Posted on 08/05/2026 10:01:36 AM PDT by Twotone
All churches that truly love Jesus serve coffee, but did you know that you can actually tell what denomination a church is by what coffee it serves?
Here are 17 different forms of caffeinated goodness and what church you'll find them in:
Dunkin' — Southern Baptist: Obviously.
Medium roast — Non-denominational: Smooth and palatable.
Grande Caramel Macchiato in a venti cup, upside down, with split milks, extra shots, and no top drizzle — some friggin' Acts 29 church: You know who they are.
Boba tea — the Korean church that meets after your church: So many Hondas in the parking lot.
Yuban, brewed last week — Catholic: Your penance begins now.
Same, but really watered down — Anglican: Mmm, delicious.
Tim Hortons — Oh no, you're not at a Church... you're in Canada!: Abort, abort!
Decaf — Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church: HERESY ALERT.
Black coffee with no stirring sticks — Church of Christ: No sticks, no temptation to start drumming.
Frozen coffee, extra ice — Presbyterian: They will not move and neither shall the coffee.
Craft IPA — Reformed: With an alcohol content of 9%, you know it's Reformed.
Whatever coffee was already in the pot — Calvinist: It's not up to you, bub.
Quintuple espresso — Assemblies of God: The shakes are about to start.
Anything with oat milk — Gay Church: Could be Methodist, Lutheran, Episcopalian. You never know these days.
The leftover dregs of coffee from five years ago — Lutheran: It's what you deserve, you depraved wretch!
Still waiting on a decision from the Coffee Committee — Methodist: They're just running it by a couple more committees.
Starbucks — You are in Hell: Not good.
The best stuff for cleaning coffee oils and such from coffee equipment is Cafiza powder. Made for cleaning espresso machines. Works great.
“Black coffee with no stirring sticks — Church of Christ: No sticks, no temptation to start drumming.”
That is the best one.
>>Koreans have changed a bit since I was in Korea 35 years ago. They didn’t much care for the Japanese back then.
They’re driving Kias, Hyundais, and Genesises (Geneses? Genesis’s?).
I never heard of Yuban until now. Perhaps I was drinking it all along.
Similarly The Knights will only feature catfish or tilapia at their fish frys. I haven’t gotten them to branch out to Walleye or skake or something else yet.
The house we bought some years ago came with a small closet with a sink - a wet bar. The realtor called it a Baptist Closet - you close the doors when the minister comes to visit.
Outdoor Methodists who go huntin and fishin on Sunday mornings drink Cowboy Coffee.
There are 2 kinds of Presbyterians...just sayin’
Latter-Day Saints - Starbucks, but served in a paper bag.
"Your caffein addiction is not our problem" was the church lady's reply.
I’m amazed at the number of people who can’t make it through a service, an hour and a half or 2 hrs, without having a support beverage. And the number of times I’ve seen said beverage being dumped on the floor. It is called a sanctuary for a reason. It’s not called a coffee break.
Fake News...no instant coffee listed.
Just not in church. Our high school band had a lot of CofC members in it.
Is Chick Full o’ Nuts an WNBA team?
Try and AA meeting. Trading one addiction for another.
Booze to caffeine.
I don’t know as they still do, but they used to freshly grind beans for each urn of coffee brewed.
Ooops! That’s “Chock Full o’ Nuts”
😁
I'll continue "California Girl's Sports Teams" for a hundred, Alex.
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