Posted on 06/14/2010 1:48:57 PM PDT by savedbygrace
A few days ago, my wife suddenly, without forewarning that I ever detected, told me she is leaving me. The details are not important, only that I recognize it was mostly my fault.
Our grown daughter is leaving home about the same time. Within three weeks, I will be alone, with only my Golden Retriever as a companion. I'm calling on God, and he is answering, but in this physical world, it's only my Golden.
Heartbroken, deeply wounded, ashamed. That's me.
I'm hoping to receive words of advice and counsel. I'm a born again, spirit filled Christian, so I'll respond more readily to Christian-based advice and counsel, but I'm ready to accept whatever you have for me. I'm needy.
This too will pass. If depression grabs you, get medical help. Stay busy. Stay active physically. Surround yourself with friends. Dinner dates and luncheons. Don’t let guilt drag you down. Don’t ask yourself what more could you have done - that’s a dead end. Don’t blame yourself. Find something to be thankful for every day. Tell God you are blessed. Tell Him everything. Read the Bible every night.
The ocean is full of other fish (not the Gulf of Mexico, mind you). Sounds to me like this is an opportunity for you to go fishing. Perhaps a few rounds of catch and release would be in order.
Same thing happened to me back in 1997. I did not see it coming after over 20 years of marriage. I cried for three solid days and thought my life was over.
The last 13 years have been the best years of my life. I met the woman of my dreams at my 25 year class reunion, 3 months after my ex dumped me. We’ve been married 12 years, and the honeymoon is not over.
My three daughters are who it impacted the most, and that sucks. They were 10 to 16 at the time. Now two of them are in a female fronted band with me and the third stops by once a week to visit with my wife while the rest of us are at rehearsal.
Bottom line - it gets better. And it can get a LOT better.
BTW, you said it was your fault. Without getting into details, it is always both parties fault to one degree or another, but that is not relevant. As a friend said to me about two decades ago: “I take responsibility for some of the problems in my marriage, but not the divorce. I didn’t do it.”
Everyone is loveable and hateable. When you marry someone you CHOOSE to be their life companion, mate, friend and generally be their ally. When you act badly you are just doing what people do from time to time. It is good to try to get better, ask forgiveness and mean it. When you divorce someone you violate an oath made to man and God.
In my case, at least, almost all of the people who knew me during the divorce and “took the other side” have come back and apologized for believing things about me that time has proven to be utterly false.
I’m sorry to hear about what is going on in your life. Find a friend you can confide in.
That being said, there are some things you need to do RIGHT NOW. Cancel all your joint accounts and cards. Remove any money from them. Close/ clean out safety deposit boxes. Any valuable personal property needs to be taken off site.
You will make it through this, but remember it’s not mostly your fault. It’s at least 1/2 her fault and you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get angry. Get good and angry and stop being a doormat. It allows her to have all the power in the situation.
Remember, you can be hurt and frustrated on your own time, but if you go around being Mr. Sorry Pants then you are going to get screwed in the end and you will be even worse off.
Good luck. If you want someone to talk with you can email me through the site and I’ll be happy to give you my #. You’re going to be OK, but you’re in for a rough ride. Hunker down and concentrate on getting out on the other end intact, not on your own hurt. It’s hard, I know. You are in my prayers.
I will get the names of books that have helped him. He hoped that if she saw a change in him (which has happened), she would not go through with the divorce, but it's not working out that way so far. Even so, he now knows how his actions and words caused this (blames himself entirely), and how to keep it from happening in the future. I will pray for you and will be in touch through our freeper email system. Seek help through a divorce ministry in your area--one that is especially for men, but a co-ed would help, too. You need a support group. God be with you--even if it is only by way of your Golden which has unconditional love for you, just as God does.
You already know the answer: cling to your Creator and Savior. He will grant you the peace that passes understanding.
My prayers are with you and the family.
I have a friend who is going through a very similar situation right now. He is heartbroken and a bit depressed. The only thing going for him is God.
This past weekend I was reminded of the most powerful tool we Christians have: Worship. Praise God through the storm, He will come through. He sends us trials because He loves us, and the reasons are known to Him.
Don't buy that. It's never mostly any one person's fault. You may have erred, but trust me, she also played a significant part. And, she is also making the choice to leave. That is no one else's fault but hers. Whatever you did, (even to the point of adultery) she has a choice to forgive and remain in the marriage, which is what the Lord desires.
Prayers up. God's grace be upon you. Be penitent, humble and open to His blessings.
Do not look forward in fear to the changes in life;
rather, look to them with full hope that as they arise,
God, whose very own you are,
will lead you safely through all things;
and when you cannot stand it,
God will carry you in His arms.
Do not fear what may happen tomorrow;
the same understanding Father who cares for
you today will take care of you then and every day.
He will either shield you from suffering
or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.
Be at peace,
and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.
Forgive her. Forgive yourself. Ask her to forgive you.
Ask the Lord to forgive you.
Done.
i am 55
divorced 6 years after a 17 year happy marriage
two long term relations since divorce
chinese gf left 7 weeks ago
i have had 35 dates in 7 weeks
and a bunch are really spectacular
go to match.com
and start looking today
don’t let other peoples problems become yours.
after all, you are not a victim or a democrat, so go find a young hottie and all you will not even be able to remember your ex’s name
I have been through a divorce and all I can suggest is seek out fellowship at a church. There are resources such as divorce recovery classes at many churches where you will find out that others are going through the same thing and help you with your pain.
I enrolled in such a class and got invited to a singles sunday class where I made a whole new group of friends who were all divorced. We had weekly activities and all kinds of things to do. I met my husband in that Sunday School class and we have been happily married for years.
Do not go through this alone. Go talk to your preacher and seek out like minded Christian singles. You can visit various churches until you find a group where you feel at home.
I hope this helps. My prayers are with you. God will heal your pain and put people in your life that will help. Lay your sorrow at his feet and He will guide you to the right places.
God speed to you. I will only remind that there are hundreds of millions who would thank God for the opportunity to remake themselves. Turn the table and make this into something beneficial for all involved. Blessings!
Heed Bill Cosby’s advice. “Don’t ever challenge ‘Worse’.” :)
I’m so sorry you are suffering. Go to church as often as possible and continue to ask God to lead you where He wants you to go.
get the best attorney you can afford (there is no such thing as an amicable divorce and being chivalrous will screw yourself in the long term)
Know there is no shame in temporarily relying on friends and wisely prescribed pharmaceuticals to get you through the short term (year or so)
you’ll come out OK.
But He will give you the strength to withstand the hurt.
Trust in Him and you'll make it through.
But remember: this is a time where faith will take an effort on your part.
I will say a prayer for you..
My marriage survived adultery. Forgiveness is the key. My prayer is that it is not too late for you both...
Stop caring what other people think about you and only care about what The Lord thinks about you. Become a fool for Christ: reconcile. Surround yourself with people who think likewise...
Prayers for you...
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