DUmmie FUnnies 06-21-08 (Perry Logan Tombstoned)

DUmmie FUnnies ^ | 06-21-2008 | DUmmie Perry Logan, DUmmies, and Paul Heinzman

[Paul Heinzman]

I am really excited. It's the weekend and I'm taking the smoker I received for Father's Day on it's maiden run with a five pound butt end of a picnic shoulder. But you know, that's going to take hours, so I'm going to need something to tide me over. I think I'll have some pizza.

Now, faithful readers of DUmmie FUnnies know that PJ Comix prefers those $1.50 DiGiorno pizzas, but I'm in the mood for a Tombstone with extra ham. To provide that, we have none other than DUmmie Perry Logan. Perry Logan, the Scorsese of screed, the Bogdanovich of bile, that combination of P.T. Anderson and P.T. Barnum, who was featured in THIS DUmmie FUnnies episode "Degenerates Hate Liberals."

What could Perry do to be tombstoned? Well, Perry was a devoted Hillary supporter, and while they had worn out their welcome on the DUmp months ago, Skinner tolerated longtime DUmmies in the interest of "impartiality" up to noon on June 11th, at which time he archived the General Discussion-Primaries forum and replaced it with General Discussion-Presidential. At that moment, DUmmies were expected to toe the party line and support Obama 100%.

Perry must've missed that memo, as you can see in this THREAD titled "Barack Obama Midterm Exam." So sit back, have a slice of Tombstone pizza with extra ham, as we read Perry's swan song in Bolshevik red, while the comments of your humble guest narrator, Paul Heinzman, is in the [brackets].

Barack Obama Midterm Exam

[Not midterm, Perry; this is your FINAL exam.]

Hi everybody. I've been away. I really missed the misogyny here.

[You missed the memo, Perry. As of noon on the 11th, there never was misogyny on DU.]

OBAMA PRE-NOMINATION QUIZ

[A quiz on FRIDAY! No fair!]

1. How many votes do you think Obama loses every time he opens his piehole?
a. ten thousand, with good editing
b. a million, if he ad libs
c. a bajillion, if prompter fails ("Uh ah oh er ah uh erg oh uh um...")
d. an infinite number, if Michelle chimes in.

[That's a tough one. Since there's no such number as a "bajillion," and even the Democrats can't come up with an infinite number of votes, I'm torn between "a" and "b."]

2. Obama's past relationships (Rezco, Rev. Wright, that awful church, those awful terrorists, etc.) indicate:
a. poor judgment
b. p*ss-poor judgment
c. there's somethin' happenin' here...
d. a pact with the Devil.

[I pick "d."]

3. Obama's performance in the polls--first against Hillary, now against John McCain--may best be characterized as:
a. a dying, f*rting, petering out sort of sound—like a Green Day song
b. worse than we'd have done with a cheese blintz
c. good reason to beg for Hillary's forgiveness
d. The Hindenberg.

[Mmmm...cheese blintz.]

4. Obama's campaign was brilliant, if they do say so themselves. The most brilliant ploy—so far—by this brilliant campaign was:
a. playing the race card
b. playing the misogyny card
c. playing the age card
d. playing the social-class card
e. playing the education card
f. playing the Muslim card
g. playing the Christian card
h. playing the radical leftist extremist unrepentant terrorist card
i. playing the Che Guevara card
j. playing the "90's-era smears against the Clintons" card
k. playing the "destroy credibility of progressive blogs" card
l. playing the "take your cue from the media" card
m. playing the "we hate America" card
n. playing the "we hate whitey card" (kidding!)
o. playing the clawing the eyes out card
p. playing the acting like thugs card
q. playing the death-threat card
r. playing the "spam your opponents' websites" card
s. gaming the caucuses
t. suborning the DNC
u. playing the "rehashing speeches by other people" card
v. emulating George McGovern (except that George McGovern is a cool guy)
w. jettisoning Wright
x. jettisoning his church
y. jettisoning (your name here)
z. new alphabet needed.

[Sounds like Obama's not playing with a full deck.]

5. Obama's admitted use of cocaine is:
a. not important—in fact, it helps with the whole vacuous hope thing
b. the sure sign of an excellent Presidential candidate (just look at George Bush)
c. not as important as an imaginary, similar allegation made against Hillary (which would be REALLY cool!)
d. a partial explanation for why Obama looks so sick and feeble.

[BUSH'S FAULT!]

6. How many minutes of Google searching and reading would it take a normal person to find out Obama is a fraud?
a. as long as it takes to flip your opponent the bird
b. 5 minutes--a small child might take a little longer
c. 30+ minutes--if you read all of "Operation Board Games"
d. after you wake up from one of those derivative speeches.

[I'll go with "b," but I'll have to find out what "Operation Board Games" is later.]

