I NEED YOUR BAD JOKES!

none ^ | now | me

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

Hey All,

I need all the bad jokes you can think of . . . I am being forced to do 5 minutes or so standup on the radio show I work on. (She says she doesn't want me to do it anymore, but I have a feeling she'll spring it on me again.)I want to bomb badly. It's an Andy Kaufman thing.

Thanks,

BG & R 99

[billhilly]

How can you tell when there is an Elephant in the refrigerator? You see his foot prints in the butter. Ba-da-boom.

[BenLurkin]

Don't forget the Latin American weather forecast:
"Chili today - Hot Tamale"

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

ok. here are some one liners:

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress -- Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap -- Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. . .
24 hours in a day . . . 24 beers in a case . . . coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
What do they pack styrofoam in?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

[RightOnline]

"Why do you Jews always answer a question with a question?"

"Why shouldn't we?"

[Governor William J. LePetomane]

Q - What's black and white and goes "oooooooo"?

A - A cow with no lips.

-----

Q - What's the difference between a Socialist and a Democrat?

A -The Socialist takes the dishes out of the sink before he pees in it.

[capitan_refugio]

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a jacuzzi?

Stu

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in the river?

Flo

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a ditch?

Phil

[Jeff Chandler]

An Italian, a Greek, and a Jew are out on a fishing boat when a storm hits, the boat is capsized, and all three perish. Up at the pearly gates, they beg St.Peter for another chance, claiming that they are all too young to die. St. Peter says "Okay, on one condition: each of you has to give up what you love most in the world." They all agree, and "POOF", all three are walking along the street together, discussing their ordeal and vowing to keep their promises.

They come upon an Italian restaurant, when, all of a sudden, the Italian runs inside, orders a slice of pizza, and takes a huge bite. "POOF", he dissappears. The Jew and the Greek are quite shaken up, and repeat their vows not to slip up like the Italian did.

They continue down the street, when the Jew spots a quarter on the street. He bends over to pick it up, and








and










and










and "POOF", the Greek dissapears.

[Dinsdale]

The correct joke is:

What do you call a leper in a hottub?

Stu.

A man with no arms and no legs in a pool is called bob.

[Diddle E. Squat]

I liked that one!

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

[billhilly]

That is some good stuff that requires some thought, so I'll bookmark it.

On to the bad stuff.

[GOPyouth]

What does Tiger Woods have that Princess Diana didn't?

A good driver. heh heh

[capitan_refugio]

How can you tell when elephants have been making love in your front yard?

Well, there's garbage all over the place and the trash can liners are missing.

(Rim shot! - Thankyouverymuch)

[chance33_98]

Jesus was out walking one day, when he came across a stoning. Jesus looked at the
crowd and then said: "Those amongst you who have no sin shall throw the first stone."
A man at the back of the crowd yelled: "Jesus, you always want to go first!"

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

What do you call a doctor with no arms and no legs nailed to a wall?
Art.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pool?
Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your doorstep?
Matt.

[BluesDuke]

I only wish I could help. But the worst joke I know is one you could never use on radio. Because the worst joke I know is the one I see in the mirror when I shave every morning, and it can't be seen on the radio...

[SouthernFreebird]

Why were Tigger and Piglet staring in the toilet?


.......They were looking for Pooh


A horse walks in a bar, and they bartender says "why the long face"?

[chance33_98]

funny and disgusting jokes See # 15 as a good example :)

[Jeff Chandler]

How can you tell the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.