Posted on 09/05/2014 3:28:27 PM PDT by John Semmens
US Secretary of State John Kerry predicted that the Islamic State (also known as ISIS and ISIL) would be destroyed within three years. The means: "massive wrongful death lawsuits."
"These thugs might think they're cute filming the decapitation of their victims," Kerry said. "But by putting their torts on record they have opened themselves to legal liability that will cost them billions in damages."
"No country on Earth has better or more expensive lawyers than we do," the Secretary boasted. "With skills honed from decades of tormenting corporate defendants in the courtroom, the plaintiffs' bar will eviscerate ISIS's defenses and use their own words and videos against them. Financial ruin and public humiliation for these goons is just a matter of time."
Kerry invited observers "to compare our innovative and nuanced approach with the clumsy efforts of the Bush Administration's so-called 'war on terror.' In our plan, instead of putting US troops at risk, all the heavy lifting will be done by lawyers filing suits and attaching liens to every asset ISIS possesses."
According to Kerry, a side benefit of the Administration's strategy to sue ISIS into submission is that "it allows us to conserve our resources to fight the greater threat of global warming. The massacres perpetrated by ISIS are a mere pin prick compared to the devastation that climate change will wreak on the planet. If we do not prevail in this greater fight Foley and Sotloff will be remembered as the lucky ones."
ABC's Good Morning America, co-host George Stephanopoulos called this "sue the bastards" strategy "amazingly ingenious. It opens an arena of conflict at which this nation excels. The skills ISIS has nurtured in beheading captives, raping women, and killing children will be completely useless against the hordes of attorneys we can deploy against them. I think the Administration has once again turned the table on its critics."
if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...
http://www.freedomsphoenix.com/Opinion/162482-2014-09-05-semi-news-a-satire-of-recent-news-september-7-2014.htm
ping
AKA, by the next President, if there is one.
“Or we’ll die trying” he added. “By the way, did I ever tell you that I served in Vietnam?”
Three years, oh the last year of the Obama administration...
Good one John.
How many die in that three years?
Man, you are quick. I really hope you’re being paid what you deserve.
If anything, Justice will run interference for ISIS.
That shows me that Kerry knows NOTHING about these monsters. Their lives are ALREADY forfeited; they have nothing to lose. They are the WORST kind of people to deal with.
you can’t tell the satire from reality these days
What’s great about these satires is that they are barely satire, like Semmens says “Semi-satire”. I could absolutely believe someone like Kerry threatening ISIS with lawsuits.
I bet if ISIS attacks Israel, John Kerry would try to negotiate a peace between them.
Sad thing is, I can just hear John Kerry saying this!
ISIS isn't stupid. They are vicious, cruel and uncompromising but not stupid.
They are typical bullies who beat up on the defenseless...NEVER to go near those who will not only fight back but would whop the tar out of them.
I can so totally see that happening
Kerry another worthless politician...he has no idea how long these EVIL BASTARDS will take to be gotten rid of.
he has no more brains than the CIC, which is a total embarrassment, as he took a photo op trip to end the NATO Summit experience, and it was so funny that the caravan of cars were there ahead of him..he is so stupid it is laughable. who does he think he is fooling??? almost like Michelle, wig growing bangs..that makes me LOL just thinking of it...
But the wine was excellent...lol: a glass of Cava, followed by a couple of glasses of Texas Riesling.
I better slow down, as my 4 YO grandson will be here in an hour. Good thing his 12 YO uncle is ready for him.
The rising ocean levels will drown them.
Why does laughing have to hurt so bad?
It's of a piece with treating the beheading of Foley (and now Sotloff) as criminal events that merit investigation by the FBI. And, no satire, that's what our Administration has said it will do.
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