7. What do you think the Party Elders were thinking when they helped rig the nomination for The Worst Candidate Ever™?
a. Nothing. They have all gone mad.
b. Nothing much. They are all as dumb as posts.
c. They're incompetent for not vetting the guy.
d. They decided they've had it with this whole "Democratic Party" thing

[All the above.]

8. Any way you slice it, Larry Sinclair's juicy tale of sex and drugs and Obama:
a. is disputed only by liars and misogynists
b. is as true as Hillary's "Robert Kennedy assassination" threat against the Bamanator
c. is nothing that could possibly hurt anyone's campaign
d. lays to rest any statements that Obama lacks experience.

[Thanks to Hillary's hubby, I'm choosing "c."]

9. All kidding aside, does Obama look OK to you?
a. only if they prop him up
b. he looks just as feeble as McCain is supposed to
c. his bowling is definitely pathological
d. not when Michelle looks menacingly at him (just kidding).

[Skinner put all kidding aside at noon last Wednesday. And he will soon put you aside, too, Perry.]

10. It's exciting to see young people getting involved in politics, but
a. did they screw up or WHAT?
b. they should stick to writing crappy songs (they can write crappy songs about how they destroyed the Democratic Party their first time out!)
c. they should take ecstasy and watch "South Park." (I don't hate that show. Not really.)
d. I was just kidding about the songs. Young people have GOT to stop writing songs.

[Oh, definitely "a." Now to see how your fellow DUmmies react to having their summer break interrupted with a pop quiz at 6 a.m. on a Friday morning.]

Do you like pizza?

[With extra ham.]

Grave Dancing on a Friday!! Woo Hoo!!

[DUmmies gone wild.]

Perry Logan is committing suicide by moderator.

[The mods aren't awake yet. Perry's still got a few hours left.]

He's clearly looking to go out in a blaze of glory.

I'm thinking the end of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

[Perry's not that good a filmmaker.]

C'mon Perry, you're better than this.

[Have you seen his videos? He really isn't.]

Your test itself gets a zero - as no correct answers are available

[There are too many correct answers and no "all of the above" options.]
   
There is no misogyny here - it is entirely possible to be very pro-women and prefer Obama to HRC. Had HRC run in 2004, would it have been a man hating action to vote HRC over Bush, or would it simply be that someone doesn't like Bush.

[As of noon the 11th, there never was any misogyny on DU. No one called Hillary a whore, no one called Maddy McCall a bitch. It never happened.]

Clearly, a sleeper agent for the Republicans, from the get-go

[Yeah, right.]

So you broke out of the attic just to come get some pizza?

[That's FUnnie, I aways pictured Perry locked away in an attic.]

Those Posters Who Rec'd Should Get A Suspension

[And a kewpie doll.]

They should also TS everyone who recommended this spew of hatred.

[Calling the Thought Police.]

You're even a chickenshit; can't return to face the inevitable. Weak.

[I suspect the next we'll hear from Perry is one of his ridiculous YouTube rants, this time about DU.]

Locking.

Divisive. Flamebait.

[Here Lies A Disrupter. He Disrupted Poorly.]

[dfwddr]

Storms moved in about 7 hours into the cooking, so I’ve transferred it to the oven. Looks lovely; very moist.

Shoulda run for the house a little quicker.....

[dfwddr]

Nice looking ‘eyes....

Needs a little dry rub on ‘em though.

[PJ-Comix]

Now, faithful readers of DUmmie FUnnies know that PJ Comix prefers those $1.50 DiGiorno pizzas...

They upped the price to $2.00 but still a good deal. And RIGHT NOW I have a large DiGiorno pizza cooking in the oven.

[Poser]

“I’m really hoping this smoker works out.”

210 degrees F. 8-9 hours. It’s very easy to use too much smoke. Moderately load the smoke box two times. After that, just let it cook. It will be done when you can pull the meat with tongs.

If you have an injector, mix some rub with apple juice and a little vinegar. Inject that into the shoulder before starting.

[beckysueb]

Aside from the fact that Perry is bats—t crazy, he makes some excellent points. Just goes to show the DUmmies really know Obama is a poor candidate. They just choose to go into denial.

[hsalaw]

The DUmmies can review this exam again in November, to see where they went wrong.

[beckysueb]

If Obama loses, I think he will pull a Chavez and just refuse to give up. I think there is going to be major trouble. I am afraid he will try to seize the WH. I don’t see our spineless elected officials even trying to stop him. McCain will just give it to Obama “for the good of the country”. Just like Nixon didn’t fight when Kennedy stole the election in 1960.

[JRios1968]

Staying on topic, here's some ribeyes I grilled last week. They were VERY good!!!

I see you like your ribeyes VERy rare!

