Posted on 07/07/2009 7:56:54 PM PDT by Gordon Greene
In a bid to stop the rapid warming of the Earth due to Global climate change, scientists have resorted to what some would call drastic measures. “A major contributing factor to Global Warming are the morbidly obese.” stated Dr. Saleem Winstone of the Cambridge Institute for Research and Findings (CIRF). “Everyone knows that America produces ten percent of the world’s food, yet we consume over ninety percent of the its bounty. This makes our nation almost criminally responsible for impending famine and the world-wide disaster." Dr. Saleem went on, "Through our research here at CIRF, we have reached the conclusion that if we were to eliminate the occurrence of overweight people in the United States alone, we could virtually remove the human factor from the Climate Change equation.” Dr. Winstone continued, “The question I and my colleagues faced is what would be the best way to accomplish this goal?”
When we caught up with James Thackert of Kanetown Maryland, he was a little more than optimistic. “What CIRF gave me was a new lease on life. They provide liposuction at weekly intervals, I get to eat what I want... and still attract babes!"
“It’s the best of both worlds.” claims Professor Stanley Mann, one of Dr. Winstone’s fellow scientists at CIRF. “The answer was always hanging right there behind us. We just had to get the right people together to make it happen. We give our otherwise unattractive, unexceptional, overweight subjects something they want, and they provide us with what we all need: a clean planet.”
The real breakthrough was discovered quite by accident. The CIRF team was at a loss as to what to do with the enormous amount of fat they were amassing. One night while the night janitor, Pedro San-Carlos Ramirez Sanchez Washington was taking out the day’s trash, he noticed something. “Man, there was a reely bad smell comin’ from a beeg drum next to the trash can. I couldn’ think of nothin’ to do with it so I thought, ‘Hey Pedro… why don’ you burn it?’” And so Pedro retrieved a dolly and wheeled the 50-gallon container out beside the dumpster. It was there he opened the top and set it ablaze. As the contents burned, he noticed something odd about the flames: they were amazingly clear and produced little smoke or residue. As he stood immersed in thought he was awakened by the ‘thump’ of a car door behind him. “What’s that in the can?” The voice belonged to Paul Crandall, the school staff’s shop mechanic. “I don’ know! But it shore makes a pretty fire, don’ it man?” Crandall asked where Washington acquired the drum. Early the next morning he contacted CIRF. Together with CIRF, Crandall worked to create one of the cleanest burning fuels known to mankind. “It is a miracle!” Said Dr. Winstone. “We sought to resolve Global Warming through one means, and through the miracle of science and by Allah, we receive this added blessing!”
Among CIRF’s celebrity donors are Rosie O’Donnell, Jennifer Lopez, Oprah Winfrey, Rosanne Barr, Meghan McCain, Oprah Winfrey, Oprah Winfrey (again), Reuben Studdard, and Michael Moore while Angelina Jolie donated a generous amount of collagen from her bottom lip.
Rotunda Bunsagger was again ignored in this study.....
Lack of funding?
Americans consume over 90% of the world’s bounty?!? Sounds impossible.
Can you please source this claim? Thanks.
Never mind. Found the source after I read a little more closely.
Dr. Saleem Winstone sounds like a loon.
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Sooooo, if America didn't grow any food we would be saints?
Do you suppose Algore and Michael Moore will go after each other with dueling propaganda fests? Naaaaaah.
““Everyone knows that America produces ten percent of the world’s food, yet we consume over ninety percent of the its bounty.”
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Running the numbers here, America produces as much food as the entire rest of the world.
We eat 90% of what we produce, and sell the last 10%, which is 10% of the total for the rest of the world.
BHO said this in Oregon during the campaign. He said we shouldn't expect to eat as much as we wanted to.
Does it sound any more believable than the rest of the article?
It’s all satire, my friend. Except the part about Angelina Jolie’s lips, that is.
It would be a hell of a waste anyways...
We all know Tyler Durden makes soap from the stuff...
Are you the only person to catch this was satire?
Please tell me we haven’t sunk so far this has become plausible.
Our farmers produce quite a darned lot as well, so much we are one of the top exporters of grain.
“I always read the full title (and the stuff between the parentheses) along with the keywords....”
Yeah... I’ve been tagged for not doing that before so I learned the hard way. Was Bunsagger on a movie or something? That one got a big laugh out of Mrs. Greene.
Rotunda was a fictional character/girlfriend that I created while working morning drive radio in the late ‘70’s....
So when can we expect the ‘snack tax’? Rush has been talking about this for years.
Well, it fooled me, but then, in typical fashion, I didn't read it all the way through.;o)
Parodies really need to be better classified or marked on FR. With all the insanity running the show these days, it’s just too difficult to distinguish made up absurdity from real life absurdity brought to us every day by real life idiots.
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