Posted on 06/27/2018 8:30:06 AM PDT by Oldpuppymax
Hat Tip: Alan Cooperman
Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" Birth of an engineer
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers #6
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don' t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #7
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
Engineering
Two engineering students were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One student shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both have since flunked out and are now serving in the U.S. Congress.
BS in computer science here. Not exactly an engineer, but can definitely nod in agreement to many of the engineer jokes. :)
That’s for damn sure. I’m past 70 years old and I still have that dream.
Im a 50 year old engineer and i STILL have that dream!
I still have a slide rule but it is from 1966 and is plastic.
I probably have the oldest calculator. I am pretty sure it was from 1974. It was a Sears but identical except for color to a Rockwell.
It has some scientific functions but the best thing is the beautiful green lcd display. It takes 4 AA batteries and they last a long time since I only use it to balance my checkbook.
Did I mention that beautiful large green lcd display?
The XKCD guy forgot the part about not wearing pants...
Three engineers were discussing God.
The civil engineer said God must be a civil engineer. I mean look at all of those arteries and blood vessels and capillaries that deliver nutrients and oxygen all over the body.
The mechanical engineer said God must be a mechanical engineer because of all the ways the body can move. Just look at athletes and dancers and what the human body can do.
The electrical engineer said obviously God is a civil engineer because only a civil engineer would put a waste disposal site and an amusement park in the same place!
When I took Geometry as a high school sophomore in 1969, I was given a slide rule and the CRC book on math formulas and algorithms, both donated by CRC. I think I still have the slide rule around someplace.
I no longer have my college slide rule (72-76). I’ve got my dad’s somewhere (62 maybe).
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.’”
The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
I used to have that dream but it was that it was final exam time and I could not find the classroom since I skipped all the class time.
My Physicist husband just sold his ‘60s slide rule on Ebay yesterday. He’d seen one that sold for $700 last week. He didn’t get quite that much.
A Baptist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are out fishing and start bragging about their kids.
The Baptist says I have 5 sons. I have my own basketball team.
The Catholic says that’s nothing. I have 11 sons so I have my own football team.
The Mormon says I have you both beat. I have 18 wives. I have my own golf course!
(I’m an engineer and a Mormon with 1 wife)
I have had the exact same dream many times.
LOL!!! Bullseye!
I love engineers, as a contractor electrician it’s great job security heh.
I pulled it out. Its a Sans & Streiffe No. 311. Gotta do a search on Sans & Streiffe. Hmmm got the original case too. Got me wunderin’. :<(((((
Sounds like Engineers suffer from “Post Traumatic Exam Syndrome”
I have a Sans & Streiffe binocular somewhere. It is a little bit above average as it has Bak4 prisms which were not as common back then. Probably dates from the 60s.
My husband’s slide rule is older than yours! And he has all of his old books (UC Berkeley and Northwestern U) which he presses on the grandchildren and casual students that he encounters. One of his math books he considers the finest ever written.
Regarding the cartoon — that really happened to him with an unexpected quiz. I believe he’d had the flu and had missed a class. He still got an A, much to his surprise.
Not an engineer...but in the last few months, I’ve been having a recurring dream about having had one or more classes (at least one of which is a math class, each time), and never having attended it. I’m 35 years out of college, and 31 out of grad school.
This SUCKS!! Can we NEVER get away from the trauma of school?
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