Posted on 10/05/2012 6:43:15 AM PDT by pabianice
In a startling development, the Federal Health and Human Services Department announced this morning that the average life expectancy of Americans has jumped to 98, a 29% increase since 1983.
HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, in an unscheduled news conference this morning, addressed a crowd of reporters and health professionals.
"We are proud to announce that as a result of President Obama's and First Lady Michelle's efforts over the past four years, the average life expectancy has risen 29%, to the age of 98. Programs to ban large soft drinks, force school children to eat arugala, close-down Chick-fil-A restaurants, and add a new healthcare premium for people who are overweight have paid off."
Questions from reporters about this figure being possible because young people who are out of work are no longer being counted in the population were not answered.
"We are embarking upon a promising new future," said Sebelius. "We expect the average age of Americans to rise to 120 with the expected reelection of President Obama."
Breaking...
Wow he’s so amazing!!! In just 4 years he did that!! 4 more years and I will be guaranteed to live to at least 130 years old!
We are not stupid !! As ridiculous as the unemployment report.
So, MSNBC, Obama has been in office since 1983? Because that’s when the last calculation you are referring to occurred.
This is ALL because of Obama who has been in office less than 10% of that time period. YOU EFFING LIARS! Why in the hell don’t you just go campaign on the effing stage with him you POSs!
OK. Almost got me.
yeah yeah, and the seas retreat, the world is at peace, and we all should be thankful for his existence......SNOT!
Uh... satire alert!
Tell that to the people in Chicago dying in record numbers . .
Praise ‘god’, we are all saved.......just in time for the election.
Perfect, LOL!
People actually aren’t living to 98, just voting (dem) till 98.
I initially thought this was not satire. These numbers would justify raising the SS age to 90 and further implementation of MO’s food nazi program. This is about as realistic as 7.8% unemployment.
this has to be true
Bullshit! Why don’t they say 100%. If you are going to lie—lie big.
Very good satire!!!
It’s not a parody if you cite a real source. That’s just deceit.
Have the oceans receded yet?
Uh! Deceptive title and cite! Even for B&P..
you know better.
Satire is tough with this administration. I swear alot of it could happen tommorow and I wouldnt be surprised.
No it wasn’t....
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.