JOKE THREAD

an email ^ | 8/26/02 | unknown

[Sungirl]

I never see a running joke thread in here....so I thought I'd start one since I received this great joke. Hope you will add on.....

[Sungirl]

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly named Bob decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a pictureof my daddy."

He bought the mirror, thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but On the way home he remembered that his wife didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband Bob left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly women he's runnin' around with.

[albee]

Top 10 Reasons Why It Is Great To Be A Dog!

1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.

2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.

3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.

4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.

5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.

6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.

7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.

10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

[fineright]

A Tale of Two Nuns

There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister
Mathematical
(SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark
and
they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us
for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he
wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15
minutes at the most?
What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk
faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach
us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go
that way and I'll

go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister
Mathematical
arrives at the convent and is worried what has
happened to Sister
Logical. Then

Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me
what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't
follow us both so
he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could

and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress
up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his
pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up
can run faster
than man with his pants down.

[TomServo]

The latest ploy to drive the Taliban and Al Qaeda out of the
mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Alabama Special Forces.

Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, and Cooter are being sent in with the following information about the Taliban:

1. There is no limit.
2. The season opened last weekend.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music, or Jesus.
5. Some are homos.
6. They don't like barbeque.
7. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.

Should be over in about a week.

[TheGrimReaper]

PRESIDENT BUSH VISITS THE QUEEN:

At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well.

But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous.

She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

[B4Ranch]

If that one gets out I wouldn't go close to Kentucky! Them gals will hang you high.

[week 71]

Bump for later read. These threads crack me up.

[petuniasevan]

Scene: Pullman car on a passenger train.

In the car are four persons:
A pretty young lady,
An older matron,
Bill Clinton,
and George W. Bush.

The train they are riding in enters a tunnel. Suddenly there is a wet kissing noise, a loud SLAP, then the train exits the tunnel. There sits Billy Boy with his hand to a reddened cheek.

The matron thought, "HA! Slick got what was coming!"
The young lady thought, "He must been trying to kiss me and got her instead!"
X42 thought, "Ah just know George kissed her and she slapped me! Unfair!"
Dubya leaned back and thought, "What a great day. I got to kiss the back of my hand and slap Bill Clinton.
"Hope we go through another tunnel."

[Victoria Delsoul]

:-)

[Sir Gawain]

Post #69. ;-)

[Victoria Delsoul]

[Sir Gawain]

haha

[Psycho_Runner]

The Coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland
Raiders. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghanistani soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 3rd-story window 200 yards away,
ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away, ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph, bulls-eye! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football, and the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl for another time in history.

The young Afghani is hailed as the Great Hero of football, and when Coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son."
"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight." The old lady pauses, and
then tearfully says, "..I'll never forgive you for making us move to Oakland."

[MeekOneGOP]

"But you're a lawyer, so......

[altair]

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

Here it is.

[MeekOneGOP]

What if this thread became a running joke?

Paging Maxwell Fixx, paging Maxwell Fixx. Please pick up the red phone........

[dread78645]

z-Bookmark

[hobbes1]

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

ROTFLMAOPIMP...

[cuz_it_aint_their_money]

Jesus and His entourage are walking down the streets of Bethlehem one day when they come across a crowd of people stoning a “lady of dubious reputation.”
Jesus gets very upset, strides among them, breaking up the crowd and offering protection to the hooker, and says: “I’m surprised at all of you! Amazed! You have learned NOTHING of my teachings. Remember, let he among you, who is without sin cast the next stone.”
Well that just shuts the crowd up. Everyone looks down at their feet, feeling pretty low. Just about then, a wrinkled old lady pushes her way through the crowd. She hobbles over to Jesus, leaning heavily on her cane. As she reaches Jesus, she stops in front of Him, looks up into His eyes, looks over at the hooker, looks back at Jesus, hands her cane to Jesus, bends down and picks up the largest rock she can find, raises the rock high above her gray little head, and then bashes in the head of the hooker.
The crowd is in shock.
Jesus hands the little old lady her cane back and says: “You know Ma, sometimes you just piss me off!”

[cuz_it_aint_their_money]

I told this joke to my aunt (who just happens to be a Nun herself) and I thought she was going to wet herself laughing so hard.

A Nun boards a city bus one afternoon on her daily trek to the soup kitchen.
She sits calmly in her seat as the bus lurches from one stop to the next.
A one stop, two hippies board the bus, sit directly behind the Nun and decide that they are going to have a little fun with the Sister.
One hippy turns to the other and says out-loud: “Man, there are just too many Catholics in this town. We need to move, man, to Denver. I hear there are only about 20 percent Catholics there.”
“Nah, man” pipe up the other hippy, “We need to go to Salt Lake City, man. I hear there’s only about 10 percent Catholics there.”
The Nun very quietly and calmly turns around and says, “Why don’t you both go to Hell, there aren’t any Catholics there.”