Posted on 02/01/2003 8:02:08 PM PST by rwfromkansas
Okay, I am incredibly frustrated with my social skills and I have decided to run to FR for help; I would be shocked if some good advice is not given.
Anyway, I have always been a quiet person and never had any real close friends; I had a few kids I played with, but that is about it. In my high school years, I never hung out with anyone. Now, in my freshman year in college, things are somewhat better. I have gone on my first date with a girl and also hung out with this interesting guy once. But, still, things are not what I want them to be. The girl I went on the date with still wants to hang out sometimes and also talk, and I am happy with that since she is an interesting person and I am satisfied with just friendship. Unfortunately, a major problem of mine is the inability to talk to others well.
I e-mailed this girl yesterday some ideas about things we could do together since I could not get her on the phone; I then called her today. I tried to talk about my e-mail a bit since she didn't check her e-mail today (I e-mailed her because I found out about something cool we could do together at the last minute and time was not there to wait until I could reach her on the phone). Anyway, I also asked her how she was doing and how her interterm class went. I tried to interject my comments when I could think of something to say. Then, I tried desperately to think of something else to talk about, to no avail. We just had to go ahead and wish eachother a good day.
After that phone call, I just about wanted to throw up my hands and say the heck with even trying to build a friendship with anyone if it is such a difficult thing and I can't talk about anything. Instead, I decided to try to get more help on the subject, but quite frankly, I am pretty much at a frustration level higher than the worst level on the terror alertness scale. I am sick and tired of not having people to enjoy experiences with and I am sick and tired of always struggling for how to talk to people and topics to discuss. It just about makes me cry I am so frustrated.
To further describe my problem, I seem to never be able to branch off into side discussions off of a main topic. For example, I am not adept at asking a person about something that I think of because of something else they said. Of course, things to talk about in general is a huge area of difficulty for me. Pretty much school, work, or church is about it. Current events also sometimes, but none of these topics make for memorable conversation and the building of friendships; once I talk about these things, I am pretty much tapped out. And no, learning things about a lot of subjects doesn't help diddly, unlike some people say. It hasn't helped me one whit.
I would really appreciate everyone's ideas on lasting conversation and also a list of suggested conversation topics.....I could really use some help with more conversation topics that help build friendships beyond just saying "hi" in the hall and perhaps talking at work or lunch a bit. That is all I can ever seem to get to and it is so old. Also, I would love some help in making conversation funny.....interjecting humor into it, as that makes it more enjoyable and less "same old, same old." I don't have a very obvious humor, but one girl that goes to my college (and I know from my trip to Israel in 1999) laughs at things I say all the time and says I am real funny, so I must have a dry sense of humor that not everybody picks up on.
One other thing, I tend to get afraid of talking to people when they are in a group. It makes me feel like I am interfering or something if I go up to talk to a person. Is this an unreasonable fear?
I especially am interested in any young Freepers who can provide some help.
Thanks for any help....I sincerely thank you for any advice. I just don't know what the heck is wrong with me.
Hmmm.....
You want to be able to analyze a discussion within ten seconds or less, correctly interpret both the verbal and the non-verbal conversational cues, think on your feet and discuss the subject matter intelligently and confidently, and learn how to direct the course of the discussion while at the same time engaging your conversational partners in a healthy and satisfactory give-and-take?
Extemporaneous speech is both a Talent and a Skill. Those who possess the Talent (and I don't know that I am one) were born with it. But almost everyone can learn the Skill.
You'll want to consider the following Sterling College courses:
This course emphasizes the development of skills needed to successfully speak in public situations. These skills include audience analysis, listening, research, organization and the performance of original speeches. Students study and present speeches to inform and persuade. They also have an opportunity to experience and analyze group function and oral presentation as a group member. Meets general education requirement with a grade of C- or higher. (B or above for Education Certification.)
Introduction to principles of acting following Stanislavsky system. Detailed character analysis and development. Performance of scenes and one-act plays. Critical observation, analysis and discussion of performances to develop awareness of methods and basic technique. (Spring)
Creative experience wherein readers interpret and present the ideas and feelings expressed in classic and contemporary literature. Attention given to vocal production, diction, and face/body expression. Meets general education requirement with a grade of C- or higher. (B or above for Education Certification.)
Participation in intercollegiate debate, oral interpretation, speaking, and oratory. Candidates for teacher certification must participate in both speaking events and interpretive events. May be repeated for a maximum of four credits one of which must be service related (CT150S). Enrollment by audition or consent of instructor.
A concentrated study of the principles and skills involved in one-on-one and small group communication. Activities and research stress relational skills. Students improve their communication competence and their functioning in small groups. (Spring, even years)
Advanced scene study with emphasis on character building, developing concentration and relaxation through various techniques (such as the Alexander Technique) and a study of acting style in period plays. Prerequisite: CT125 or consent of instructor. (Fall, even years)
Overview of current theory and research in the major subfields of human communication. Significant studies and research advances in the context of interpersonal, group, and organizational communication. Focus on the physical tools and operations that humans use to communicate, the contexts of communication, and the communication research process. (Spring, odd years)
If I had to pick one, I'm guessing that "CT150/CT150S Forensics Laboratory 1 credit" is University-Bureaucrat-speak for "Debate Team" or "Speech Team". If so, that one course carries my highest recommendation. Of course, you'll end up spending at least 10 hours a week (30 or more if you really get into it) on a 1-credit class, but what will you get out of it??