[Paul Heinzman]

Two bucks? Holy heck, I paid four a piece for Red Baron pizzas the other day. BTW, the first store I went to was selling pork butt for $5.56/lb. I’m crapping you negative. Just down the road, buck twenty-nine a pound, which is what you would expect to pay.

[PJ-Comix]

The absolute BEST way to cook meat is with La Caja China. You can PROFESSIONALLY cook an entire pig in it in just 3 hours and 40 minutes. An enclosed system with the charcoal tray OVER the meat. Uses both heat and pressure to cook. When pig is done it will taste as good as any Cuban style gourmet pork. You can find videos about this online. Al Roker highly recommended it.

[Paul Heinzman]

I just can't understand why the Hillary supporters are so upset. I don't see any difference between Hillary and Obama.

I think you hit the nail on the head, though. Obama is a poor candidate, and they are worried about that.

[Paul Heinzman]

They really look perfectly cooked to me. Chop them up, serve them with some capers, mustard, a raw egg yolk. I love steak tartare.

I'm about as far away from a vegetarian as you can get. I think bacon is a vegetable.

[JRios1968]

[Paul Heinzman]

I've looked into that, on your recommendation, and it does sound great. For now, my Brinkmann smoker is working great. The storms have passed, but I had to move the operation indoors to the oven.

It worked out fine--the meat had terrific bark, a great smoke ring, and tasted heavenly. Melt-in-your-mouth juicy. Wish I could share it with y'all.

Next weekend, I'm gonna do ribs. That's a little more challenging.

[PJ-Comix]

I only peeked once so far, and that was to give it a quick baste with some Carolina bbq sauce ...

NO! NO! NO! All wrong. NO bbq sauce!!! Go to LA CAJA CHINA and click on the video link next to where it says "Throwdown With Bobby Flay." Bobby Flay and Robert Guerra have a throwdown using La Caja China. And guess what each of them are cooking? PORK SHOULDER. You definitely need to watch this video on that site. However, I warn you. After watching how the pork shoulder is cooked in La Caja China, and the incredible results, you will feel incredibly inadequate.

BTW, I told my wife I will be buying her a La Caja China after she passes her X-Ray license exam. She came within three points of passing last time so I think she will do it this time. Oh, and you can also convert La Caja China into a smoker with a kit they sell on their site.

[Paul Heinzman]

NO! NO! NO! All wrong. NO bbq sauce!!!

Settle down, settle down. I don't think you know what barbecue sauce in North Carolina means. What it amounts to is vinegar and a a variety of chile powders. There is no tomato or sugar involved; it is a watery, spicy delicious seasoning.

I just finished a sandwich, with cole slaw on top. I had a lot of these sandwiches when I lived in North Carolina and this one would stand up against the best of them.

[Paul Heinzman]

Here's what I did and how it came out.

I bought the butt yesterday and I cut off the fat cap. I researched this and found that it was almost unanimous that for pork butt or picnic, you cut off the fat cap as it will resist the rub and the smoke, and only render away anyway. Plus, there's plenty of fat and connective tissue to keep it moist anyway.

I brined it overnight in a solution of a half gallon of water, a half cup of salt and a half cup of brown sugar.

I also made the Carolina sauce with a cup of white vinegar, a cup of malt vinegar, some salt, pepper, cayenne, and various savory seasonings.

This morning, while planning to roast Perry Logan, I started the coals and the smoking wood. As the smoker was heating, I removed the pork from the brining liquid, rinsed and dried it. I then slathered it with dijon mustard and rubbed it with equal parts of chile powder and brown sugar.

I then started to DUFU Perry Logan's demise until the smoker hit about 225 degrees. At that point, I put the meat in the smoker, came back in and roasted Perry.

About seven hours into cooking, storms moved in, so I put the pork into a pan, covered it with foil and finished it off in the oven at 325. I chopped it up, adding my Carolina BBQ sauce as needed.

It's amazing. This smoker works out very well, because it has top and bottom doors, so I can check on it without losing a lot of heat, and I can stir the coals and add water without the heat changing at all.

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot to mention, the sandwich tastes as good or better as what I used to get in Mount Airy.

[PJ-Comix]

Oh, I thought you meant the thick bbq sauce. Anyway, watch the video on that page above I posted. They do things with pork shoulder that are beyond belief.

[Paul Heinzman]

I will. I know that before I lived in North Carolina, I thought of the thick sauce, which is a great creation from the St. Louis/Kansas City area--Charles's stomping grounds.

My plan is to work my way west. I want to master pork butt; that's barbecue 101. I'll then move onto ribs, yes with the thick sugary sauce. Once that's mastered, I'm going to do foul, and experiment.

Eventually I will do brisket. That's pure Texas barbecue, and when you can do that well, you have arrived.

[KoRn]

"I see you like your ribeyes VERy rare!"

LOL! I neglected to get 'after' pics on those. I was cooking several other things and didn't think of it. =)