Posted on 11/08/2021 11:55:15 AM PST by Az Joe
Please excuse the personal nature of this story but I am getting very desperate and I thought there would be others on here that have dealt with a similar situation who might have advice/suggestions/etc
My son married this gal (SWMBO) 10 years ago. As time has gone on she has become more and more: Controlling, domineering, misandristic (hatred of men), you name the pathology.
Obviously, sad to admit, my son has completely lost his balls. He works hard and prefers to lay back and let her run roughshod over my 3 grandkids, me, him and whoever else might cross her path. SWMBO drops the 3 kids off at school in the morning and then does nothing until she goes and picks them up at the end of the day. She certainly doesn't clean the house or yard up. I think she plays computer games/watches TV all day. She doesn’t do much to keep up her physical appearance. My son comes home from work and takes the kids out to the park or community pool while she stays home. She does cook the meals. I watch the dogs on occasion for them while they’re up north a hundred miles to her mothers for several days. Once I found the kitchen in a horrible state of filth. Food on the floor, (chunks of it,) dishes piled in the sink and all over the counters two feet high. The children’s rooms a total disaster area. It was sickening. So I went to work and did what I could. But I felt heartbroken for my son, who works so hard to provide for his family.
SWMBO has become enraged with me a couple of times to the point, that at times, if I didn't walk away, I think she may have physically attacked me when I have simply ignored her and went about my business of visiting my son and my 3 grandkids. She tries to be extremely provocative in order to get me to respond and get myself in trouble. Fortunately I know women like her and remain calm.
Point out Her Faults,,,
as she Makes up things
About You.
.
It’s a slow Suicide.
.
I got a step son like this;
SWMBO.
.
Sociopath is what we Got.
My sister in…no,!that’s too kind. My brothers wife is like that. I’ve known her longer than my brother has and she has always hated me.
She has done a great job of training all of her offspring to hate every member of my family.
I just found out that one of them told my mom, her grandmother that she wasn’t being invited to her wedding.
Sadly we thought she was the most well adjusted.
“... once you start down that path you can’t go back and involvement of the state might lead to ramifications you haven’t anticipated.”
EXCELSIOR ADVICE!
Phoning a State Agency is like you playing the role of Wile E. Coyote leveraging a 20-ton boulder off the edge of a cliff. I don’t recall a single episode where that ended well for Wile E. Real Life is very similar. Sadly.
UNDERSTAND:
What we have in these United States is A LEGAL SYSTEM.
As such, the achievement of actual Justice is INCIDENTAL; NOT INTENTIONAL to the inner workings of the system.
You want Justice, be found earnestly in Christ the day Revelation 19:11 works out in shoe leather, ‘cuz you’ll have better luck peeling the stripes off a watermelon than getting it through the Courts.
“She tries to be extremely provocative in order to get me to respond and get myself in trouble.”
And another thought, I would be extremely careful about being alone with your grandkids, in fact I advise you to not be. She could manipulate the kids and get them to say something that could incriminate you. Be very, very careful.
This is why I’m still single. If the slightest thing sets my spidey sense off, NOPE!
There is nothing you can do about it, if he puts up with it, then all you are likely to do is futher be isolated from your son and grandchildren.
At most you can talk to your Son, but end of the day, its his life to lead. If he lets her walk all over him, there is little you can do, other than let him know he doesn’t have to take it...
However, for all you know, he may enjoy it... unless you have heard him say otherwise. Sounds to me, he’s use to dealing with abusive and less than dependable women in his life, since you admit his mother is an alcoholic, so this situation may be what he expects and desires.
Or could be since his mother was so absentee and useless, that he things any mother in their lives is better than none.
I won’t speak for your son, he can speak for himself. What does he have to say about the situation? All you can do is be there for your son and your grandchildren as best you can... eventually they will grow up and believe it or not, will see the light of day about their mother if she is indeed as bad as you say.... and will reach out to you.
My point, which I didn’t spell clearly - have a clear bottom line, which she knows and can’t argue with - welfare of the children.
Basis that, you can say, politely and firmly, but without argument, and in constructive manner, anything you feel necessary.
Is the kitchen filthy? Ask her if its hygenic for the children
Is she constantly angry? Advise that is not a good environment for well-adjusted children?
I am having a very hard time seeing how any intervention by a mother-in-law, no matter how calm, no matter how well meaning, can lead to a constructive outcome in this situation.
It sounds like it would explode into big time drama in a heartbeat.
Good advice. This situation has festered for a long time and it's clearly past speding time to try to find a solution or to change the interpersonal dynamic.
A session or three with a skilled counsellor may very well provide you with how best to deal with this for your benefit ... to protect yourself ... perhaps even develop an effective way for you to influence it (which may involve being on the sidelines and out of the action for a bit.)
