Posted on 08/05/2026 10:01:36 AM PDT by Twotone
All churches that truly love Jesus serve coffee, but did you know that you can actually tell what denomination a church is by what coffee it serves?
Here are 17 different forms of caffeinated goodness and what church you'll find them in:
Dunkin' — Southern Baptist: Obviously.
Medium roast — Non-denominational: Smooth and palatable.
Grande Caramel Macchiato in a venti cup, upside down, with split milks, extra shots, and no top drizzle — some friggin' Acts 29 church: You know who they are.
Boba tea — the Korean church that meets after your church: So many Hondas in the parking lot.
Yuban, brewed last week — Catholic: Your penance begins now.
Same, but really watered down — Anglican: Mmm, delicious.
Tim Hortons — Oh no, you're not at a Church... you're in Canada!: Abort, abort!
Decaf — Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church: HERESY ALERT.
Black coffee with no stirring sticks — Church of Christ: No sticks, no temptation to start drumming.
Frozen coffee, extra ice — Presbyterian: They will not move and neither shall the coffee.
Craft IPA — Reformed: With an alcohol content of 9%, you know it's Reformed.
Whatever coffee was already in the pot — Calvinist: It's not up to you, bub.
Quintuple espresso — Assemblies of God: The shakes are about to start.
Anything with oat milk — Gay Church: Could be Methodist, Lutheran, Episcopalian. You never know these days.
The leftover dregs of coffee from five years ago — Lutheran: It's what you deserve, you depraved wretch!
Still waiting on a decision from the Coffee Committee — Methodist: They're just running it by a couple more committees.
Starbucks — You are in Hell: Not good.
“Your caffein addiction is not our problem” was the church lady’s reply.”
I don’t think that gal had read “How To Win Friends and Influence People.”
“ Who has got the Nespresso pods that cost $1 each?”
That totally sounds like Methodists.
But they do bring chicken and green beans
Never thought about it but being forced to go to church and the acrid stink of old coffee is probably why I never liked coffee.
The PTL club - Jim Bakker
Oh, I do! A gift from my son.
Online evangelical, Calvary Chapel
“We’re medium roast and PCA.”
Ditto
I am a member of a PCA church in Midlothian, VA. We serve Blanchards. GOOD coffee!
I see “donuts”. Do churches on Sunday really have donuts?
We only have coffee for special events, not on Sundays. Some losers brought coffee to their pews at morning service and got the old stink eye.
Kias, Hyundais, and fancy Hyundais.
The fancy Hyundais are called Genesis.
Nah. You had it right the first time.
Taster’s Choice: Northern Baptist. There is no reason to spend good money on a decadent luxury like coffee.
Not far from me...pretty close actually:)!
Kona coffee has gotten too expensive for us, and we live within a few miles of the growers.
Been getting more affordable Kauai coffee beans from the local Costco and it is darn near as good. Really spoils you for anything else.
I always though “Ite, missa est,” meant leave the building, not go find coffee and donuts.
Basically, yep.
I defer to your local knowledge. I don’t get either. But when I was there years ago, and could get good stuff reasonable at the Maui Wal-Mart, I darn sure did!
Tilapia are fed on the poop of salmon. I hope they try a healthier alternative, like haddock.
“”Tilapia are fed on the poop of salmon. I hope they try a healthier alternative, like haddock.””
***
Try Tilapia from China and that’s not salmon!
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