Posted on 11/15/2011 10:02:56 AM PST by Kaslin
PJ Advice Columnist Belladonna Rogers on coping with the inevitable relative who turns up every year, preferring a debate to a drumstick.
Dear Belladonna Rogers,
Unlike last week’s advice-seeker, I have but one sibling. He’s 58, two years my junior. He hosts Thanksgiving dinner every year because our mother lives in a nursing home near him. He’s liberal and belligerently so.
If I want to see our mother at Thanksgiving — and I do — I have to drive 430 miles from Pasadena to Napa. During Thanksgiving dinner in 2009, my brother asked what I thought of Obama’s stimulus package. I knew we’d disagree bitterly, so I tried avoiding an answer. He persisted like a bulldog until I said I was against it. My wife and I gave specific, fact-based reasons we opposed it. He, his wife and grown children all piled onto my wife and me, trotting out all the liberal bromides against anyone who differs.
The following morning when we visited for breakfast, we were shocked to see he’d posted a new magnet, one that hadn’t been there the night before, front and center on his fridge door:
Both my wife and I took umbrage at such a hostile message intended as an obvious rebuke to our candid replies over dinner.
Thanksgiving 2010 he asked us about ObamaCare, and we calmly said we were against it, offering specific reasons for our opposition. The same pile-on recurred. Our mother has very high blood pressure, and she becomes visibly agitated when we argue. I don’t want to be any part of the cause of her fatal stroke, so I cleared the table, and was again confronted by the insulting fridge magnet. I was so offended I moved it to the far side of the fridge near the floor, and left not long afterward.
Our mother’s now 85, and in very fragile health, and I don’t want another pitched battle when my brother asks me which candidate I support. I can’t refuse to go because it means so much to our mother to be with both her sons.
What to do?
— Pissed in Pasadena
Dear Pissed,
Your brother’s behavior is deplorable. I’d be pissed, too.
In considering your options, imagine a speedometer from 30 to 80 mph, representing six potential approaches at increasing levels of confrontation as you pursue your goal of a politics-free Thanksgiving.
Just in case, though, I suggest arriving at your brother’s house with a few of your own favorite fridge magnets to leave behind as thoughtful gifts if, despite your efforts, your brother is unable to attain maturity by November 24.
Such trinkets are available here for $5 each. They’d be amulets in your pocket –protecting you from evil and providing you with a measure of cheerful confidence as you enter his house. Think of them as good luck charms. Cue Elvis…
For added holiday cheer, I’ve festooned this column with a few fridge magnets you may find comforting as you drive north:
Now for your approaches: starting at a leisurely 30 mph, email your brother that you’d like to talk on the phone before Thanksgiving. Tell him you’re looking forward to it but want to air your political differences beforehand to avoid another debate at the table. “It isn’t healthy for Mother, and it’s not so great for me, either. Let’s discuss whatever questions you have now, so we can keep politics off the table on Thanksgiving.”
If he fails to agree, kick it up a notch: “We’ve had two consecutive Thanksgiving dinners ruined by our political differences. You’ve seen how it upsets Mom when we bicker. For her sake, let’s get it over with now.”
50 mph: “I know you get off on goading me until I tell you what I think, but I’m not playing that game this year. I’m 60 years old, and I’m the one who has to drive 430 miles to be with you and Mom. It’s a pain to make so long a drive knowing the whole way that you’re determined to pick a fight with me.”
60 mph: “Life is short. Mom won’t live forever. Let’s agree to disagree, but not in her presence. I don’t like your politics any more than you like mine. But let’s give it a rest on Thanksgiving.”
70 mph: “These past two years you’ve picked fights with me at the table over politics. I’d rather visit Mom at the nursing home on my own and not see you at all if we can’t put our political differences aside for a two-hour meal.”
80 mph, and going for broke: “My wife and I drive almost 1,000 miles to be insulted by you and your family. Your boorish, intolerant behavior has been on full display the past two Thanksgivings. If you mention even one word about politics at the table, my wife and I will excuse ourselves politely, and won’t return. We’ll take Mom out to lunch the following day and enjoy some quiet time with her. I refuse to engage in your agenda again. You’ll have to find another conservative to bash. It won’t be as much fun as haranguing your older brother, but it will have to suffice. Maybe you’d drive that far for a pointless argument, but I won’t.”
It’s up to you how far you want to ratchet it up, but your goal is clear: to have your annual dispute over political differences before you make the drive, and out of your mother’s earshot.
I hope one — or, if absolutely necessary, all — of these approaches to your brother will result in a happier holiday for you, your wife, and your entire family.
— Belladonna Rogers
She drove 450 miles, was ganged up on, and treated deplorably. She was the entertainment for the ‘family’. If you want more of a behavior, you reward it. You cannot change people - you can only change how you interact with them.
I have no use for ‘families’ like that; I’d rather be an ‘orphan’ and happy. Who would want to sit down, in a hostile environment and “Pretend” they are enjoying themselves? I can think of infinite other places to be, and other things to do - that my spouse and I would actually enjoy.
Take Mom out for dinner somewhere nice, before or after the Dinner with the boor. Why put up with him?
I know people like that. Some are cool, and we just talk about sports instead. One or two just can’t be helped. So, I just avoid them entirely.
Contrary to the common phrase, you can choose your friends and you CAN choose your relatives.
A man who behaves like that, his house or not, is not truly a brother. He would be dead to me if he treated me and mine like that at a family function. I wouldn’t stand for that even for the sake of my mother.
