Posted on 10/19/2026 4:58:00 AM PDT by Cronos
I recently attended a meeting of the Democratic Socialists of America, where I officially enrolled as a member. Though I was new to the party, I put forth a number of proposals, many of which were met with considerable enthusiasm and, I’m happy to report, have now been incorporated into their manifesto. I present them herein.
Let’s never forget we’re all in this together. Therefore, we have determined that all doors to private homes must remain unlocked at all times. Strangers may enter as they please to open your fridge, use your bathroom, floss, or just relax and watch a ball game. This open-door policy is the perfect way to get to know our fellow Americans.
Our open-door policy will also be extended to our borders, where anyone will be able to enter our country if they choose to do so and will be welcomed by a marching band, performing a medley of John Philip Sousa Americana classics. Now that’s how you make a person feel at home!
We contend that the only way anyone can be rehabilitated is through the simple act of love. When the D.S.A. takes over, it will be our policy to close the jails and release all prisoners. Once released, the former prisoners will continue to walk around in their orange jumpsuits, the easier to spot them. People will be encouraged to give them a pat on the back, offer some words of encouragement, and maybe even get them to open up about their crimes. Imagine how upsetting it must be to know you’ve taken a life! To err is human, to forgive, divine. With empathy and compassion, it’s easy to see a day when these former convicts will be contributing to society in a very meaningful way. Larry David in his recent HBO mini-series, Life, Larry, and the Pursuit of Unhappiness.
In our Socialist America, everyone will be so fulfilled spiritually and financially that the police department will be dramatically reduced to where an officer’s only job will be to adjudicate domestic disputes. Toward that end, stands will be set up at local farmers markets, where they will work to resolve marital issues in a folksy, farm-to-table manner. Fresh berries will be provided.
There are individuals who feel a deep, psychological or spiritual identity as non-human animals and often wear costumes called “fur suits.” These individuals will have license to relieve themselves wherever they choose to do so, without shame or harassment. Poop-bag dispensers will be placed throughout every city and in all public establishments, along with scratching posts.
“Stands will be set up at local farmers markets, where police officers will work to resolve marital issues in a folksy, farm-to-table manner. Fresh berries will be provided.”
The loss of a dog can be devastating and, in some cases, worse than even when a human passes. Recognizing that, we at the D.S.A. will institute a three-week bereavement period during which pet mourners will continue to receive full work compensation. This benefit will also apply to the loss of a cat, turtle, parakeet, or goldfish. For certain farm animals, such as chickens, donkeys, goats, and pigs, the bereavement period will be reduced to two weeks. Conversely, if you are the proud owner of a new pet, you’ll be granted a two-week paternity leave to bond with, house-train, and teach it commands. You’d be surprised what a goldfish can do if you get them early.
In an effort to make amends for centuries of slavery, reparations will be instituted, along with a lottery system in which white people will be selected to serve as slaves to Black families for one year. Lashings are encouraged for excessive whining, and government-issued whips will be distributed at no cost.
We’re not above using great ideas that have been implemented successfully in other countries. One of them that we’re very excited about is the siesta for the workingman. There will be two siestas every business day, the first from 10 a.m. to 11 a.m., and another one in the afternoon, from 3 p.m. to 4 p.m. Employers will be required to provide cots.
David in the “Palestinian Chicken” episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.
The D.S.A. has great respect for religious traditions. Because of our burgeoning Muslim population, we want to take all measures to give these people a strong sense of belonging in America. Along those lines, we’ll require that all Caucasian women wear a hijab on weekends in solidarity with their Muslim sisters. In addition, Jews will no longer be allowed to refer to themselves as “the Chosen People.” Henceforth, their new nickname will be “the Bagel People.”
We strongly believe in a two-state solution. To this end, we propose that Palestinians should be given all the land currently occupied by Israel and that Israel should be given Pitcairn Island in the South Pacific, where the weather is beautiful and grapefruits are aplenty. We think the Bagel People will be very happy there.
Firing is prohibited in Socialist America. The only way anyone will be able to replace a worker is to trade them to another company, like they do in professional sports. The worker will also have a “no trade” clause in their contract so it can be voided if they choose to do so.
