DUmmie FUnnies 02-21-05 ("Clueless about women, please help me out")

DUmmie FUnnies ^ | February 21, 2005 | DUmmies and PJ-Comix

[PJ-Comix]

I’ve always figured that most DUmmies were socially awkward rejects and this DUmmie THREAD titled, “Clueless about women, please help me out,” only confirms that view. What is truly frightening is that the way DUmmie steve2470 describes himself, it sounds like he is well over 30 years old. UNBELIEVABLE! This isn’t even some gawky 15 year old kid. It is a DUmmie in his 30s who still hasn’t got a clue how to act around women because he just went on his FIRST DATE. Just this description alone is making me laugh. So let us read on about the Socially Awkward DUmmie and the dating advice he received. As usual the socially maladjusted DUmmie comments are in Bolshevik Red and the commentary of your humble correspondent, thinking that DUmmie steve2470 would make an HILARIOUS guest on Jerry Springer, is in the [brackets]:

hi ladies,
I had a first date Friday night with a very beautiful and nice lady who I have known off and on for 15 years. I thought we had a very nice time. We went to a very chic restaurant in my town that is somewhat romantic and had a nice dinner. The conversation and dinner went on for about 3 hours. I left it up to her to let me know when she had to leave, since I was flexible. At about 10:15 PM, she said she needed to get home to her babysitter for her 4 and 5 year old sons. The babysitter was a first time person, a rookie with her kids.

[Get a clue, DUmmie steve2470. This woman is giving you the BRUSHOFF. Most likely she just wanted a freebie meal and since you are so socially awkward she gave you a mercy date. And speaking of rookies, did you ever….uh, never mind.]

When I escorted her out to the valet parking area, we chatted for a few minutes until her car came up. She then hugged me (with no prompting from me) and told me she would kiss me except she had a cold sore on her mouth. As she was walking to her car, I told her that I would call her and she said "I'd like that" or words to that effect. Bear in mind, this lady is pretty assertive and perfectly capable of telling me politely that this was the last date and that we could be friends.
I think I have a second date coming. Am I way off base ?

[ABSOLUTELY! Since you are a rookie with women I need to inform you that this story shows all the classic signs that you got shot down. Oh, and she found you so repugnant that she made up that cold sore story so you would feel happy about not catching herpes.]

sounds to me like you do unless she is into playing mind games.

[Believe me. She was playing mind games. She had to. This woman was probably too polite to tell DUmmie steve2470 that he absolutely REVOLTED her. Hey, when you are in your 30s and haven’t had a date yet, you KNOW there HAS to be something WRONG with this dude.]

call her!! How many days has it been (not that it matters)? But seriously, just call and ask her out again! We women HATE waiting...

[So why don’t YOU call Dummie steve 2470 and go out with him? Yeah, he will revolt you too but since you are both revolting DUmmies the mutual revulsion could cancel each other out.]

I called her tonight and left a very nice message...

[“Need sex NOW!!! PUHLEEEEAASE!!!”]

I didn't want to appear overeager, so I didn't call yesterday. She has to call me back now.

[Keep waiting. She is bound to call you by the end of the third decade of this century.]

I hope she calls back- it sounds like you had a fun time!

[I think the date began to go downhill the moment DUmmie steve 2470 asked his date if foreplay comes before or after sex.]

thank you so much....you folks are wonderful....I just can't stand not knowing LOL Oh well, life goes on..

[If life goes on, then you might consider removing your face from the outside of your ex-date’s bedroom window.]

You didn't ask for that second date via the machine did you?

[Maybe their answering machines could date each other.]

nooooooooooo............Just reiterated that I had a great time...and just asked her to call me back, that was it.

[I can almost sympathize with DUmmie steve2470, only in my case I am waiting for Jeff Kleinman of the Graybill and English Literacy Agency to call me up. Good luck DUmmie steve2470 but I think I’ll hear from Jeff Kleinman LONG before you ever get a callback from your ex-date.]

Today made 48 hours. 24 seemed too fast to me

[Give it another 48 million hours.]

Sounds like a good sign to me.

[Some woman gets out of kissing DUmmie steve2470 by giving him a bogus story about a cold sore and then doesn’t return his phone call. Yeah, a great sign. I once had a woman flat out slam a door in my face and I consider even that to be a more hopeful sign.]

I think you are in store for a 2nd date. Do you have any ideas on what to do for a 2nd date? Did she give you any clues as to what she likes to do?

[DUmmie steve2470 wants to hold a vigil in the snow outside John Kerry’s townhouse. His ex-date just want to avoid him.]

art museums and parks are good places. Places to walk and talk...plus if you get hungry or want coffee, you can easily modify plans.

