victory.

Struggles on the Democratic side of the ticket, including the growing scandal surrounding President Joe Biden's cognitive ability, led to Republicans gaining tremendous momentum in recent weeks, causing leaders to shift gears and push for changes to the GOP platform in hopes of avoiding any decisive wins in November.

"We were just getting way too close to winning big," said Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Whatley. "Some of these recent polls really got us spooked and concerned that we might actually run away with this thing, so we knew we had to take drastic steps to avoid steamrolling our competition. These changes to our platform should help frustrate, anger, and alienate enough of our loyal voters to make the races a lot closer."

The updated GOP platform included changes or outright omissions of longstanding Republican stances on abortion and traditional marriage, giving the party the negative reaction it was looking for from lifelong GOP voters. "Thankfully, there's been some good backlash," Whatley said. "With any luck, we'll see our leads start shrinking as we head into the home stretch of these campaigns. We don't want to do anything that might put us at risk of ensuring total victory."

At publishing time, Republican insiders revealed the party was also preparing to abandon other foundational values on issues like immigration, taxes, election security, and the 2nd Amendment to make sure they don't receive too many votes in November.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; election; gop; platform; republican; satire
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1 posted on 07/09/2024 2:31:47 PM PDT by DFG
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To: DFG

The MISTAKE was allowing the debate to take place so early. No excuse for that.


2 posted on 07/09/2024 2:33:23 PM PDT by BobL
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To: DFG

When did the Babylon Bee quit being a satire organization?


3 posted on 07/09/2024 2:33:46 PM PDT by The_Media_never_lie ( )
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To: DFG

Not a satire this time.


4 posted on 07/09/2024 2:33:51 PM PDT by Seruzawa ("The Political left is the Garden of Eden of incompetence" - Marx the Smarter (Groucho))
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To: DFG

“We were just getting way too close to winning big,”

.

WAY too close to the truth.

.


5 posted on 07/09/2024 2:35:32 PM PDT by TLI (ITINERIS IMPENDEO VALHALLA)
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To: The_Media_never_lie

When it hung it’s shingle.


6 posted on 07/09/2024 2:35:34 PM PDT by WeaslesRippedMyFlesh
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To: DFG

lol.


7 posted on 07/09/2024 2:36:18 PM PDT by dadfly
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To: DFG

like... “Oh Crap!... we are gonna win!!!... What do we do??? How do we once again snatch defeat from the jaws of victory???


8 posted on 07/09/2024 2:38:00 PM PDT by Safrguns
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To: DFG

FKG BEE!


9 posted on 07/09/2024 2:40:34 PM PDT by know.your.why
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To: The_Media_never_lie

I honestly saw this as an actual headline at first glance.


10 posted on 07/09/2024 2:41:35 PM PDT by fwdude ( )
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To: DFG

Yup...just let Lindsey Graham come out with a new abortion stance that he doesn’t even really mean. That should do the trick!


11 posted on 07/09/2024 2:43:47 PM PDT by woweeitsme
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To: DFG

Truer words...


12 posted on 07/09/2024 2:44:09 PM PDT by kiryandil (FR Democrat Party operatives! Rally in defense of your Colombian cartel stooge Merchan!)
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To: BobL

The MISTAKE was allowing the debate to take place so early.“

Many of us agree. Trump had leverage he could have negotiated a later date. He let build in an escape hatch. It’s done so no point bitching about it but you are right.


13 posted on 07/09/2024 2:45:19 PM PDT by gibsonguy
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To: BobL

The MISTAKE was allowing the debate to take place so early. No excuse for that.

******

Really?

You really believe that exposing Biden is a mistake.... Good God! How do we ever win anything with this mentality?

Without the debate the democrats wouldn’t be in their current pickle.


14 posted on 07/09/2024 2:49:16 PM PDT by unclebankster (Globalism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.)
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To: The_Media_never_lie
When did the Babylon Bee quit being a satire organization?

And it only took three posts for someone to say exactly what I was thinking.

15 posted on 07/09/2024 2:52:46 PM PDT by NurdlyPeon (It is the nature of liberals to pervert whatever they touch.)
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To: DFG

ABORTION IS A STATE ISSUE. Rol)ing back Roe v. Wade was part of rolling back the monster fedeal government.


16 posted on 07/09/2024 2:52:57 PM PDT by cowboyusa (YESHUA IS KING AMERICA, AND HE WILL HAVE NO OTHER GODS BEFORE HIM!)
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To: gibsonguy

“It’s done so no point bitching about it...”

Agree, but first I don’t agree with the Bee on this one - Trump has a proven record and has done as good a job on conservative issues, considering his main enemies (the Democrats, the Media, American ‘Education (think Barrett and Gorsuch, to some extent)’, and the Neocons). No need for giving the dems something more to hang around his neck.


17 posted on 07/09/2024 2:54:02 PM PDT by BobL
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To: unclebankster

“You really believe that exposing Biden is a mistake.... Good God!”

Did you read my post...completely, particularly the two words: “so early”?


18 posted on 07/09/2024 2:56:20 PM PDT by BobL
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To: gibsonguy

Many of us agree. Trump had leverage he could have negotiated a later date. He let build in an escape hatch. It’s done so no point bitching about it but you are right.

***************

Wrong.

If Trump doesn’t take the ‘tee’ they provided on June 27th, we don’t have the democrats in disarray narrative that is going on today.

I’m glad Trump doesn’t go to Free Republic for advice, this place is insufferable.


19 posted on 07/09/2024 2:56:52 PM PDT by unclebankster (Globalism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.)
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To: DFG

Looks are deceiving...


20 posted on 07/09/2024 2:59:33 PM PDT by dpetty121263
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