It used to be that, in their younger days, baby boomer liberals always used to joke about the "crazy" uncle at the family gathering that would spout off about the greatness of America and how the commies are our enemies. The roles will soon be reversed, with the boomer libs being the ones mocked for their political views by the younger generations that see the damage done by liberal politicians in both parties.
I was thinking more along the lines of this:
“Like most liberals, you have your head firmly implanted in your ass. Since apparenly Mom gave all the brains in the family to me, you were left with that pile of drug addled mush in your skull you call a brain, so let me make this easy for you to understand:
F**K OFF!!”
1. Bring several large merengue pies for 'dessert'.
2. Wait for the jackass braying to begin.
3. Apply the pies vigorously and with enthusiasm to the visages of the brayers.
3. Calmly walk away, never to return or to communicate with them in any way.
In short - cut your losses and have fun doing it.
I bought a large home on a farm last year so the family came here for Thanksgiving. 22 of them anyways. We don’t argue politics. We have no Republicans in the family but we do have several conservatives and a few liberals. I am conservative, my brother is liberal. Mom was a hippy, Dad a 2 tour Vietnam Veteran.
Mom still wonders how in the heck she raised a conservative and Dad just tells her to leave me be, I’m the one kid she has with a lick of common sense.
No, we argue religion. Brother is also agnostic/atheist and the rest of us are very much believers in the Lord Jesus Christ.
Dad and Brother had a really “animated” argument last year about Jesus. Dad says to brother “If you’re so damned smart (brothers’ the only one of us with a college degree) why are you hellbound?
Brother says “I don’t believe in the tooth fairy or Santa either.
I told brother (since I came to Christ at 34) the very logical reason that I made this choice. He thinks I am an idiot.
Anyhow, we argue religion more than politics and I look forward to it.
One of my adult children has views that are more Libertarian, and less religious, than mine. We simply avoid some topics and enjoy everything else.
Even though we have them outnumbered there will be no talk of politics.
Will also be meeting up with a friend next week who is a staunch liberal. She thinks it is a great step forward for this country to have a black man elected president.
Her three republican sons cannot change her views so I don't try. After all she is 92 and has seen much more of life, including segregation, than I have.
Perhaps if Herman Cain gets the nomination I'll have one last go!
Family is family. I’d give them another chance: “Oh, I don’t want to talk about that - the argument last year made the visit unhappy for me. You’re my brother; I love you; let’s stay away from our differences.” You never deviate from that message, because giving them the answer to the political question is the reward that reinforces the behavior. The visit is a visit.
And put up in a hotel. Walk out and eat nursing home turkey with mom if you have to.
I’m hosting Thanksgiving and politics is banned this year.
I have discovered a great way to handle Liberals that are obnoxious...there are many at work.I refuse to argue or “debate” them or even try to respond rationally ( it doesn’t work, they don’t want a decent discussion or honest, open communication).
So I deflect the entire “discussion”
When they bring up Bush and start ranting, I respond with something like “ I just LOVE his Texas accent!” Then I smile broadly.
When they start tearing apart Palin, I say” She has such a GREAT body!” Then I smile broadly.
When they bring up Obamacare, I respond with “ You know I just had two crowns done, yes right up here, can you see, there’s one on the left, yeah and this one here, yeah, on the right. It took weeks to go back and get this whole thing done. And, well, now I will get my teeth whitened. Have you ever thought of getting your teeth professionally whitened?” Then I smile broadly.
When they talk about 2012, I start talking about the benefits of dark chocolate.
Its hard to argue or even get upset with someone who won’t take the bait and is so “stupid” that they would vote for Palin cause she’s so “pretty.”
I know people like that. You can’t win an argument with them using facts and logic, so why try? After they finish their diatribe, I just tell them, “You’re a f#*@ing idiot!”.
Last quote is incorrectly attributed to Winston Churchill - it was actully from Lord Acton
I know the feeling. For 12 years I was the punching bag at my former in-laws extended family gatherings. They were Western PA union steelworkers who called themselves Americans but made Michael Moore look like a patriot. I finally told my wife I was done going to the big family gatherings (not to her parents; they weren’t nearly as, not by a long shot) but that I’d stay at her folks’ house. You can imagine how that went over. Finally, I just stayed home in Columbus and told her to have a nice Thanksgiving in Pittsburgh.
You are more kind-hearted than I am. I treat my guests with honor, love and most of all - trust. I prepare the best that I know how to make, I do my best to make them feel welcome and at ease. I expect some effort to be made when I’m invited to travel and visit them.
I lived near Austin, my parents lived in nortern Arkansas. They invited me up to visit them on a holiday weekend, so I drove 12 hours to see them. We agreed to have me leave early (6am) so I could be there in time for an evening meal. I arrived tired, ready to eat - only to discover that they had decided to have dinner with the neighbors and a note asking me to wait for them to get back.
In short, it said that I was driving home; and that when I spend 12 hours driving to visit them (at their request), I have certain expectations. I went on to say that I would never, ever consider doing to them, what they did to me.
5 years later, we tried it again; this time things went well. It takes 2 people to have a dysfunctional relationship; one person to be a boor; the other to be a doormat that is willing to put up with abuse.
No you have to apply the pie with a twist. That’s what Moe would do.
I am sorry, I don’t want to discuss that right now. I am here to see our Mother....
I am sorry, I already said the topic was not up for discussion. Hey, have you seen that new movie,.....?
I am truly sorry, but this is now the third time you have tried to discuss that topic with me. If you persist in being so rude to a guest in your home, I guess we will just have to leave. We really only drove this whole way to visit Mom anyway.
You’re right. The twist really drives the point home.
I did leave out, “laugh hysterically as you head for the door.”
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