[True story: I went out with a woman that drank way too much in a very annoying way (polite way of saying sloppy drunk). So I called my friend, Pete Demeo, who NEVER drinks and told him I had a hot date for him, RIGHT NOW. He came over and took the drunken woman off my hands. Next day I asked Pete what happened. He disgustedly told me that she asked him to buy her a case of beer. Then they went late at night near an airport where she climbed up a tree and Pete had to spend the entire night handing beer cans up to her as she tossed down one empty beer can after another. I won’t tell you what she also tossed down in liquid form to spare you the gruesome details. Oh, sorry for the brief digression… Let us now return to the romantic neophyte, Dummie steve2470.]

good ideas ! I will consider those and sound her out

[And keep in mind about modifying your plans so get a list of all the cheap motels in the area. However, with your track record, I think you will do no better than shacking up with a blowup doll.]

looks to me like you get a second date!!!

[I BELIEVE!!! And John Kerry WILL be inaugurated on Jan. 20.]

thanks Barb ! I'll censor it to be PG-13 LOL no, I'm sure it will be PG-13 because I really really like her and am not at all into the sexual thing at this moment.

[Let me guess. Paris Hilton is NOT currently in your Little Black Book.]

anyone who spends their precious time on me deserves a good summary, and that includes you

[Do what most guys do who DON’T score on their dates---LIE LIKE HELL.]

just keep a twinkle in your eye and keep feeling good about yourself ( and then just remember, DETAILS, lots of 'em)

[This advice from DUmmie barb162. Meanwhile the few guys who are deluded into dating her describe their dates thusly: “BAAAAAARRRFFFFF!!!”]

thanks ! Details no problem, I'm just trying not to be insecure or intimidated by her beauty. She is.... well...you know. She must like me because she can have her pick of men.

[SHEESH! You have just gone on your first date where you got shot down and already you are acting like Mr. Lothario about giving us the dirty details of your second date which WON’T be happening.]

well yes, she must. She wouldn't have spent that long with you if she didn't like you; she would have found a way to cut it short. I know what you mean about people who are really physically attractive...it is hard not to just keep staring at them

[Do you have some problem with your reading skills? Didn’t you read what DUmmie steve2470 wrote about his first date? She DID cut it short with that phony story about the cold sore. However, I know what you mean about very physically attractive chicks like Petra Verkaik. I would have a hard time to keep from staring at “them.”]

yeah I really had to watch my eyes on the date LOL I was nervous enough as it was. You folks are wonderful for this feedback. I've been thinking about her all weekend and a bit worried, as well.

[Congratulations on successfully averting your eyes. However, you might want to try working on not constantly grabbing your Pocket Rocket while out on a date.]

give her another call soon whether she calls you back or not. Things happen with a mom of young kids, like kids erase messages all the time.

[Or the mother erasing the memory of the date from her mind.]

yes good idea. I'm pretty sure she will call back soon, probably tomorrow some time. I went out on a limb and gave her my office phone number as well. So, we'll see. The only thing that made me really unsure about the date is that we got into the spirituality discussion. She is a bit more "Christian" than I am, but there were no arguments or harsh words or anything. I reassured her that she was ok with me.

[Seeing as how you are a worshipper of Satan, even an agnostic would be a bit more “Christian” than you. Don’t worry, however, it isn’t religious differences keeping you apart. It’s more like a matter that you haven’t bathed since Election Day.]

You'll be fine....she'll probably try to convert you

[I once considered going out with a Jehovah’s Witness chick but somehow being cursed out in the early weekend AM while knocking on strangers' doors’ isn’t exactly my idea of a fun date.]

LOL well....maybe. I was pretty clear, in a pleasant way, about who I am. I think she's too smart to try the conversion thing. Hell, at this point, I'm just worried about the 2nd date LOL We have so much in common. We'd be a great couple, as long as religion, etc. didn't get in the way.

[If you can get over your body odor problem I can see marriage on the horizon.]

Have a great second date!

[May it be as disastrous as the first date!]

thank you so much, she is (at this point) the woman of my dreams: very intelligent, well educated, nice, good morals, in my profession, a Farrah Fawcett look a like....I could ramble on..

[Farrah Fawcett looks pre or post Ryan O’Neal?]

this gives me hope. I haven't had a second date for over 8 years.

[Maybe because you haven’t had a first date for over 12 years.]

Alright, I'm a guy and quite clueless about women myself, but I have to say: if I had a date that went as well as the one you had sounds like it went I don't think I'd be feeling uncertainty at all!

[If I had a dating experience like the one DUmmie steve2470 had, I would definitely consider saying, “Goodbye, cruel world!”]

thanks ! I have this tendency to think women are just being nice to me because they don't want to hurt my feelings... Maybe I need to lose that tendency.

