[Jeff Chandler]

How can you tell the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

[Doctor Stochastic]

Doc: Nurse, my ball pen doesn't work.
Nurse: That's not a ball point pen, that's a rectal thermometer.
Doc: Then some a**hole has my ball point pen!

[ALS]

A penguin is driving cross country and has car trouble so he puts his car in a garage to have it repaired.
While waiting he decides to waddle on over to the supermarket across the street. He quickly finds the ice cream aisle and dives in head first. After gorging himself he realizes he should go check on the car and waddles back over to the garage.
He asks the mechanic what's wrong with his car, and the mechanic replied, "looks like you blew a seal".
The blushing penguin quickly responds, "oh no, it's just ice cream!".

:)