Best of luck and Cheers!
Agreed,
A nightmare.
.
“Better to live on a corner of the Roof than with a
Contensious Woman.”
.
Psalms,,,,?
Okay, here is some tough love. She holds all the cards, if you want to see your grandchildren and have any kind of relationship with your son. It’s up to you to make amends.
She is your grandchildren’s mother and your sons wife. It doesn’t matter if she is crazy, dirty, lazy, mean, ect. She is who your son chose.
It also sounds like you are not completely innocent in this situation.
If I invited someone to my house and they purposely ignored me, that might be the last time they were invited back too.
I have been through this for years with my own in-laws. Although, I never stopped them from seeing the kids, I stopped them from coming to my house. My husband had to take the kids to them.
I told her until she can stop saying nasty things about me, my house, my job, my cooking, ect, she is not welcome anymore.
My husband also had a strict rule that she would not be allowed to say bad things about me, especially in front of my kids, or they would leave.
I didn’t see or talk to her for almost 5 years.
It was her that had to make the effort, and she did after her her husband died.
We actually have a decent relationship now, and that might not have happened if she didn’t apologize.
I’m sure she thought he would get rid of me too, but we have been married 28 years now.
In fact, he is the only one of her kids that didn’t get divorced. So, don’t count on her going anywhere.
Call Child Protective Services if you fear the children are living in a dangerous or harmful environment. If the house or kitchen is filthy, those are grounds for action.
Its a father-in-law. He's only doing it for the good of the grandchildren and his son. yes, he can simply cut himself off, which is the easy thing to do, but it sounds like he doesn't want to and was asking advice, assuming he wants to stay involved.
It is difficult to deal with psychopaths, but you do it through laying down a few acceptable operating principles, relating everything logically to that principle. Don't negotiate where the principles or fairness have been broken. propose "total honesty," from both sides, being calm at all times. Do not shout or argue. Do not display you are emotionally involved. Do not expect immediate results or reciprocity. Do not lie to them. Offer praise where deserved.
Thanks for the correction.
I have no problem with trying your approach, but I would be very surprised if it were successful, and would want to bail quickly if things got ugly.
Stories like this make me glad that all my daughters in law and son in law, grandchildren, and those great grandchildren that are over 11, are all fully armed deplorables...
She Who Must Be Obeyed. It is an abbreviation that was commonly used back in the early days of the interweb. The term "She Who Must Be Obeyed" was first used in the 1970s by the lead character in the British TV series Rumpole of the Bailey when referring to his wife. The term was based on the 1880s novel She.
I was wondering the same thing.
Reading all these sad posts makes me appreciate my wife even more.
She respects and is kind to everyone, but is nobody’s fool. She’s an excellent mother in all regards. She was especially kind to my parents and older relatives when we first married. My Dad had a difficult childhood and early adulthood, and was an inward man and a bit of a curmudgeon, but she slowly broke down his tough shell to the point where in his last decade of life, he loved and respected her as much as anyone, more than some of his children.
Oh. I was married to one of them for 34 years. She did everything she could to make me happy. I did everything I could to make her happy. Worked out real good.
First, she’s projecting onto you, the worst qualities of one or both men who messed up her childhood. So, she’s damaged and does not know how to restrain the evil — which, if not restrained, passes through us and goes, we know not where. We all need to learn to say, “Stop here,” to pain.
Especially when children are a part of the family. They’re emotionally defenseless. Your d-i-l was defenseless once.
Don’t sic the govt on her, this will only enrage her and the kids will be hurt more than she will.
Pray for her, as you should pray for your son and the children. Ignore her irrational attempts to “protect” the kids from you. She may be pouring poison in your son’s ear, saying things about you that are untrue, and eventually this will affect him. But she can’t stop you from seeing him, so spend some extra time with him. Don’t lose him to her image of you.
Your son could assert himself if he truly wanted to. So far, he doesn’t. He probably did a risk-benefit analysis and with more information than you have, he decided not to risk it.
Make sure that he still considers you a person he can turn to, if he ever does decide to take back control of his life.
Manipulative people often try to isolate a person, and will chew like rats at the bonds between their victim and his loved ones.
Say nothing against her to him, but maintain and strengthen the bond with him.
The kids will soon be rebelling, and until they do that you can’t help them directly. When they are fed up — they’ll probably be confused, miserable, troubled — and there’s almost no way you can prevent that. Kids with perfect parents can be just as afflicted. When they’re old enough to come to you, be a sounding board.
Right now, tread as carefully as a hostage negotiator. Do not antagonize her. She could be worse than you know. The situation could get far worse. Alienation is bad; she may be capable of atrocities, for all you know. Defer to your son on this, he knows her better than you do.
Pity her, pray, and bide your time. Be an example of sanity and patience to the children.
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