Posted on 08/02/2016 10:56:43 AM PDT by Scythian_Reborn
I've been married 25 years, I'm not going to go into the reasons but I just need to file for divorce, we have three kids, youngest is in high school. Love them more than I can say, to live in a different house than them is the most terrible thing I can imagine.
Already my heart is breaking just thinking about it but there's no saving this marriage. Have any of you been through such a thing? How did you cope with the loneliness. I am not a drinker and don't have a lot of friends.
Do any of you regret it terribly, I need to know ...
I have not been married. But all my male family members have been divorced and nearly all of my male friends and colleagues have been divorced. Most the wife initiated divorce.
My advice as a life long bachelor with zero interest in getting married who has witnessed divorce.
Stay fit. Join an out door adventure club. Travel. Don’t date another American woman if you can avoid it. Go to Poland or other former USSR state. Don’t bring alcohol home but go to brewpubs if you like beer. Bars are depressing on purpose but brewpubs are lively places. Try to remain on good terms with the ex wife. Prepare to REALLY downgrade your living expenses. You still get to pay for hers and if she’s going to be vindictive she’ll find a lawyer that will make sure you live in poverty. Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for battle. There are tons of men out there to reach out to and know exactly what you’re going through and they can provide friendship.
First: sorry for your situation. It is usually never an easy choice but it does happen. I do not know if you are the leaver or the leave-ee: that makes a difference.
The leaver has made some internal adjustments, has thought about it and has developed his rationales. The leave-ee usually is surprised.
I was in that place some 20 years ago. I can still recall it vividly, more so than that my wedding.
I embraced the loneliness...not always successfully but knew in the end, it was me who mattered. If you cannot be with yourself then no one else can be either. It takes time to re-emerge as a “you” after being a “we”.
Kids: my greatest disappointment was the hurt I caused my kids. Yeah, I could and did argue that they would be better off than their parents fighting all the time but it still hurt. I tried to be magnanimous and say they could stay with their mom for Christmas but it hurt and caused some really awkward years. Sometimes the younger they are the worse it is. Sometimes the older they are the worse it is. But always it remains: they did not ask for their situation.
I can only say that divorce was one of the great good things that happened to me. I never once regretted it, aside from the kids. I never once wished it were otherwise.
Hopefully you will find peace within yourself and be happy and satisfied.
Absolutely. It’s an adversarial proceeding.
Good move.,
Say what?
“Don’t date another American woman if you can avoid it.”
This is 100% spot on.
You will survive, for the kids.
Even when its for a good reason, divorces are a lose lose situation except when domestic violence is a part of the picture.
As a parent who divorced & then later met/married a divorced woman with children I can assure you the children suffer the most in a divorce. If there is ANY way you can salvage the marriage, PLEASE do so for the kids sake.
In any case, Peace be with you & your whole family.
Seriously the thought of Divorce and the process of Divorce are a nightmare. I’m different than most divorced guys I know.
I went eight years with a separation and when the last kid graduated from High School I filed. I had custody of the kids the whole time and I did my best not to bad mouth anyone.
The end result was a amicable divorce and we both went on our separate ways like we had been doing in the ‘separation’. It took lots of time and heartache to do. But my kids are doing fine now and so am I. The ex unfortunately is not, but that’s her story... not mine.
Long before Nowe!
Laughed at the end of it!
It’s worth It!
Try again to save it. Don’t give up. Forgive her and yourself. MIND YOUR TONGUE AND PIQUE AT HER ANGER AND ERROR.
It has been eight years for me since separation; four years since divorce. If I could get a do- over.....if I knew what I know now....I would do ANYTHING to be home again. I am miserable and lonely and full of regret. Pride and ambition are poison. The vows are for keeping....for your own good and prosperity.
Be ready to be destroyed. My friend had three great kids after 13 years of marriage. His wife would not stop her spending which finally totaled $100,000 in credit card debt. SHE sued for divorce because he was being “mean” to her. He lost everything, and I mean everything. Not only does she get rich child support, he has to pay all her legal expenses ($45,000) plus 1/2 of the $100,000 debt she racked up. He gets to see his kids every other weekend. He now lives in an old walk-up. He’s broke. He can’t concentrate on his work and keeps changing jobs. The female judge gave her everything she wanted plus saddling him with her debt and all legal expenses. He has no money for an appeal. He never did anything to deserve this. Beware.
I am sorry
I went through this, after 16 years married. You are receiving good advice here from FReepers. When you list all of your assets, be sure to include furniture. Sometimes inheritances are exempt from property split, so if either of you inherited something that was then put into joint property, it might be backed out or considered as belonging to the one who inherited. If you are able to defer receiving any money, such as reimbursed work expenses, etc., that might be a way to keep some cash coming your way later.
Two other items to consider are whether or not you are in a Community Property state, and what is the age of majority for children in your state. It is likely someone will pay child support to/through that age.
Depending on your financial circumstances, you might looking at temporarily suspending contributions to your HSA and/or 401(k), if it seems like either of those will be split 50-50.
Good luck to you. It is a very long process, and not at all easy, under the best circumstances.
The key that put me over the edge to move forward on it was my son, who was 8 at the time, had been presented with some lesson in school, which discussed “healthy families” and things that healthy families do. And he pointed out to me that ours was not doing those things. Then I knew, I had to act. Within a few days of that conversation, before I had actually seen a lawyer, the ex- missed an evening activity at the school, in order to go drink with his work buddies. Reinforced the decision, and my son was highly upset, told me he knew what was more important to dad. People might criticize, but hold your head high.
If no one wins, why go through with it?
Certainly can be worth it, depending on the situation.
You will be surprised at all the social and dating options that are out there after all this time. All you do is just have to take chances.
First of all DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE WHERE YOUR CHILDREN RESIDE! Don’t move out or you will be accused of abandoning the family and your claim to the house will be reduced.
Second, get a lawyer who specializes in representing men in divorces.
Third, remain calm and refuse to get into any arguments with your wife. Walk out and cool off for a while but do not argue with her.
Fourth, find a church and join it.
Finally, don’t go looking for another woman. That will only make things worse in the short term.
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