Posted on 08/05/2026 10:01:36 AM PDT by Twotone
All churches that truly love Jesus serve coffee, but did you know that you can actually tell what denomination a church is by what coffee it serves?
Here are 17 different forms of caffeinated goodness and what church you'll find them in:
Dunkin' — Southern Baptist: Obviously.
Medium roast — Non-denominational: Smooth and palatable.
Grande Caramel Macchiato in a venti cup, upside down, with split milks, extra shots, and no top drizzle — some friggin' Acts 29 church: You know who they are.
Boba tea — the Korean church that meets after your church: So many Hondas in the parking lot.
Yuban, brewed last week — Catholic: Your penance begins now.
Same, but really watered down — Anglican: Mmm, delicious.
Tim Hortons — Oh no, you're not at a Church... you're in Canada!: Abort, abort!
Decaf — Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church: HERESY ALERT.
Black coffee with no stirring sticks — Church of Christ: No sticks, no temptation to start drumming.
Frozen coffee, extra ice — Presbyterian: They will not move and neither shall the coffee.
Craft IPA — Reformed: With an alcohol content of 9%, you know it's Reformed.
Whatever coffee was already in the pot — Calvinist: It's not up to you, bub.
Quintuple espresso — Assemblies of God: The shakes are about to start.
Anything with oat milk — Gay Church: Could be Methodist, Lutheran, Episcopalian. You never know these days.
The leftover dregs of coffee from five years ago — Lutheran: It's what you deserve, you depraved wretch!
Still waiting on a decision from the Coffee Committee — Methodist: They're just running it by a couple more committees.
Starbucks — You are in Hell: Not good.
My church doesn’t even serve coffee when we have a dinner! We’re in the south; it’s sweet tea, with a jug of unsweet tea for us southern transplants and diabetics; and a cooler full of Pepsi, Mountain Dew, and Dr. Pepper.
We only drink Folgers Black Silk at home. We love it! But then, we couldn’t afford the high dollar stuff anyway.
Yeah, we don’t have a coffee break at our church. We’re there for church, not a club. We do stand around and visit after the service.
The Unitarian Universalists (UUs)?
No coffee. They don’t believe in coffee.
My husband always brings his thermal cup with water in it to church. He’s on medication that gives him an extremely dry mouth, and he just can’t tolerate it. Nobody minds. We attend a very conservative denomination, but nobody there is judgemental.
LOL
Tilapia is nasty! I grew up in Northern Illinois; Every locally owned restaurant has a Friday fish fry and it’s always cod. Remember when you could buy frozen fish in those little cardboard one pound boxes? The frozen stuff they sell now is “flash frozen”, full of water, and bears no resemblance to the frozen fish you used to get. Of course, fresh is best, but the grocery stores around here don’t usually have any.
The farm raised ones can also be transsexual:
https://thefishsite.com/articles/gender-reversal-in-tilapia-fish-to-increase-production
We have a sign that says no food or drinks in the sanctuary, but everyone seems to think it doesn’t apply to them.
We used to have coffee and fellowship after the service.
But during the Great Silliness of 2020 when we had three services and had to wipe down the sanctuary after each one, we started having "Coffee Hour" in the fellowship hall between the services. First for the staff and a few of the older members who were lonely and just wanted to talk to someone. And more and more people joined. Because they were lonely for people as well.
We still have split services on Sunday morning because we can not fit every one in the sanctuary at once any more and so we kept coffee hour between the services.
.
My son’s conservative Presbyterian church has the pods. Swanky.
At our conservative presbyterian we have strong drip coffee.
we aren’t drinking the coffee during the service. It’s ready before Sunday School, so some then. And then afterwards.
we’re dark roast, ground fresh right beforehand, and made strong. OPC of course.
Gotta at least have cheerios for the toddlers. . .
F’in freaks!
Our Baptist church has a Keurig carousel with a variety of K Cups including coffees, teas, and hot chocolate. It’s the fifth Freedom in Baptist doctrine.
Bible Freedom
Soul Freedom
Church Freedom
Religious Freedom
Caffeine Freedom
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