[At the same time you acquire at least minimal social skills. Oh yeah, and don’t forget to try bathing.]

I think that you might have a second date. I am a single mother. You get worried about your kids, even when you are enjoying yourself. Besides, if she didn't enjoy herself she would have pulled the "I have to use the restroom" stunt. Go to the restroom, message your standby girlfriend, go back to the table. In five minutes she calls you, pretends to be the babysitter, and says the kids are sick. She didn't do that. I think that you are safe.

[Instead she used the old “I have a cold sore on my lip” stunt.]

call her! sounds like you have a second date.

[Yeah. She hasn’t replied to DUmmie Steve 2470’s phone message so that MUST be grounds for optimism.]

CALL HER.... And arrange that second date. She wants you to be the Man, and to treat her as though you're interested... then BE interested. Us women who are always in control, running the show, doing it ALL sometimes want a man to be a man, and to take control, to take charge, to set the time, make the arrangements. We like trusting a man enough to do that.

[Break her door down and DEMAND that second date. Show her that even though you are clueless about women that you are taking control! Oh, and you might consider having a Reality Show hidden camera taping all this. It could be the comedy hit of the TV season.]

[PJ-Comix]

I feel almost as socially awkward about a dinner date with Jeff Kleinman of the Graybill and English Literary Agency to pitch the DUmmie Funnies book (with CD-ROM insert) as DUmmie steve2470 feels about his "cold sore" date. And I am still waiting for Jeff Kleinman's phone call. Oh well, he can always e-mail me at: PJ-Comix.

If you laughed like hell reading this edition of the DUmmie FUnnies then you should consider asking to be placed on the PING List.

[Crazieman]

first! ;)

Crazy dummies

[PJ-Comix]

PING!

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

first?

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

Dang! Not even close...

[luvie]

Funny that they seem clueless about women--I thought it was just that they were clueless about all things human!

[Darkwolf377]

"and told me she would kiss me except she had a cold sore on her mouth."

Clueless DUmmie, meet Anvil dropping from the sky to hit you on the head.

I literally couldn't read more beyond that line.

[Petronski]

...told me she would kiss me except she had a cold sore on her mouth.

Ewww. Why did Steve add the detail "on her mouth?" What else would she kiss him with?

[IllumiNaughtyByNature]

I am laughing so hard at this one PJ. This is a tribute to the socially inbred DUmmies over at the DUngeon and will be a classic. Keep up the good work.

[kemathen7]

She's perfect for him ... except for that pesky religion thing.

This guy needs help.

[IllumiNaughtyByNature]

I think there was another Medusa head lurking under her burqua.

[infidel29]

I think I saw the woman in question, note the cold sore on the lip...

[franksolich]

This is the "picture" I have of the DUmmies, when visiting DUmmieland.

One assumes DUmmies do not get out much, being glued to their chairs in a corner of a dark damp basement where their parents (in their 70s, maybe even their 80s) sequester the aged hippies and wannabe hippies, in the futile hope they might move out of the house and live on their own.

This particular DUmmie uses the slanguage of someone in his 50s, wishing to come across as "young" and "hip."

Blah, humbug.

[Roscoe Karns]

"Then she said she would kiss me except she had a cold sore on her mouth."
"Sweeeet!"

[infidel29]

I posted this pic to another thread, but it's sort of addressed to you. More foreign DUmmies protesting.

[pipecorp]

How romantic. She didn't want to share the gift that keeps on giving. This is clearly going somewhere, the toilet most likely.

[Caipirabob]

We have so much in common. We'd be a great couple, as long as religion, etc. didn't get in the way.

Uuungh!

Religion is the life's blood of the relationship, IMHO. I have a hard time imagining faithful Christians or Jews feel any different about that "small" (ah-hem) point. It's the foundation upon which a family is built.

[bigeasy_70118]

this gives me hope. I haven't had a second date for over 8 years.

[Maybe because you haven’t had a first date for over 12 years.]

This caused me to spit Abita Turbodog through my nose. Maybe the greatest line on FR ever.

[CzarNicky]

My god as pathetic as I am I must be a friggen Don Juan compared to these socially maladjusted freak show rejects.

[speed_addiction]

Poor steve2470. Got shotdown in a big way and doesn't even have a clue. Of course the rest of the DUmmies also see this but they worry about steve's self-esteem so they keep giving him hope.

Steve needs to get in touch with me for a few pointers. Well, maybe not. Steve probably would not know cool if it bit him on the ass. Cool can get you laid like nothing else. Cool and a temporary lowering of standards can get you DUmmie Faye.
Email if you want the pics!