JOKE THREAD

I never see a running joke thread in here....so I thought I'd start one since I received this great joke. Hope you will add on.....

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."

A well-known cardiologist died, and an elaborate funeral
was planned. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind
the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket
rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in
the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the
mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said,
"I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral....
I'm a gynecologist."

A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey
where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work.

His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: "Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."

Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the BLACK man coming over the top the hill, stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill and lands at his feet!

"Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home.

Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.

"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas or burritos ?" she inquires.

"No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message!
As I ran home, I kept hearing Him yell . . . . .

"THAT'S NACHO CHEESE! " " THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!'

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

An oldie, but a goodie . . .
___________________________________________

From: Bin Laden, Osama [mailto:osama@taliban.com]
Sent: Monday, November 19, 2001 8:17 AM
To: Cavemates
Subject: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.

Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.

Love you lots.

Osama

A young lady complains to her doctor about not being able to get any dates. After talking to her for some time and discovering other issues she has, he decides she should go see Dr. Som Ting Wong, one of his Chinese friends who is a specialist.

She makes an appointment, and goes to see Dr. Wong. He listens to her, and says “First ting we do is this. You take crose off and craw on froor. She does. He says “ No, Must craw rerry, rerry fas!”

She does, and he says “Now craw towar me, then craw away from me, craw rerry, rerry fas!”

Being desperate to find out why she can’t get any dates, she complies. He cries out “You have Ed Zakery disease. Worst case of Ed Zackery I ever see! That why you no get dates!”

Alarmed and confused, she says “Doctor, what is Ed Zackery disease? I’ve never heard of it!”

Drum Roll here…

He says “It when your face rook Ed Zackery rike you’re a$$!”

Clinton - Intern Jokes

After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up with a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called: SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven that you CAN get sex from Aides.

Jennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything like Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."

The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress "Presidue."

Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges: Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Bringham Young.

Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom. It represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.

Washington has come up with a solution for the Clinton situation - they added an 11th commandment: "Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff."

Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward, and not one is his sister!

Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortune teller who intoned, "Prepare to become widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!"

Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

Democrat Tax Refunds

If you don't understand the Democrats' version of tax cuts (and you are not alone), this will help explain it for you:

50,000 people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out. A refund was then due.

The team was about to mail refunds when the Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out refund amounts based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of fairness.

After all, if the refunds were made based on the price each person paid for the tickets, most of the money would go to the ticket holders of the most expensive tickets. That would be unconscionable.

People in the $10 seats will get back $15, because they have less money to spend. Call it an "Earned" Income Ticket Credit". Persons "earn" it by demonstrating little ambition, few skills and poor work habits, thus keeping
them at entry-level wages.

People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because that's only fair.

People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. If they can afford a $50 ticket, then they must not be paying enough taxes.

People in the $75 luxury seats will have to pay another $50, because they have way too much to spend.

The people driving by the stadium who couldn't afford to watch the game will get $10 each, even though they didn't pay anything in, because they need the most help.

Now do you understand? If not, contact Representative Richard Gephardt or Senator Tom Daschle for assistance.

,,, here's an old favourite from New Zealand...

Cinderella, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were all sitting around the nursery rhyme bar one after noon bragging about themselves.

Cinderella says, "I must be the most beautiful person in the world".
Tom Thumb says, "I must be the smallest person in the world".
Quasimodo says, "I must be the ugliest person in the world".

Hearing all this bragging the barman leans over the counter and suggests they head down to the Guinness Book of Records and verify themselves.

So off they go down the street and apply for their worldly status.

Cinderella comes out of the office and says, "It's now official. I am the most beautiful person in the world".

Tom Thumb comes out of the office and says, "It's now official. I am the smallest person in the world".

Quasimodo comes out of the office with a puzzled look on his face and says happily, "Who the hell is Helen Clark?"

[substitute Janet Reno for Helen Clark in local use]

An exquisite painting entitled 'Home for Lunch' was on display in a Pennsylvania art gallery. It depicted three very naked, very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.

Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out. The artist noticed their confusion. The artist asked, "Can I help you with this painting?

One woman replied, "We were curious about the painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?" "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting" the artist explained. "The three men are not African - Americans . . .They are Pennsylvania coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went Home for Lunch."

A bartender on a slow day looks up and sees President Bush and Collin Powell arriving and taking seats at the end of the bar.

He is surprised to see them and asks them what they are doing in a bar.

Powell answers, "We need time to discuss what the next actions will be in Iraq."

The bartender asks, "What are some of your ideas for Iraq?"

Bush answers, "Well we have one idea, but it won't be pretty. We will strategically drop a nuke in Iraq, but it will kill a half a million Iraqis, and one blonde with big boobs."

The bartender screams out, "Oh My God! A blonde with big boobs?! Why??"

Powell looks at Bush and says "See? I told ya no one would care about the half million Iraqis."

At a rural church one Sunday in the middle of services, Satan appears. Right up in front of the altar in a puff of sickly green, foul smelling smoke and steam.

All the altar boys, the priest and the entire congregation head for the exits, screaming. Except for one.

An 80 year old man is sitting in the front row. He is sitting with his arms folded, staring straight at Satan.

Satan approaches him and says to him, "Don't you know who I am?"
The old man replies, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asks, "Don't you realize that I could destroy you with a word?"
The old man replies, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Aren't you terrified of me?"
The old man replies, "Nope, sure ain't."
Exasperated, Satan finally asks in a booming voice that shakes the rafters, "And why not?!"

The old man replies, "'Cause I been married to yer sister fer 58 years."

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