We Democratic Socialists love to laugh … but not at the expense of others. The last thing we want is for any person to be offended by a joke that targets them or someone they know. No one should ever have their feelings hurt. Consequently, any comedian who is responsible for causing emotional discomfort in any way will be sent to a facility where they will be re-programmed and hopefully emerge with a greater awareness of the sensitivities of their fellow citizens. If, however, the re-programming is unsuccessful, the repeat offender will be sent to Pitcairn Island to live with the Bagel People.
Well, there you have it. We’re very excited about the opportunities and challenges that lie ahead. Our ideals can be summed up by a great philosopher who once said, “From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.” We hope you’ll consider joining.
Larry David is a co-creator of Seinfeld and the creator of Curb Your Enthusiasm
Yes, Larry David really wrote that essay. It is a satirical column published on October 17, 2026, in the digital magazine Air Mail.
Titled “The View from Here: A comedian’s modest proposals for the Democratic Socialists of America,” the Seinfeld co-creator and Curb Your Enthusiasm star targets the far-left political platform of the Democratic Socialists of America (DSA).
Written in a deadpan, Jonathan Swift-style format, David jokingly claims that he officially joined the DSA after they accepted 12 of his “modest proposals” into their manifesto. The satirical piece features several absurd policy recommendations, including:
• The Open-Door Policy: Requiring all private home doors to remain completely unlocked so that random strangers can walk in, open your fridge, use your bathroom, or watch a ball game.
• Workplace Trades: Banning employers from firing workers, instead requiring them to trade employees to other companies like professional sports teams.
• Foreign Policy & Satire: A highly controversial segment poking fun at the DSA’s anti-Israel platform, proposing that Israel’s entire population be relocated to Pitcairn Island in the South Pacific, while renaming Jewish people “The Bagel People”.
• Comedian Reprogramming: Suggesting that any performer who causes “emotional discomfort” with a joke be sent to a facility to be re-programmed to have greater sensitivity.
d widespread discussion online and in national media, drawing criticism from members of the movement while being widely shared as a provocative piece of political satire.
it’s obvious satire ... and to me, indicates larry might not be a full-on hard-leftist anymore ...
Parody
I believe more than half of these are things they actually want done.
Pitcairn Island is named for Robert Pitcairn, the first person to sight the island. Robert's father, Major John Pitcairn, led the British Regulars into Lexington on the morning of April 19, 1775, and was mortally wounded in the battle of Bunker Hill. Robert Pitcairn had been lost at sea in 1770.
He don’t care.
We live in strange times.
It’s not often Liz and I are pinged together.
Curb Your Enthusiasm was brutal on everything in the Left Wing Pantheon.
The season where the Ayatollah declared a Fatwa against him was hilarious.
9.
The D.S.A. has great respect for religious traditions. Because of our burgeoning Muslim population, we want to take all measures to give these people a strong sense of belonging in America. Along those lines, we’ll require that all Caucasian women wear a hijab on weekends in solidarity with their Muslim sisters. In addition, Jews will no longer be allowed to refer to themselves as “the Chosen People.” Henceforth, their new nickname will be “the Bagel People.”
10.
We strongly believe in a two-state solution. To this end, we propose that Palestinians should be given all the land currently occupied by Israel and that Israel should be given Pitcairn Island in the South Pacific, where the weather is beautiful and grapefruits are aplenty. We think the Bagel People will be very happy there.
11.
Firing is prohibited in Socialist America. The only way anyone will be able to replace a worker is to trade them to another company, like they do in professional sports. The worker will also have a “no trade” clause in their contract so it can be voided if they choose to do so.
Larry Davis is saying we’ve seen this movie before and the fruit of this tree is poison. It’s worth the time to read it...(and yes, I know he’s a liberal - this piece is a warning)
He’s the right guy to deliver this message, too. Terrific. The column is a gift to sane people of America who have had enough.
You’re right. It’s also a shot across the bow to left-wing Jewish Americans singling things could get a lot worse... Good for Larry David.
You’re right. It’s also a shot across the bow to left-wing Jewish Americans singling things could get a lot worse... Good for Larry David.
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