Applied Logic, Conversational Analysis, Extemporaneous Speech, and (instant) Camaraderie with your team-mates... all rolled into one class.
Oh, and that's just what you're looking to take away from the class. If you really go gung-ho on it, you'll get to indulge your competitive appetite for winning Debate and/or Public Speaking rounds and competitions while you're at it. But you'll learn regardless.
Check it, yo.
Well, if you didn't take debate in HS...
...then your first semester in the Novice ranks, you might Win less often then you'd like.
One of the posters above suggested a socially-conservative therapist. I guess that works for some (shrugs). Personally, though, I think the best way to untie your tongue is to learn by doing. Call it "throw you off the pier immersion therapy". Except that you'll be enjoying the support of your coach and team-mates as you learn to swim.
I'm not a young FReeper, by any means. I did, however, at your age experience much the same frustration as you regarding my ability to communicate effectively.
My advice is that you lighten up a bit. NO ONE I know has ever mastered the art of friendship/conversation skills right out of the starting gate. If you are as frustrated as you say, that frustration will bleed through and will make others ill at ease.
I've always been taught that the way to be a good friend or conversationalist, is to engage the other party. Ask them to share their viewpoints, feelings, interests, etc. When you initiate a conversation look the other party in the eyes and actually LISTEN to what they have to say. Some of the best conversations/debates/exchanges I've ever had started with a simple question followed by an open and honest exchange of ideas. Social conversation cannot be scripted. There are no Cliff notes for you to memorize. LISTENING to responses to your overtures rather than thinking ahead to the next question or statement you should make to keep the conversation rolling will do more to stimulate open and honest exchanges than any other skill I can think of. I mean, really, don't you open up to people who seem genuinely interested in your viewpoints? It's human nature to interact with others. We are very social creatures.
One more thing...not everyone you attempt to engage conversation with is going to respond. Don't take it personally - maybe their mind is on something totally unrelated to you. Be open, be friendly or sympathetic, or whatever the situation calls for. Most importantly, be true to yourself. People can spot a phony right away. It's not necessary to agree with another's viewpoint in order to establish a lasting relationship.
I hope this helps. Put yourself out there and take a few rejections on the chin. I think you'll find plenty of folks who will be eager to respond, but who have been too timid to take a chance on making the first move.
Keep in touch, please, and let us know if any of the suggestions posted have been of value. If we are all full of baloney, let us know that, too. **grin**
Go get 'em, Tiger!!! (sorry, LSU alumni) my Dad's from Arkansas, though, do I get points for that?
This is a good point from Eternal Warming! I'm an older woman, and I used to be shy and self concious when I was young. It's basicly a fear of being laughed at. I remember the 'popular' kids saying and doing stupid things, but it didn't seem to bother them!?
All the good advice has already been said on this thread, such as asking questions of people. Make one really good friend with another guy and start doing things together. It will give you confidence, Good luck!!
Look, I know you are frustrated, but everyone has trouble meeting people - some just fake it better than others. Even I, who could talk to just about anyone, sometimes I have a hard time switching gears in a conversation.
Good luck...and don't be so hard on yourself........
I'm a 15(almost 16)-year-old male from Central California... about 60 miles south of Fresno.
When I went to a small rural school during grades 4-8 (by small I mean pop. 225 in the K-8 school), everybody got stuck with a label. Being smart, I was labeled a nerd, and no matter what I did (I didn't always act like myself) I couldn't rid myself of that horrible stereotype.
Well, I changed schools after graduating 8th grade, and at the high school here I have definitely lost nerd status... though I'm still getting higher than a 4.0 on my report cards and my SAT scores are tops in the school (which doesn't say much for the school). Because the thing is, people don't care about that. I'm relaxed, I'm not afraid to try something new, I'm friendly. I still play video games, listen to all kinds of music, go to the movies, hang out with friends, etc. That's what people are looking for, and you can be yourself while still being that person.
A life secluded from civilization isn't a life at all. Just be calm, cool, and forget about the pressure. I know, it is definitely harder than it sounds... but you have to face your fears. Take this girl, for instance... you are just now getting to know her and are naturally nervous. Be yourself, don't be too tense and see what happens. After all, what have you got to lose? A friendship that you didn't have earlier? That would just be returning to par.
Some tips I would give you is to always have a great smile (esp. for the girls!) and always be a gentleman. Too many kids nowadays don't do the simple things like holding the door open for someone else (esp. girls!), saying "please", "thank you", "God bless you", etc., using good table manners, and just being naturally nice. Oh, and, not that you are, but don't be too cocky. I flirt with that problem occassionally and it makes me look like a jerk; forgive me.
I'm glad to hear of your success at Pizza Hut... keep us updated and good luck!
Regards,
panther33
P.S. You sound like a cool guy. Drop me a line via FReepmail sometime if you just wanna talk.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.