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Humor break
Fortune ??? | July 21 | various

Posted on 08/16/2002 12:50:54 AM PDT by farmfriend

These are taken from real Résumés and Cover Letters, and were printed in the July 21st issue of "Fortune" Magazine:

1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain-store."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
19. "The Company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."
21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

These quotes were taken from actual Performance Evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better."

These lines are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals:

1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
4. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
6. Bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
8. He's so dense light bends around him.


TOPICS: Cheese, Moose, Sister; Humor
KEYWORDS: cheese; humorbreak; jokes
Know any freepers that fit this mold.
1 posted on 08/16/2002 12:50:55 AM PDT by farmfriend
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To: JohnHuang2
Your ping list is bigger than mine.
2 posted on 08/16/2002 12:52:07 AM PDT by farmfriend
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To: comwatch; Saundra Duffy; christie; hedgetrimmer; SierraWasp; B4Ranch; sasquatch; DNA Rules; ...
ping???
3 posted on 08/16/2002 12:58:45 AM PDT by farmfriend
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To: ssplam
ping.
4 posted on 08/16/2002 1:01:22 AM PDT by farmfriend
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To: kattracks
ping
5 posted on 08/16/2002 1:09:56 AM PDT by farmfriend
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To: farmfriend
As long as UN/NEA controls what is taught in public schools these drastic 'humor' lines will continue to gain laughs.
6 posted on 08/16/2002 7:33:14 AM PDT by B4Ranch
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To: farmfriend
bttt
7 posted on 08/16/2002 9:45:17 AM PDT by farmfriend
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To: farmfriend
I see nobody likes jokes.
8 posted on 08/16/2002 12:04:45 PM PDT by farmfriend
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To: farmfriend
Hi FarmPal,

I like jokes, I think this one has been around for quite awhile is why no response. For some reason my favorite is:

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

Cheers from Peru


9 posted on 08/16/2002 2:00:21 PM PDT by Cuttnhorse
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